discouraged.

i realize.
people tell you what they want you to hear.
they never want you to have the truth. not the whole truth.
not the pain.

truth is:
truth is pain.

i'm not pointing the finger...i'm victim of this too.
and still...i wont get used to it.

example:
she went on a date with the dude who clearly loves her. something you just dont do when you're working on a relationship...but of course whe went..and almost tried to hide it. then wouldnt tell me how it went.

the secrets build..as does my irritation.

i've spent the last three nights at her house..but does she speak to me..?
of course not. she txt chris and lorenzo.
right...cause they're tryn to get at her...and she clearly likes it.

so what do i do?

quit.

i'm at a weird stage in life.
a clown's juggling act comes to mind.
im juggling being a decent and bearable person to a new family. trying to get the love of my life back with me. and not totally shutting out my old family.
those are the three...balls so to speak.
as i toss all three in the air at once...i find myself in a sticky situation.

how to catch them all..and keep them in rotation.
if i let one fall...it'll explode leaving me scared for life.

i had a pretty horrible night. i wont go into detail.
no matter how you try to dress it...rejection hurts.
even if you choose not to call it rejection.

but in this day..i've learned a few things.

1. forgive..or become what you grow to hate.
2. when you change for people, they'll always want you to change back.
3. those who want to be there; will.
4. i freestyle way better when im angry.

so. even tho im totally miserable. even tho my life sucks

but no longer will i burden others with my woe is me party.
i'll keep it for this blog and notes maybe.

though the road is dark now...
streetlights guide me.
and i know i will reach my destination.

even if i must do so alone.

void.

i owe you an update.
much has transpired. but i haven't the words just yet.
nor the strength.

i find that i have motivated some to start blogs.
i love that i can share something so intimate with those close to me.
it makes me smile that others can vent in such a way that has helped me through so many years.

hum.
i'd like to say that the sun i rising...but i fear that as soon as i let the thought escape my day will end.

i havent fully unpacked.
so my room is cluttered. and i cant relax. yet alone focus.
but im alive. and somewhat well. in a place i never wanted to see again.
sacrifices must be made.
hopefully...i will finally meet success and can bid failure adieu.

goodbye.

today has come.
june one.
my eviction.

cynthia came to me the other morning. tears in her eyes and good in her heart.
in my spite, i turned her away only listening when i say her eyes melting pearls.

she wants me to stay in touch. she wants me to know that this isnt easy. she wants me to know she tried. she offered me a place to stay until august but she also told me that i was a factor in her lingering divorce...something i want no part of.
apparently, i am "ten percent" of the their problems. so i decided to leave anyway. if they divorce, it will not be because of me.

so
i've been spending time with people who have meant something to me over the years.

wenseday: Shanika came over. we talked, joked and tried to come to terms with my situation. she had[has been] missing a lot of things going on due to our lack of conversation. [our texting conversation offically sucks b/c of one word responces and the like and phone calls dont exist.] so i filled her in telling her about my air force plan. if i ever felt like she was still mine, that was it. [yet right now, im not as confident.] she left not long after she came..but our conversation was needed and apperciated.

friday: i went to the ELHS graduation. saw some old oh7 grads that i havent seen since we walked across the stage. hung with Ariel, her younger sister and montez. me up with killa later that night. ate at tadzy's. laughed. gave advice. took advice. all until about 2am.

saturday: i met up with neighbor, joel. went to the pool. helped another friend do some work. went back to the pool. drank some "moonshine". got a buzz. smoked some ganja. relaxed my nerves.
for the entire day, i forgot about my problems. i went numb. and i loved every second. more friends came. Jessica Ridgley, Britni...etc. smoked more. drank more. before we knew it, a small get together was a semi party. i was drunk/elevated. and, again, i loved it. it was a night i needed. the only thing missing was some good sex.

sunday: woke up at joel's house. Britni cooked[again, actually]. ate. pool. chill. nap. chill. eat.
and finally, around six, i left to go see somebody i almost dreaded seeing. i didnt dread seeing this person because of who she is but because of how hard saying "goodbye" might be. this person has helped me cope with..everything. she has been what i lacked and did it all just to help me ease my worries. a real friend to say the least. she had a wonderful gift waiting for me. a picture frame with 13[my fav number] pictures of us, the name of our blogs and our government names. we went to get frosties...and after that..we talked. long. and deep.
and to my surprise, it wasn't sad. well not like i thought it was gonna be. it was nice. relaxing. soothing. reassuring. calming. and i loved it.

every person i came in concact with this weekend will be missed.

i dont know how things will go from here.
or where they'll go.

but i'm pretty much at the rock bottom now...[and the cliche goes...]

hopefully, this optomistic shit works...for everything.

t minus 5

yes friends.
only five days left before i will be dropped from this nest prematurely.
i haven't yet learned to fly...but i can coast along the winds.

ironically. the air force will teach me to flap my wings.
[enter heavy sigh here]

my life has become everything i didnt want it to.
...seriously.
now that i've sulked. and moped. and cried. and regretted.

i can finally move on. and i will.

shanika and i are still working on getting things together.
but...we had a talk today. and i was forced to speak on my fear of losing her.
though i dont want her as only a friend. i know thats what i might become.
another ex who is just a friend.

but. knowing that im not the only one scared.
knowing that she still has plans for us.
that she still considers us together[ish].

[[of course i'd still like to get rid of this chris character. but hes her "friend" so i'll leave him be.]]

i have a place to live for the time being.
im a tad worried about what'll happen after i enlist...
hopefully something even more fulfilling will come along first. but if not...
lets just hope that i'm not sent to the middle east.

all in all.
for the moment.
i'm optomistic.

im ok. for now.

clogged.

my words are in a knot.
my brain is constipated.

hence the lack of posts.
i've been going through quite a bit.

with one week left under the roof of my mother/step.father
with 2 weeks of being single after nearly a year of being "married"
with no one to turn to.
with no tears to cry.
with no place to run.
with nothing...at all.

all i can do is let the world turn
and realize:
by shanika,
cynthia
and god...
i have been forsaken.

mister negative.

someone once asked me why i was so negative.
later they reminded me of the reason.


this has happened twice in my life. once was last night.

everything goes wrong. always.
im not going to ga state b/c of my gpa.
so in june [a few weeks] i wont have a place to live.
i am no longer in an relationship.
and instead of cherishing the things that we loved as a couple, this person would rather set boundaries as to what is "ok".

i have, yet again, failed.
in all areas of life.

i have watched as my ex's relationship with on particular male has blossomed.
he adores her.
she claims the feeling isnt mutual.
but
they txt all day.
comment eachother's each and every status.
instant message each time they're both online.
talk on the phone often.

all the comforts and smiles she once gave me...she gives him.
but hes "just a friend."
and i simply have to "get it" that she wants me and not him regardless of her actions.
but im trying to be the friend she needs to make her happy. to give her time to figure "things" out.

i do have one advantage over him: distance.
since her return to ga, i live closer than he does...so driving to see him wont be something that happens often...hopefully.
so im jealous. fucking sue me.

but more than that...im hurt.
with each day that we're not together, the heartache settles more.
the more it settles, the more used to it i get.
she claims we'll get back together...i feel differently.

so i watch as her exes flock back to her
as this new guy clings to her
and as she draws away from me.
all i can do is watch. if i struggle it gets worse.

ironically: my pastor said something the sunday we broke up. "cease struggle."
i struggled to keep what i knew was going to happen from happening..it happened.
im struggling to find a smile. to keep a love alive. to understand "happy". im failing at all of those.

what will be will be.
watching "DejaVu" has reminded me of that. no matter how you try to change things...they will always remain the same. forching change only leads to the same outcome that youtried to avoid.

no matter what: she would have left.
no matter what: she would have him
no matter what: i wouldnt have gotten into gsu
no matter what: i'll still be alone.

there is no real victory for a hero. nor a villian.
this iis why i'm so negative.
and i havent found a person that can give me a reason not to be.