shattered.

its amazing how things fall apart.
random thought.

i told my mother of my plans to depart. she was oddly at peace with it. i was expecting her to be more hysterical.
good.
same with her husband. they were both pretty cool with the thought. maybe its because i caused so much turmoil in the past.

told shanika.
she didnt take it as well. and to see her so bent out of shape about it was...refreshing.
felt like she cared.
but shes an actress, as she often reminds me.
she was only home for a few days. she only managed to see me once (and for an hour the night before). but she made time for sheldon and his possee. of course, drinks were involved [as if i didnt have any to give]. i'm convinced that shes more interested in the possibilities of others than the possibility of a reality with me.
yea.
then, of course, me being who i am, i found out that she just ignores most of what i say because we "been done." and shes got a new "boo" on the rise. hum.
am i upset.? nah. i expect this from her. thus, i'll bring what she said to reality. "we're done."
period.
shatter.

someone broke into my truck last night.
stole a suitcase and a shoebox. both of which were full of things shanika gave me.
i was quite upset about it earlier. -now- eh.

after living a good month on a non-induced high, i'm finally coming down. i hate it but i've found the key to my happiness. and i will use that key to unlock the closet used to store my smiles.
i dont mean to sound cliche or immature but fuck everything else.

this time will be spent writing my book.

my life is still in shambles.
shattered.
but i'm calmly picking up the many pieces and getting ready to weld them back together.

a change of heart.

i have alot to say. 

my mind wreaks with a plethora of emotions, thoughts, anger, frustration and the like.

i have changed. totally. 

my ego has grown beyond measure. i'm no longer the kid i was in high school. nor am i the same person that i was a year ago. seven months ago i began to change. i lost the naivety that once was. the ability to love blindly and trust foolishly. its gone. never to return possibly. 

mentally: i see the world differently. i see everything differently. 

nothing is the same.

nothing is worth keeping. as of this moment i have decided to drop everything. 

i havent the hope nor strength nor faith that anything will work in my favor. thus, i've quit making plans. nothing will go accordingly. i will only make action. 

with that being said--i'm leaving georgia. i'm going to start anew in a new land. on a new coast.

i'm leaving everything behind. friends from high school. family. those who claim to love me. all of it. 

none of it has done anything but hold me back---so i break the chains and walk into my destiny. 

i have enjoyed these past few weeks, though. freedom from obligation of people. phone calls. text. not having or needing to answer to a single person. 

i have lived for me and me only, most nights. and after my move, i will continue to do the same. 

no one has shown themselves deserving of my constant struggle. thus, i cease. 

i had planned to stay and fight for what i loved. this city. that person. such. 

but i've had a change of heart. 

"you dont equal school or work or any of the other stuff i'm trying to accomplish," is what i was told by someone i sacrificed going back to howard sophomore year for. 

its a 10/90 love. well i'm taking my and walking.

i'm buying my ticket as we speak.

let it be.

here i am again.

fighting for the past. for what was.

for six long months i've fought this fight. it was one thing i can say i really gave my all to.

but

it was to no avail.

never love someone who cant love you more.

i have loved this woman with every inch of my persona.

i sacrificed. i gave.  and i'm sure they did too.

six months.

14 months before that.

all of which i devoted to her. all of which i gave everything.

but it was to no avail.

it seems that even though i've given my all...they cant do the same.

so in an "all or nothing" world, this person has decided to be nothing.

logical, is it not.?

i will not succumb to being in an sometimey relationship again knowing i will give all and receive some. and they will not be in a relationship with the burden of giving all. instead they'll roam this world looking for a love that they probably wont find elsewhere. an understanding that might not exist.

i dont judge this person for their ill choices. 

i dont hate them for their contradictions of love.

but i am disappointed. 

it seems that even now the title "failure" follows me.

but unlike before...i embrace it.

am i deeply hurt and saddened, yes. but it will not destroy me. 

i will not let it. i've got too many other deamons to fight to allow myself to give in to this one.

in a matter of a day and a half i will be homeless.

but i have a plan.

a master plan. only a few random ears have heard this scheme and none others will until it is implemented. 

though my heart weeps and my skies grey i am not depressed.

i find my peace in these words and in my weed.

yes. 

i am lonely. i sleep and wake up to an inactive phone in an empty bed.

and i know, through it all, my nomadic nature of nonstop moving will help me move away from this dark time.

everything is as it is

and i plan to let it be.

the calm.

i am faced with adversity.

and much of it.

i received a thousand dollar plus check not long ago.

900 of those dollars were supposed to go to paying off my saint leo bill.

it would have left me with roughly three hundred dollars. 

until spring.

lets not forget that i have to eat daily. drive daily. i dont work. and i hardly "shop"

this being said---300 dollars wouldnt last me much longer than three weeks.

so i didnt pay the bill. 

so i wont be able to enroll for another semester until i do.

sigh.

oh. and my landlord has decided to lend the bed i currently sleep in to her cousin.

understandable, right?

of course...it WOULD be if i had another place to go or if he didnt have anywhere else to go.

neither is the case. hes leaving his house to stay here and i have to leave my house so he can.

this means that i'll be homeless, yet again.

and in the midst of trying to get back into howard--my only options are

1.fight my way back into the university

2.air force/army

3.las vegas

only one of these is ideal. i feel my return to hu is very possible. i just cant lose hope.

but i am losing what little i had.

i feel like a maggot next to a wobbling jenga wall.

and i still wake up alone

and go to sleep alone.

the events that i do enjoy, i mostly indulge in alone and still some find fault.

but the Beatles said "let it be" so i will.

there isnt much i can do so i wont fret.

instead i'll let the shit hit the fan and watch where it lands.

i will remain calm.

progress.

i am a plethora of thoughts at the moment.

not emotions. 

"emotion is negro. logic is greek."

i've successfully detached myself from the emotional wreck that was the former me. though they still exist they remain well in check.

this being said, i read something just now that shocked me and prompted me to feel something i havent felt in some time.

ironic. "some time" when this feeling is impatience. 

i've waited for months on end for you to act. months. i've sat. idle. hoping.  and to be frank, i've hated every second. maybe its my impatient nature maybe its your inactive way of taking action. either way i'm sick of waiting. period. 

the camel's back has broken. the last straw pulled. 

i have grown used to this single life. enjoyed, even, what it has to offer. i have lived this life long enough to know what i want. and because of your inactivity, i will finally act on it.

that is my progress.

the book i have long needed to write is well underway. 

chapter three, i believe. a story at heart and the words in mind. i'm very much excited to get back to it and deliver it to you.

that is my progress.

i have grown content in myself to be comfortable in my solitude.

that is my progress.

but i have grown up enough to stop waiting for shit to happen.

that is my progress.

though a portion of my progress has come about through frustration. 

that is my regress. 

i realize that i am all and nothing.

i am something like clay. i can mold to whatever you want me to be and nothing more but if not upheld i will slump to become everything less.

what you see is what you get...but you'll only get what you're willing to see.

this came about from a conversation with an old somebody from howard. they claimed to think i only used them for sex. not true. i used them for nothing. they only came to me for sex and they got what they came for. i had to explain to them that if they had come for wisdom or advice, they would have received just that. you have not for you ask not.

im not the kind of guy to give anything without prompt.

you want a listening ear; talk.

you want a friend; befriend

you want a fuck; be fuckable

you want wisdom; give wisdom

you want a boyfriend; be a girlfriend.

its all very simple people.

just fucking keep up. i'm getting highly annoyed with having to slow down for you. seriously.

this is my progress.

dumbass.

another return.

one of the places i've been most comfortable is on stage.

in front of a crowd.

today i met with this old friend again.

it was an odd reunion. 

i did my part.

received applause. 

all that shit. 

but i wasnt comfortable.

 

and i didnt know why until i left the homeless shelter.

last time, i felt such a connection with the homeless because i thought i was soon to be one.

and now...i know im not.

but thats not important.

the important part is...im getting people saved through a ministry that i hardly practice.

i dont go to church.

i dont pray.

im a heathen. 

and i dont plan on changing.

the minister wants all the people who are in the drama thing to become members of the church and take these classes to do so.

i refuse.

thus, this might be the end of my short lived acting career. 

sigh. oh well.

in other news.

i'm HIGHLY disappointed in some of my fellow bloggers.

seems that the pastime that we shared with one another isnt important enough to keep indulging in. 

people suck.

strike 3.

these past few weeks have a reoccurring theme.

being the literal person i am, i tend to overlook the metaphors of life.

so looking back--i could slap myself for having missed it.

im going to cease struggle.

im not fighting for friendships.

im not begging for support.

i will do with my life as i see fit for me and me alone.

today has shown me that no matter how much you:

forgive

trust

love

hate

confide

need

any person, the only one who can keep your dreams alive is yourself.

for a long time i lived without a dream.

without hope. 

and recently i have found my dream. and even more recently i found a way to acquire that dream.  

of course, it was soon shot down.

but i refuse to let this dream get deferred. even if i have to live out this dream in solitude.

if friends are lost.

if family vanishes.

if all human interaction with anyone i ever cared about is lost.

i'll be just fine.

and this is something i will do for me.

those who want to be

will.

period.