mister negative.

someone once asked me why i was so negative.
later they reminded me of the reason.


this has happened twice in my life. once was last night.

everything goes wrong. always.
im not going to ga state b/c of my gpa.
so in june [a few weeks] i wont have a place to live.
i am no longer in an relationship.
and instead of cherishing the things that we loved as a couple, this person would rather set boundaries as to what is "ok".

i have, yet again, failed.
in all areas of life.

i have watched as my ex's relationship with on particular male has blossomed.
he adores her.
she claims the feeling isnt mutual.
but
they txt all day.
comment eachother's each and every status.
instant message each time they're both online.
talk on the phone often.

all the comforts and smiles she once gave me...she gives him.
but hes "just a friend."
and i simply have to "get it" that she wants me and not him regardless of her actions.
but im trying to be the friend she needs to make her happy. to give her time to figure "things" out.

i do have one advantage over him: distance.
since her return to ga, i live closer than he does...so driving to see him wont be something that happens often...hopefully.
so im jealous. fucking sue me.

but more than that...im hurt.
with each day that we're not together, the heartache settles more.
the more it settles, the more used to it i get.
she claims we'll get back together...i feel differently.

so i watch as her exes flock back to her
as this new guy clings to her
and as she draws away from me.
all i can do is watch. if i struggle it gets worse.

ironically: my pastor said something the sunday we broke up. "cease struggle."
i struggled to keep what i knew was going to happen from happening..it happened.
im struggling to find a smile. to keep a love alive. to understand "happy". im failing at all of those.

what will be will be.
watching "DejaVu" has reminded me of that. no matter how you try to change things...they will always remain the same. forching change only leads to the same outcome that youtried to avoid.

no matter what: she would have left.
no matter what: she would have him
no matter what: i wouldnt have gotten into gsu
no matter what: i'll still be alone.

there is no real victory for a hero. nor a villian.
this iis why i'm so negative.
and i havent found a person that can give me a reason not to be.

...

i'm pretty angry.
not quite infuriated...yet.

but well beyond pissed.

angrier than i previously thought.
and emotionally disconnected.
so much so that nothin i've written recently has been...even decent.

i can blame plenty of things.
but i wont.
i wont blame nothing more than my own stupidity, needy nature and inquisitiveness.

grey clouds have shown themselves.
and the sun has made its leave.
i have nothing left.
but this anger that runs me.

the plethora.

im not all the way sure what to title this post.
...its a mix of emotions. anger.sadness.confusion.blah.blah.blah.

i looked in the mirror today. and the face i saw. it was one i hadn't seen in quite some time. it was cold. frozen. stiff with anger. a faux anger used to cover the initial pain.

this relationship that i have been in is starting to not only confuse me but annoy me.
one moment she wants a break, the next she wants to leave, then shes crying, then shes mad, then its all nothing.
add that on top of the fact that we hardly ever speak anymore and you have a very tiring situation.
last night she decided she was tired of me. so this morning she initiated a "break" (what i like to call the prelude to the end). hours later she wanted me back.
this up-and-down situation and never knowing what to expect but always getting the short end of the stick has grown old.

she hangs with these guys that we both know have an infaution with her...or had relations with her..and im supposed to be ok with it all. im not supposed to ask questions. i shouldn't be concerned, even though if i dont ask a question she'll never bring up another subject and we'll be left holding a silent phone.hardly do i let my jealously of these particular lucky men even excret from my soul into my inquiries. but i spark conversation asking about her day, the minor details...and i'm at fault.

i cant win.

no matter the predicament, i always lose.
she wants a break...i lose.
she wants to stay but needs space...i lose.
she wants to stay but is still leaving for maryland in months...i lose.
she leaves...i lose.
its not fair...its never been fair.
but i've grown numb. after her theatricals last night. after the neglect from prior times. after the bashing of last week. i'm numb. i wont say that i want her to leave..i dont. still, it feels like i've been doing nothing but enduring. enduring her sporatic fits of unexplained emotion.
i've endured. so when do i get to be happy again? when will my love be recprociated? its been too long.

during my neglect someone has come along to ease the pain. a person who knows my situation, understands and only wants to help. they have. many a night when Shanika has decided to stay out or simply not call or txt for her eversomany reasons, this person has called and kept me company. their all day texting and sweet words have remined my face of my smile. i am grateful.

...then again. there have been many to keep me company in this time. i thank all my wonderful friends.

i keep hearing something. that i'm a great person/son/boyfriend. so why am i at the recieveing end of torment?
i wonder.
i had more to say...this whole post was formulated differently in my mind.

but, it still rings true. with bit of each emotion attached and pain downsized greatly.

i look to the west as the sun sets...and remember my ephiphany.

stab.

as i drove to class today, Shanika and i had a textual conversation.
she thinks this is the end. or it "maybe", rather.

it was raining, not hard. just enough to have to turn the windshield wipers on medium.
i didnt mind though. because as the clouds cried, i did too. i told myself in tenth grade i'd never cry over a female again.
but it hurts so bad. to see nearly a year's worth of sacrifice, time, money, memories, love, arguments, laughs and sweet kisses all go down the drain...really really sucks.

my heart is heavy. my body weak. my mind clouded. nothing is right. but everything is as it should be...otherwise it wouldn't be.
never have i loved so fiercely. with such passion and determination.
it hurts so bad.

but i cant cry anymore. my last tears have fallen. now i grin this painful, halfhearted, sorrowful smile.
i play with the necklace and ring of hers dangling around my neck. i grin.
i remember our first kiss. i grin.
i remember valentines day, christmas, new years, my birthday, her birthday, her sister's birthday. i grin.
i remember missing her while i was in dc. i grin
i remember asking her out so childishly. i grin.
i remember her driving from villa rica to camp creek just to take me home from work. i grin.
i remember how often i gave her my last 20 dollars for gas money. i grin.
i remember how hard it was to save for and make both her build-a-bears. i grin.
i remember how much harder it was to find and save for her purple ipod. i grin.

now the memories are just that. memories, to be written down and soon forgotten with the coming of her next love.
now missing her, simply isnt enough.
now the money is gone.
now the build-a-bears will be tossed into her pile of acquired stuffed animals from over the years.
now her ipod will not hold memories of me...only music.
and soon, it will all be over.

though it is a sad story, indeed, the silver lining MIGHT be: i can finally focus on me (oh joy. how fun that'll be)
i could go into the air force without a second thought.
i could take out a huge loan and go back to howard without feeling like im leaving somebody behind.
i could have more sex.
but
what is a career without somebody to celebrate it with.?
what is a degree in another state without somebody to come home to.?
what is sex without the passion.?

all these thoughts...
its like running a blade through my chest into the very depths of my being.
and i bleed these words.

anger, revisited

for as long as i could remember, anger has all but totally ruined my life.

but after finding love i was able to put my anger aside and think more with my head as opposed to my rage.

upon recent introspection, i found that i was a lot calmer when i was run by anger. and a few recent events have...upset me to say the least.

but im tired. God knows im tired. im tired of letting a select few people say and do whatever it is that they please about, towards and to me.

my relationship is on its last legs. i know she wants to leave. for the past so many days shes hardly even spoken to me. maybe its this needing space thing i hear people say. we have somewhat smothered eachother with txt and phone calls for the past 10 almost 11 months. BUT one would think...well, at least i think that the few states between us is space enough. but who am i to say? im the little bad boyfriend with too many questions and too many insequrities.

my "home" life. fuck it. fuck them. all.
i have planned my escape and once it is enacted. i will not be returning. i will vanish.

my quest for happiness has been postponed. re-routed rather. i had hoped my love would help me to find happiness. it seems as though she is no longer interested. thus, i will embark alone. hoping to find something to ease the bubbling infuration.

until next time. adieu.

maturity.

i have come to find something:
in life, you are not an adult until you stop blaming everyone else and start "taking responsibility" for your own actions/predicament.

i spent all my money therefore i am broke.
i ask too many questions therefore my girlfriend hates me and avoided me all night.
i am a horrible son/student/person therefore my parents want me out of their house
so on and so forth...

...talk about adding salt to an open wound.
depression settles.again.

depression comes

life has knocked me off my small donkey.
back to the ground i go..

what do i have to lose...?
more motivation.

eternal darkness looks wonderful.