getting closer to my dreams.

honestly, that sums it up.

(i've got a good mind to end the post there. but)

job is bringing in money. job #2 is on its way. i've got like 3 or 4 books swirling around in my head. and i've decided to change my autobiography into a series type thing. it'll be fictional only because my imagination sees some quite humorous moments that won't happen until i write it. 

i can hardly do this post because my heart isnt in sync with it. my emotions are stone. i'm finally happy even though i'm totally alone (aside from pops.) i'll be going to Atlanta to visit but i wont be staying. i wont be leaving vegas for a while. 

im focusing on me and what i want.

"what is that?" one might ask.

well...i was never a demanding fella.

so, money, more clothes, time to do this book and the motivation to do so. 

sex would be nice but i'm not tripping. i'm throughly annoyed with 100% of the women i've talked to within these last few weeks. 

all i need is one key entry point and i'll be good in the company sector.

though, i doubt they can keep me company like i can.

twitter helps =)

things have certainly changed.

i dont feel as pressed as i used to. stress is washing itself away. nothing is really "wrong".

this is the part in life called the "comeup." things are getting better. acquired job #1, search for #2 starts monday, school is in progress, new apartment, women are still used as the mindless and easily confused creatures that they are and i remain alone. 

things are back at homeostasis.

i'm not emotionally unstable. i'm not odee angry. i'm not pointlessly happy.

the only thing i am is excited, for things to come.

i sense the struggle of my past washing off my shoulders and anticipation for the future motivating me to "go."

finally, the world feels like its where it belongs ; at my fingertips. i hate butterfingers (simpsons or not).

refreshed.

blog Playlist by @ipodtee on MySpace Music - Play Playlist Songs & Download Tracks

i hear this playing as i drive back to georgia. a good ol country song-ish type thing. i love the entire feel of it. viva la music.

i know who my father is.

Something not even Luke Skywalker could say.

A lot of friends my age have no clue about their fathers. some, even, to the extent that they can't even recall his name or facial features. 

this move has saved me from that fate. 

i know who my father is. i know what hes done. being able to say that means more than anything i've known. 

for years i've hated this man for leaving me.

then i forgave him but avoided him in fear of another disappointment.

consider that another fear i've conquered easily.

i know my father

and better yet, i love him.

coming to vegas was risky and i lost a lot doing so;

friends, belongings, her. things i hold dear to me.

and it was well worth it.

he is a feared man but through listening to his stories and drunken tirades i have heard his pain. running away at 15. growing up in the streets. being betrayed and flaked on by everyone who he ever held close, i'm included. listening to his best friend die to a game of russian roulette. 

the guy never really had anyone fight for him.

guess thats where my sense of "me v. the world" comes from. 

i feel empowered . renewed. its safe to say that i needed this. its taken a great deal of my anger and laid it to rest. 

i'm at peace.

at peace.

peace.

sidebar: i've been condensed to fit in a folder with everyone else when i was told that i was better than that. but words no longer gas me up or break me down so i'll refrain from indulging in the glorifying / condemning rings of those words. but i refuse to be the single point in which a seesaw of uncontrolled and misread emotions. so i've taken my focal point and moved it. yes, i'm angry but i'm smarter than anger. watch.

twilight zone.

time moves so slow here.
i've only been here a week and two days...and i feel like its been forever.
my body wakes up at 9 every morning.

i reach for my phone.
then my laptop
and i remember that neither work at the moment.

the only people i talk to are:
The LasVegas Hustler - Tarrance Sr.
The Almost Smart Enough Slickster - Keisha ______
&
The Doped-up Pill-popping Good-kid Gone Goon - Tyler _____ (a.k.a. tykee)

enter.
The New Kid - Tarrance Jr.


everything plays out in movie format. overly dramatic and mostly weird.
nothing happens. i think i got a job already. i'm not too sure.
i'll be back in school soon too. i think i might be out here for a while.
something about being in the same room as him brings me peace.

but something else keeps me out here.

viva las vegas

this is it guys.

my new life has started.

its odd. very movie/esque. i want to write a series of books based off this transition.

it feels like im visiting. like im gonna go home in a day or two..then i realize...i'm here for good.

its a very serene place. 

ride one way to reach the mountains. i watch the clouds gently sit right above the brown cliffs. i'll climb one someday.

ride the other way to reach the strip. lights. party. the fast life. its all in that direction. i find myself driving slow along the strip in the wee hours of the morning. not looking for anything, but just enjoying the freshness of this air. 

i own the nights here.

all these people do is smoke and sit around. no one works. i cant get stuck in that vacuum.

looking for a job and soon to enroll into the local university. i need to get back to writing more. i have a book(s) to produce.

i think i'm content. i might come to really enjoy this place. i'm adapting.

i own the car. i'm comfortable. 

i'm ready to start.

viva las vegas.

madness

i've gone insane.
i dont know what more to say than that.
each day things get worse.
more vivid.
more real.
more painful, at times.
theres no stopping it.
i feel as though God is giving me the mindset of one of my characters from my book.

but i've gone numb.
searching for something more.
something fulfilling.
something...else.
the mind set of another character.

all the while...i'm totally content.
i dont need anything more than what i have.
and that is nothing.
but i'm content in finding the beauty of depravity.
the mindset of the final character.

all leading back to the fact that i've gone insane.

i have nothing. but i have it all.
"enjoy the chaos."