"i'm going on"

because i'm tired of waiting. for as long as i could remember, this is all i have done. its all im doing.
waiting to go back to work. waiting for a check to come. waiting to finish school. waiting to get evicted. waiting for her return. [sidebar: the song which shares the same name as this entry just came on...omen?]

"i'm going on/ and i'm prepared to go it alone."

i am. i have to. this static way of life has grown old. irritating even. i'm tired. i want to quit.
death beckons, but i ignore her. i continue to live with little reason. i have to move. i have to move on.

hopefully, things will work out. hopefully, everything will be fine.
but i was never one to hope. i don't believe in much anymore. only a fool would allow himself to get his hopes high.

i am no fool.

"i'm going on/ and i promise i'll be waiting for you."

!!

i LOVE this video.
Kanye has truly captured my fanship with this last album and its videos. [[do not adjust your screen]]

new thought.

cliche as it may be:
as i leave this era of total darkness. one might say that i've come "to the end of the tunnel."
you know, where the light is.
but if the light is a train, my ultimate demise.
or if the light is only a figment of my imagination.
how much longer can i travel? how much further can i walk?
how much more can my already defeated soul take before i completely give up and write books from under the overpass?

hope. i have some.
optimistic. i am not
i can only hope.

ah yes.

it feels great to, once again, spill my soul onto this neglected site.
oh how i have missed thee.
much has occurred. much has remained the same.

but all in all things are...well...things are. they simply are. i am not yet happy (since i have, finally, begun my search for such an intangible possession) but i'm not as miserable as i once was. complacent. i believe thats the word.

things in the family have gotten worse: my stepfather and i do not speak, even if in the same room or at the same table. childish as it may seem, it is the way of two stubborn men both of which cannot seem to respect the other. my mother and i are up and down. my sister and myself get along quite nicely most of the time. life here is hardly bearable but i must endure. in june, they are planning to kick me out (regardless of the fact that im in school AND working). hopefully i can get into a summer school program on a campus. West GA? smh. (whats funny is that i KNOW they're gonna want to call me and talk to me for my birthday in july, the very next month. they will get the same response tarrance, sr gets: none. but being in West ga will allow me to be THAT much closer to Shanika...

speaking of...she gave me the absolute best valentine's gift i could have asked for: her. being that she schools in mississippi and is there more than she is home it was quite the pleasant surprise to wake up from a slightly irritated sleep to see her unexpected face. she tricked me into believing that she was still in Mississippi when she was really on her way home. made cupcakes and everything. we spent the weekend together. walmart.mall.out to eat. after so many arguments and being on the verge of breaking up it was exactly what we needed to put us back where we want/need to be. previously, i hated all holidays. now, thanks to her, i can no longer say such a thing.

today, i heard Dr.Cornell West give a lecture. he is quite the eccentric man. his views are very well noteworthy, though i took none. [typical]. but more so than his wondrous words of wisdom, he gave me something that i needed. something i did not expect. something, im sure, he didn't mean to give. something that i don't understand. he gave me confidence. i, finally, have a plan. a goal. something worth working towards and in some odd and unknown way Cornell West made me believe that it truly is worth perusing. [i really wish i could remember some if his words, i'm sure they'll come to me later] it was truly a great experience. i was honored enough to shake his hand and exchange dialogue. thus, i believe i will thank him once my book gets published.

speaking of that book...i trashed it. yea...i know. i have a lot of friends begging and rushing me to produce one. seriously, not in a "ha ha, yea this is good," kind of way. in a "no, seriously, write a fucking book," kind of way. so my previous work which only made it to chapter five has been deleted. fret not, i have a new idea and have begun putting it together. i will begin writing by march. and i think an autobiography might be nice. from my graduation, to my year at howard, until now with the underlying fact that i have been nothing more than a failure the majority of those times being the pushing force. it should evoke plenty of emotion, if done correctly.

well...until next time my loyal readers. let us hope next time will not take two months.

my blog screams...

"update me you lazy, depressed bastard!!!"

thus, here is my update on life

holidays: are stupid. you go and plan all this stuff, get all excited just to be completely let down. christmas with this family sucked. i spoke none, hardly ate and received things i would have rather gotten myself. it seems my parents are looking for things to hold over my head. i gave only a 25$ gift card to the movies...i was being nice. christmas with the gf was different. i gave her an iPod, arm carrying case and a webcam. yea...i know. it was nice to be appreciated for once. she cried, like always. so im assuming she liked it.
new years. she and i went to watch the peach drop. argued half the way there. tried to salvage the night while actually watching the peach fall. but we argued the entire way home. it was a complete disaster. once at her house, again, we tried to salvage the night. we talked our problems through and left on a good note.

i left feeling uneasy.

work: sucks. i work. dont get paid. work. get paid. work. work. work. i hate my job. and will be quitting very soon.

family: i could do without them.

music: im stuck on Coldplay's latest album "Viva La Vida". something about the song "Lost!" captures my every emotion.

the more i live the more trapped i feel. it seems as though there is no up. only further into this pit can i go. i hate it. i hate life. i hate living.

my blog screams this too...

$78

gone.

the Nike Blazers that were ruined the other night....are semi-clean thanks to 2 washes in the washing machine and alot of soap scrubbed on with a toothbrush...

i put them on today...
and they shrunk

no longer do they fit


fuck

((but it was still worth it so im not too upset))

broke&bougie

YO!what a fucking great night.
this is why i love my city. this is why i love music. this is why i love the night life. this is what makes me happy.
i met up with Killa in little five points at this lounge/club/bar spot. the vibe was nice. i was fresh. swagg was right. hoes were jockin. everything was set for a perfect night.

and a perfect night was given. FINALLY! i been waiting for a nice club scene forEVER. i had been neglecting this spot for a while. everytime i had been asked to go i was "busy" or "tired". but this Saturday after a wasted thanksgiving and a few unneeded stressful days, i had to get out.

for once in my life...i danced my troubles away. from N*E*R*D, to Kanye to The Cool Kids---the music kept me hype. only party i ever been too where i didnt feel obligated to pressed to dance on a female. i was chilln.
the DJ was the shit...the drummer was just as good. their live act had me jumping, screaming, sweating.
even met some cool people, which is great cause i need a change in personality. [some friends get boring QUICK].

2 upsets:
1) dudes kept checkin me out. ok ok, yes my jeans were a tad small and my outfit was quite...stylish. but cant a straight guy be fly too? wtf.
2) my brand new white Nike Blazers were RUINED. i threw em in the wash in high hopes of cleaning em, ive yet to see the outcome.

even with these two major upsets, the night was well spent...what could make it better you ask?

hum...how about:

i only paid 99 cents to get in!

AND some guy was so high he started throwin money so i snatched a dollar...so i practically got in for free. and that my readers...you CANNOT beat.



((i'll save all the mundane and depressing drama for another post. im in a damn good mood...for once))

music

im in a quite somber mood these days so Coldplay's "Viva La Vida or Death and all his Friends" has been on blast. great cd for the depressed. Kanye;s "808s & Heartbreak" is also blasting in the truck. another good cd for the down and out. its actually a good cd period. not Mr.West's style to follow the crowd [pertaining to his use of the voice transformer] but its nice to see a different side of him. "Robocop" and "Street Lights" are two of my favorite tracks.but Ludacris has outed himself once again. his album "Theater of the Mind" is great. i find it safe to say that its better than "Paper Trail". although he has too many guest appearances and the flow is a little off, i throughly enjoy it. knocks hard.


music has overrun my life...and i love it
i need the escape