i know who my father is.

Something not even Luke Skywalker could say.

A lot of friends my age have no clue about their fathers. some, even, to the extent that they can't even recall his name or facial features. 

this move has saved me from that fate. 

i know who my father is. i know what hes done. being able to say that means more than anything i've known. 

for years i've hated this man for leaving me.

then i forgave him but avoided him in fear of another disappointment.

consider that another fear i've conquered easily.

i know my father

and better yet, i love him.

coming to vegas was risky and i lost a lot doing so;

friends, belongings, her. things i hold dear to me.

and it was well worth it.

he is a feared man but through listening to his stories and drunken tirades i have heard his pain. running away at 15. growing up in the streets. being betrayed and flaked on by everyone who he ever held close, i'm included. listening to his best friend die to a game of russian roulette. 

the guy never really had anyone fight for him.

guess thats where my sense of "me v. the world" comes from. 

i feel empowered . renewed. its safe to say that i needed this. its taken a great deal of my anger and laid it to rest. 

i'm at peace.

at peace.

peace.

sidebar: i've been condensed to fit in a folder with everyone else when i was told that i was better than that. but words no longer gas me up or break me down so i'll refrain from indulging in the glorifying / condemning rings of those words. but i refuse to be the single point in which a seesaw of uncontrolled and misread emotions. so i've taken my focal point and moved it. yes, i'm angry but i'm smarter than anger. watch.

twilight zone.

time moves so slow here.
i've only been here a week and two days...and i feel like its been forever.
my body wakes up at 9 every morning.

i reach for my phone.
then my laptop
and i remember that neither work at the moment.

the only people i talk to are:
The LasVegas Hustler - Tarrance Sr.
The Almost Smart Enough Slickster - Keisha ______
&
The Doped-up Pill-popping Good-kid Gone Goon - Tyler _____ (a.k.a. tykee)

enter.
The New Kid - Tarrance Jr.


everything plays out in movie format. overly dramatic and mostly weird.
nothing happens. i think i got a job already. i'm not too sure.
i'll be back in school soon too. i think i might be out here for a while.
something about being in the same room as him brings me peace.

but something else keeps me out here.

viva las vegas

this is it guys.

my new life has started.

its odd. very movie/esque. i want to write a series of books based off this transition.

it feels like im visiting. like im gonna go home in a day or two..then i realize...i'm here for good.

its a very serene place. 

ride one way to reach the mountains. i watch the clouds gently sit right above the brown cliffs. i'll climb one someday.

ride the other way to reach the strip. lights. party. the fast life. its all in that direction. i find myself driving slow along the strip in the wee hours of the morning. not looking for anything, but just enjoying the freshness of this air. 

i own the nights here.

all these people do is smoke and sit around. no one works. i cant get stuck in that vacuum.

looking for a job and soon to enroll into the local university. i need to get back to writing more. i have a book(s) to produce.

i think i'm content. i might come to really enjoy this place. i'm adapting.

i own the car. i'm comfortable. 

i'm ready to start.

viva las vegas.

madness

i've gone insane.
i dont know what more to say than that.
each day things get worse.
more vivid.
more real.
more painful, at times.
theres no stopping it.
i feel as though God is giving me the mindset of one of my characters from my book.

but i've gone numb.
searching for something more.
something fulfilling.
something...else.
the mind set of another character.

all the while...i'm totally content.
i dont need anything more than what i have.
and that is nothing.
but i'm content in finding the beauty of depravity.
the mindset of the final character.

all leading back to the fact that i've gone insane.

i have nothing. but i have it all.
"enjoy the chaos."

shattered.

its amazing how things fall apart.
random thought.

i told my mother of my plans to depart. she was oddly at peace with it. i was expecting her to be more hysterical.
good.
same with her husband. they were both pretty cool with the thought. maybe its because i caused so much turmoil in the past.

told shanika.
she didnt take it as well. and to see her so bent out of shape about it was...refreshing.
felt like she cared.
but shes an actress, as she often reminds me.
she was only home for a few days. she only managed to see me once (and for an hour the night before). but she made time for sheldon and his possee. of course, drinks were involved [as if i didnt have any to give]. i'm convinced that shes more interested in the possibilities of others than the possibility of a reality with me.
yea.
then, of course, me being who i am, i found out that she just ignores most of what i say because we "been done." and shes got a new "boo" on the rise. hum.
am i upset.? nah. i expect this from her. thus, i'll bring what she said to reality. "we're done."
period.
shatter.

someone broke into my truck last night.
stole a suitcase and a shoebox. both of which were full of things shanika gave me.
i was quite upset about it earlier. -now- eh.

after living a good month on a non-induced high, i'm finally coming down. i hate it but i've found the key to my happiness. and i will use that key to unlock the closet used to store my smiles.
i dont mean to sound cliche or immature but fuck everything else.

this time will be spent writing my book.

my life is still in shambles.
shattered.
but i'm calmly picking up the many pieces and getting ready to weld them back together.

a change of heart.

i have alot to say. 

my mind wreaks with a plethora of emotions, thoughts, anger, frustration and the like.

i have changed. totally. 

my ego has grown beyond measure. i'm no longer the kid i was in high school. nor am i the same person that i was a year ago. seven months ago i began to change. i lost the naivety that once was. the ability to love blindly and trust foolishly. its gone. never to return possibly. 

mentally: i see the world differently. i see everything differently. 

nothing is the same.

nothing is worth keeping. as of this moment i have decided to drop everything. 

i havent the hope nor strength nor faith that anything will work in my favor. thus, i've quit making plans. nothing will go accordingly. i will only make action. 

with that being said--i'm leaving georgia. i'm going to start anew in a new land. on a new coast.

i'm leaving everything behind. friends from high school. family. those who claim to love me. all of it. 

none of it has done anything but hold me back---so i break the chains and walk into my destiny. 

i have enjoyed these past few weeks, though. freedom from obligation of people. phone calls. text. not having or needing to answer to a single person. 

i have lived for me and me only, most nights. and after my move, i will continue to do the same. 

no one has shown themselves deserving of my constant struggle. thus, i cease. 

i had planned to stay and fight for what i loved. this city. that person. such. 

but i've had a change of heart. 

"you dont equal school or work or any of the other stuff i'm trying to accomplish," is what i was told by someone i sacrificed going back to howard sophomore year for. 

its a 10/90 love. well i'm taking my and walking.

i'm buying my ticket as we speak.

let it be.

here i am again.

fighting for the past. for what was.

for six long months i've fought this fight. it was one thing i can say i really gave my all to.

but

it was to no avail.

never love someone who cant love you more.

i have loved this woman with every inch of my persona.

i sacrificed. i gave.  and i'm sure they did too.

six months.

14 months before that.

all of which i devoted to her. all of which i gave everything.

but it was to no avail.

it seems that even though i've given my all...they cant do the same.

so in an "all or nothing" world, this person has decided to be nothing.

logical, is it not.?

i will not succumb to being in an sometimey relationship again knowing i will give all and receive some. and they will not be in a relationship with the burden of giving all. instead they'll roam this world looking for a love that they probably wont find elsewhere. an understanding that might not exist.

i dont judge this person for their ill choices. 

i dont hate them for their contradictions of love.

but i am disappointed. 

it seems that even now the title "failure" follows me.

but unlike before...i embrace it.

am i deeply hurt and saddened, yes. but it will not destroy me. 

i will not let it. i've got too many other deamons to fight to allow myself to give in to this one.

in a matter of a day and a half i will be homeless.

but i have a plan.

a master plan. only a few random ears have heard this scheme and none others will until it is implemented. 

though my heart weeps and my skies grey i am not depressed.

i find my peace in these words and in my weed.

yes. 

i am lonely. i sleep and wake up to an inactive phone in an empty bed.

and i know, through it all, my nomadic nature of nonstop moving will help me move away from this dark time.

everything is as it is

and i plan to let it be.