thoughts

it has been some time since i've poured my soul onto this blog. i miss it. it has been my release from things that i cannot talk to my girlfriend about. i will neglect it no longer.

lately, i have been caught in a writing spell. but i can never write about myself. my stories contain my emotion, pieces of my persona but never the full me. so here i am, finally.

thought 1. my classes start soon. im not excited. between working almost 12 hours every m/w/f and then having class on t/th for five hours, and still making time for who matters most, my stress level is going to skyrocket. but its a change i must endure. my plan is to knock these classes against the wall retrieving an A in both. transfer to Georgia State then apply to Howard for next fall. yeah...thats the plan

thought 2. college students should only return home for summer and leave again. NEVER longer than two months. i am still at wits ends with my "parents". my mother has made it clear that she has chosen her husband over her son. though it may hurt, i will live. i need not their moral support or thumbs up on any of my decisions. staying at home while everyone has left is hard. its lonely. many a night i want to go to the club or maybe skating and i'm forced to go alone if at all. i need more friends. my weekend nights consist of writing depressing stories and waiting on her to get back from the club or other outings to talk her to sleep (which sometimes only takes twenty minuets).

thought 3. long distance relationships suck ass. temptations follows me like my shadow. recently i have found myself wanting to indulge in sexual pleasures but, of course, i cannot for she is not here. but temptation...she follows me. it seems that everyday i get another naked picture, another "i miss you" txt and another "i love you" txt from another girl. never have i been so faithful in not responding. never have i turned down so much sex. never have i wanted it so bad. i am a sex addict, in rehab. my love for this woman is strong. my will is strong and i will not fail in my relationship. everyday i have to go without kisses and physical attention. physically, i feel single but mentally i know i'm almost engaged. its so frustrating and i hate it. i hate even more that while she is out other men fell the urge to try and spit game at her. mainly those who she used to deal with. they seem to think that our love is either nonexistent or false and that they can touch her like they may have once before. some try to talk her out of her commitment just so they can fuck. though i deal with some of the same issues, it irritates me more when it happens to her. i believe that i have become the jealous type. im jealous that they can see her...and i cant.

thought 4. our relationship has grown, though. the daily arguments simply got old and tiring. i honestly felt the end nearing. i'm not sure when the change occurred but i know it was within the last two weeks. i know i have grown. her past (being engaged and cheating on her boyfirend/to-be-husband multiple times) often made me question her actions. it was the reason i needed to always be txting her or talking to her. i wanted to know where, when and with who all the time. now, though i still care, i dont have to know. she was recently in the same room with one of the guys she used to "do" on a regular basis and it hardly phased me. maybe it was because there were more than just the two of them in the room or maybe my trust has truly grown. i'm not as worried about her going to the club and dancing on other guys. im not concerned if they text her phone asking for her time. because now i know where her heart is. i may sound naive and foolish but a relationship must revolve around trust and with this new found trust, i believe that we will continue to grow. its too late for me not to get my hopes up. either i'm headed for the worst heartbreak in my history of heartbreaks or im headed to a bright and happy future.

thought 5. T.I.'s new album "Paper Trail" is great, surprisingly.

thought 6. i have almost completely let go of my ninja turtle fetish. but i keep hearing of people trying to pick up where i left off, it tempts me to make an appearance in all of my tmnt apparel and show these rookies the business.

thought 7. i need sex and intoxicating drinks.

thought 8. i'd like to go to a party soon.

thought 9. i wonder why i still write when i KNOW nobody still reads this.

thought 10. there is no thought ten...fuck it

bastard

was the best thing my step-father could have ever called me. to me, that means that he has finally come to terms that he is not my father. it is a cursed bond that we both share and yet, it is the very thing that tears us apart.

hate is a strong word. a word that should never be taken or said lightly. it is a word that can cut leaving one to bleed their soul. if love is pure and clean, hate is its polar opposite. hate is the color of Satin's blood taste of his sorrow. hate is a word that no man should ever have to say or hear. thus, i hate my stepfather. i've said it before without fully understanding the intensity of the word. now that i do, i can say it with ease. Herbert James Moore II, husband of Cynthia Denise Moore, i hate you.

in my younger years, i used to cry to my mother and her husband that i could never do anything to keep them happy. i could never please them. if ever this statement rang true, it showed today.

supposedly, the reason for our previous meetings with the shrink was that the elder Moores had grown overly frustrated with me not being enrolled in school and not having a job. my slight (2 month) downtime had caused such turmoil within this house that a professional third party was needed. now, i have a job. i am enrolled in school. one would think that all would subside. i did. i got my hopes up like i know not to.

i fuck everything up. thats what he told me. that was the cut that forced me to stab.
words are weapons. some use swords, some use guns, some use other untraditional weapons.
he uses a gun. the sudden bang of emotion is at first frightening and causes many to run. those who are used to it remain standing, though they are usually the target. once the bullet is released and hits its target the pain is immediate. my response is anger, more words.
i prefer poison. letting my words seep into my enemy's skin, not causing any instant or visible pain. but once the door is closed and one has time passed, my poison begins to work. it eats at the soul and causes internal and longer lasting pain.
i am a smarter fighter than he is.

i'm beginning to feel helpless.
i cant do shit right here
and i cant help my girlfriend in mississippi. her battles call for more than poison but i cant lend her my loaded gun for i cant even see her.
we help each other, she and i. that is how we survive. i wipe her tears and she holds me. i depend on her to ease my rage and she does a wonderful job as my mother never could.
they say its wrong for a woman to have to choose between her spouse and her child.
i agree, she should always choose the being she conceived. but im only 19, what the fuck do i know about being a wife/mother torn? nothing. i do know what its like being a son stranded, searching for love between the legs of any attractive female. i know whats it like to be a child with more bottled up emotion than the VT killers. i know what its like to be a dying human with no refuge or person to turn to.
i know of that life
and i have gotten my hopes up expecting another life soon.

maybe this woman can show me the love my mother neglected to. maybe i can turn myself into a man without the hindering tactics of her husband.

like most bastard children...what other choice do i have?

alone

its something im going to have to get used to. people have lives and i cant always be a part of them.

maybe i ask too much from the people i want to be with the most. maybe im too demanding. maybe i shouldnt get upset when i dont get a call or text. but when thats all i have and i cant see that person..am i so wrong?
when texting has to get me through my day and calls through my night, am i wrong for being upset when they dont come?

i spoke to a few friends about this...this was the advice i got

"Find some new friends. find someone to take her place when she decides to go m.i.a. or out or whatever."
"Find a girl on the side"
"just dont sweat it."
"take a few steps back, dont let her be such a major part of your life. that way you cant miss her as much."
"take a break."
"i told you this was gonna happen...just let it go."

obviously none of these were the help i needed.

i could use some new friends...

she came home not too long ago. we had a great time, even through the problems. if there was ever a moment that i knew i loved her, it was when i sat downstairs with her mother's halfway drunken ex waiting for her to walk downstairs. and when she did..my entire world stopped. she wore a white dress with blue, red, and yellow flowers. her light makeup was flawless. her hair had grown some hardly brushing he shoulders and some sections had a few crinkles. her cleavage was perfect, not too much and just enough. the sun shined on her just right...like a sign from God.

speaking of...i believe that he has been trying to reach me. it seems like his name randomly comes in throughout my day. or i might notice something that one might say is..."divine". i think (in a grandma way of thinking) that all the problems between me and my girlfriend might be the devil trying to ruin something meant for greatness.




i digress. my mood has changed since i started writing but the fact remains that while she is out drinking/partying and my other "friends" are off in their college lifes...i am here. i am alone. no lonely moments. i am truly and utterly alone. and i hate it.

((i hate this post. but i needed to update))

wishful babbling

somethings must happen.
many things cannot be changed though we try to avoid them
if i had three wishes they would be:
1) to be able to materialize an endless supply of money from fingertips. ((with which i would buy everything i need to life comfortable and provide the stability and security that she desires))
2)that i could obtain super speed that equivalent of the Flash's [who ran to the end of time] and flight ((with which i would don a suit and mask and save the world from itself))
3) to ses the genie or whatever free like in Alladin and have him use his powers to help me forever cause we're friends now.

seeing as how life will never happen like that..im stuck looking for jobs and worrying about meeting ends...FOREVER.

i often wonder why people are so afraid to die, when living is just a big pointless hassle. learn, work, pay bills, work, pay bills, work and die. is that all i have to look forward to? im not excited

if i could change any one thing about my current situation it would be that im not back at Howard. i often find myself flustered at the fact that she is sometimes too busy to entertain me. i have come to realize that its not her being too busy...but me not being busy enough. if i was at howard, i would be just as if not more busy and wouldnt be so stressed. then again, its possible that we woulda fell apart if i woulda returned.
OR
i would bring her back home...

i have acquired my license and enrolled in a school which has been enough to take the burden of my family off of my back. they seem to be proud of me and have been easier to live around. the tension has eased. driving really eases me. all i need is a great driving cd and a place to go.

i feel more alone than ever. all friends have left for college so my driving ability is almost unneeded. its frustrating. no one is here...no one has time for me...its just me.

i need to be on a campus.

i wish...so much was different...
though things are better...im still miserable.

dead man's thoughts

trusting those whom i know not to.
i have always been a trusting guy. always giving others the benefit of the doubt, no matter their track record. Tarrance Sr has, yet again, reminded me of why this act came to an end. he often reminds me why i no longer trust anyone.
he promised me a car
he promised me a room in his house
he promised me freedom
none of these he can deliver.

i am upset. no. im beyond that...but the word for extreme and suppressed anger escapes me. i got my hopes up. i trusted him. i was excited. after fighting so valiantly, i realized that i wanted Tarrance in my life. i needed to know what my Foster roots were like. for once in my life, i desired for a man. some one to talk with, to swap sex stories with, someone to ride downtown with, someone to fill the void that my female friends couldnt. i needed to embrace the source of my anger. i was excited. i thought that maybe living with him would help me change. make me a better person.
but like always, encountering him has only made me worse.

he has promised me $1500 so i can find my own car for hum to buy. i wont get my hopes up.

my body runs on auto-pilot. not much thinking is required to interact with my "family". i will begin to work soon, but i will not disclose where at. my "mother" tries to get me to tell her by asking daily, or asking how im going to get there, or asking how far it is, or threatening to turn off my phone. hopefully i can receive my first check before she can. i dont eat in this house and i have no car. so i hardly eat at all. i am losing weight. i feel as though i am dying. my mind is hungry and cannot be fed. mentally, im withering away. there is nothing left for me here.

my predictions often hold more truth than i wish.

though our relationship has changed and our love strengthened, i still feel...forgotten. not forgotten completely for she does call regularly and texts daily but often forgotten momentarily. it could be that because i am not completely busy all the time or maybe i have grown TOO attached, or maybe im just selfish. but i feel as though moments when i need her the most, when i have reached my limit or am ready to break down...she is busy. too busy for a broke city boy. this...neglect (for lack of a better term) often leaves me bitter and standoffish towards her. in addition to that, my frustration and sorrow lead me to become a recluse in my own relationship. always tending to her needs, but hardly listing my own. i am pushing her away...and i hate it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------fear-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i believe that is what fuels me now. before the hate, the rage or the love; it is the fear. the fear of being stuck here. the fear of not being able to provide. the fear of losing. the fear of being lost. the fear of life. i continue to keep to myself (save for this blog and its few readers)out of fear. i am so on edge, so close to nothingness that im afraid that if i tell all., if i vocally express my issues...i could lose composure. i might cry

i accept death because i am afraid of life

but i once heard that any man who accepts death...is already dead

inspiration?

i spoke to a friend today, a woman of older age. she has told me something that i find most interesting about myself. she told me that i inspire her. she told me that i inspire many and that i leave a great lasting effect on many people. she told me that though my situation may not be the best one to be in, that i still manage to make people laugh, smile and show them a livelier side of life. i install these inspiring thoughts into the minds of those i touch. i inspire those who have dropped talents, to pick them back up. i inspire those who have lost hope to maintain focus. i inspire those who wish to die, to live.
this woman told me i was an inspiration. and as the day progressed i heard many times how i have inspired others from others.

i thought lightly of it but it made my day. it helped me to ease my mind of earlier occurring events that had me in a state of mental turmoil.

then later, i received a message on myspace with the subject "you inspired me". it was random but sat heavy on my brain.

could i really inspire people? is that my latent ability?

still, the real question is, if i can inspire so many to write, to love, to work, to keep going, to smile, to live...why am i so uninspired to do those last three?

my father's son

i am not too happy that i have this title, that i am the second Tarrance Bernard Foster. But i am. and each day i see it more and more. each day, i watch myself become more of that man. the woman he fucked and birthed me too often mentions the visual resemblance and has alluded to the same on a mental state. i see this as well.
and it pisses me of. a response he, too, would have. if my channeled anger could ever be matched, it is by him. i remember many a night the two of us riding to nowhere in his Chevy Suburban, him with a beer in his hand, playing another Tupac album and reminding his only son of how its just him in the world. how he knew i hated him even before i did. how everything he had was going to be in my name. how much he loved me.
years ago...i did love this man. i idolized him. but even a young soul can only withstand so much. there was a fine line between love and hate. he erased it and forced me to draw my own boarders. sadly, no person, after that day, could find that line. no person could cross what they couldnt see. no person knew of my love and i cared not for theirs.

this man is trying to regain access to my life. with nowhere to turn, i am forced to grant him his desire. many tell me that it might be a good decision. i have my doubts.

but i see him. i feel him in me. daily i want to taste alcohol until i forget all of my troubles. i hear his angry voice inside my head. i spat words of hate as though i a fluent in the language of disdain. i see his burning hazel eyes. i look in the mirror and see him...his hairless face stares at me until i can no longer look.

i am not fond of this man. and still i am his junior. his names keeps me near to him. and she wants to name our son the same...if i cannot change the legacy then he, too, will feel this hatred. the hatred of a father's son