the plethora.

im not all the way sure what to title this post.
...its a mix of emotions. anger.sadness.confusion.blah.blah.blah.

i looked in the mirror today. and the face i saw. it was one i hadn't seen in quite some time. it was cold. frozen. stiff with anger. a faux anger used to cover the initial pain.

this relationship that i have been in is starting to not only confuse me but annoy me.
one moment she wants a break, the next she wants to leave, then shes crying, then shes mad, then its all nothing.
add that on top of the fact that we hardly ever speak anymore and you have a very tiring situation.
last night she decided she was tired of me. so this morning she initiated a "break" (what i like to call the prelude to the end). hours later she wanted me back.
this up-and-down situation and never knowing what to expect but always getting the short end of the stick has grown old.

she hangs with these guys that we both know have an infaution with her...or had relations with her..and im supposed to be ok with it all. im not supposed to ask questions. i shouldn't be concerned, even though if i dont ask a question she'll never bring up another subject and we'll be left holding a silent phone.hardly do i let my jealously of these particular lucky men even excret from my soul into my inquiries. but i spark conversation asking about her day, the minor details...and i'm at fault.

i cant win.

no matter the predicament, i always lose.
she wants a break...i lose.
she wants to stay but needs space...i lose.
she wants to stay but is still leaving for maryland in months...i lose.
she leaves...i lose.
its not fair...its never been fair.
but i've grown numb. after her theatricals last night. after the neglect from prior times. after the bashing of last week. i'm numb. i wont say that i want her to leave..i dont. still, it feels like i've been doing nothing but enduring. enduring her sporatic fits of unexplained emotion.
i've endured. so when do i get to be happy again? when will my love be recprociated? its been too long.

during my neglect someone has come along to ease the pain. a person who knows my situation, understands and only wants to help. they have. many a night when Shanika has decided to stay out or simply not call or txt for her eversomany reasons, this person has called and kept me company. their all day texting and sweet words have remined my face of my smile. i am grateful.

...then again. there have been many to keep me company in this time. i thank all my wonderful friends.

i keep hearing something. that i'm a great person/son/boyfriend. so why am i at the recieveing end of torment?
i wonder.
i had more to say...this whole post was formulated differently in my mind.

but, it still rings true. with bit of each emotion attached and pain downsized greatly.

i look to the west as the sun sets...and remember my ephiphany.

stab.

as i drove to class today, Shanika and i had a textual conversation.
she thinks this is the end. or it "maybe", rather.

it was raining, not hard. just enough to have to turn the windshield wipers on medium.
i didnt mind though. because as the clouds cried, i did too. i told myself in tenth grade i'd never cry over a female again.
but it hurts so bad. to see nearly a year's worth of sacrifice, time, money, memories, love, arguments, laughs and sweet kisses all go down the drain...really really sucks.

my heart is heavy. my body weak. my mind clouded. nothing is right. but everything is as it should be...otherwise it wouldn't be.
never have i loved so fiercely. with such passion and determination.
it hurts so bad.

but i cant cry anymore. my last tears have fallen. now i grin this painful, halfhearted, sorrowful smile.
i play with the necklace and ring of hers dangling around my neck. i grin.
i remember our first kiss. i grin.
i remember valentines day, christmas, new years, my birthday, her birthday, her sister's birthday. i grin.
i remember missing her while i was in dc. i grin
i remember asking her out so childishly. i grin.
i remember her driving from villa rica to camp creek just to take me home from work. i grin.
i remember how often i gave her my last 20 dollars for gas money. i grin.
i remember how hard it was to save for and make both her build-a-bears. i grin.
i remember how much harder it was to find and save for her purple ipod. i grin.

now the memories are just that. memories, to be written down and soon forgotten with the coming of her next love.
now missing her, simply isnt enough.
now the money is gone.
now the build-a-bears will be tossed into her pile of acquired stuffed animals from over the years.
now her ipod will not hold memories of me...only music.
and soon, it will all be over.

though it is a sad story, indeed, the silver lining MIGHT be: i can finally focus on me (oh joy. how fun that'll be)
i could go into the air force without a second thought.
i could take out a huge loan and go back to howard without feeling like im leaving somebody behind.
i could have more sex.
but
what is a career without somebody to celebrate it with.?
what is a degree in another state without somebody to come home to.?
what is sex without the passion.?

all these thoughts...
its like running a blade through my chest into the very depths of my being.
and i bleed these words.

anger, revisited

for as long as i could remember, anger has all but totally ruined my life.

but after finding love i was able to put my anger aside and think more with my head as opposed to my rage.

upon recent introspection, i found that i was a lot calmer when i was run by anger. and a few recent events have...upset me to say the least.

but im tired. God knows im tired. im tired of letting a select few people say and do whatever it is that they please about, towards and to me.

my relationship is on its last legs. i know she wants to leave. for the past so many days shes hardly even spoken to me. maybe its this needing space thing i hear people say. we have somewhat smothered eachother with txt and phone calls for the past 10 almost 11 months. BUT one would think...well, at least i think that the few states between us is space enough. but who am i to say? im the little bad boyfriend with too many questions and too many insequrities.

my "home" life. fuck it. fuck them. all.
i have planned my escape and once it is enacted. i will not be returning. i will vanish.

my quest for happiness has been postponed. re-routed rather. i had hoped my love would help me to find happiness. it seems as though she is no longer interested. thus, i will embark alone. hoping to find something to ease the bubbling infuration.

until next time. adieu.

maturity.

i have come to find something:
in life, you are not an adult until you stop blaming everyone else and start "taking responsibility" for your own actions/predicament.

i spent all my money therefore i am broke.
i ask too many questions therefore my girlfriend hates me and avoided me all night.
i am a horrible son/student/person therefore my parents want me out of their house
so on and so forth...

...talk about adding salt to an open wound.
depression settles.again.

depression comes

life has knocked me off my small donkey.
back to the ground i go..

what do i have to lose...?
more motivation.

eternal darkness looks wonderful.

because nothing gold can stay.

i feel some kind of way.
deff not happy.
kinda not sad.
indifferent? but i care.
idk...emotions are stupid and should be ignored. yet, im run almost solely off these things.

i had the play today. did ok i guess. i felt better in practice. not sure why.
we performed for the homeless. got a lot of em saved. it felt really good to be a part of something so pivotal in someone's life. possibly the best thing i've ever given a homeless person.
the sad thing is...when i looked into the faces of the audience...all i could see was myself. with every glance, i saw a future me.. a failure. a struggling nameless nobody, too down and out to pick myself up and fix my life.
maybe its a good thing i could relate to my crowd...but i hated it.
bittersweet experience.

and of course, the girlfriend set everything off.
but because i don't want to bore you with my emotional and illogical babble, i'll keep it short:
i think she wants to be single again.
also, i think, she thinks she is.

im not sure because shes not returning my text...

so it seems grey turns back into black.

hypocritical ways

can an actor be a hyprocrite?
can someone whose purpose is to portray someone else be accused of being something they're not?

i feel this way. but maybe its my "divine calling". i mean, i didnt search for this opportunity. i kinda fell in my lap

story: my sister been doin this church play thing for a few months now [again trying to be like her big brother.]. she needed a ride to the church one day. of course, my parents being the people they are, i was volunteered. get there sit down, halfway listen to whats going on. some guy writes a play about a man with baggage (his sinful ways) but he cant get the ending. me being the guy that i am, i decide to use my talents to help the old man. i write an ending. they love it. eat it up. used it.
so we go back next week. not by choice of course. so im there, incognito. session ends.
this is where shit starts to happen...the next week, i decide to go of my own free will. i was late tho. so the head lady decided to punish me by throwing a random part at me. of course, with my previous acting expirence (thanks Kirk), i surprise her. she gives me the part. [wtf..i didnt ask for it]. so blah blah blah. we perform for the head guy...he loves my part. he loves how i portray the charcter i was given. but i can give my delievery so well....because i deal with my character everyday. i am pride.

problem: i feel horrible participating in this play because im, truthfully, a horrible person.
i lie.
i steal.
i devieve.
i bad mouth ptople.
i hurt people.
i wish death on people
i wish sickness on people.
i can be totally heartless and void when it comes to others.
and yet, here i am trying to minister to people through drama. ((though i actually dont give a fuck, i just like to act.))
ugh.

beyond that. im broke...again somehow. but i need $40 by next wensday. and i cant work monday because of this play.
the life high that i was on has suddenly ended leaving me broken from the fall.