searching for air.

i am tired. i am stressed. its hard to breathe.

i have much to say though, just not tonight, im afraid.

what i do want to say, though, should be much more important.

since i am no longer writing notes on facebook, i need a new public outlet. if you're any kind of friend of mine then you have enough brain to know that i mean that i will use this blog for just that. 

of course, i will be keeping some for my archives so i can publish a book of short stories as Ibi-ann and i have done for poetry.

Steven King has a noted 100 short stories. i've got just as many so i dont see why not.

thoughts?

dear God,

yo. Big G. 

what the fuck is up man? did i do something wrong? 

you tried to keep me in dc, or let the devil do so. 

you took my phone and my car.

but why?

though the solitude is wonderful, its...unwanted.

i miss a few people, actually. 

im not complaining or anything im just wondering.

i mean...i need help. just tell me why so i can do what needs to be done

am i not working hard enough on noir? am i not supposed to stay in vegas? 

just say something man. stop with all the subtweets.

oh. and thanks for this Roots album. its really what i needed.

                        listening,

                                       a disgruntled believer. 

leading from behind

ive been very down on myself lately.

i feel like a failure.

everyone is graduating this year. class of 2010.

while im hardly a sophomore. 

everyone will have their master's and steady jobs

while i'll still be trying to get my undergrad.

and today, i found, that that endeavor will be even further pushed back due to rules that i cannot bend.

but.

then i think, all the great leaders of our time didnt graduate either.

though i do need my degree to capture my goal, i can still be a leader in my generation. right?

i havent become irrelevant yet, have i? God, i hope not. 

there is an anime i watch, "Naruto."

the story of a demon infested boy dying to become greater than himself to prove himself.

he wants to become the leader of his village to prove to everyone that he isnt just a derelict.

quickly, he grows stronger than everyone, learns more powerful "justu" and then leaves the village to train even harder.

upon his return, he finds that everyone in his, so to speak, ninja-class has graduated and begun their careers as ninja when he hasnt done the same. though he fells like a failure and left behind, he reminds everyone that he, solely, can protect the village.

odd that i compare myself to this magna.

i wont be seen a failure for much longer. 

i will catch and surpass my class, i must if i plan to lead the next generation. 

i might be behind everyone else but, for some reason, i feel as though i have accomplished more than most. (but im starting to feel like im just running in circles.)

i am not satisfied here. in this position. 

i must move.

If langston did it then why cant i?

lately, my thoughts have been too potent to keep up with long enough to post. 

and, honestly, i've got nothing much to say.

nothing that either hasn't been said or that needs to be said.

im frustrated for many reasons.

but my frustrations are earthly

my virtues are of more value.

and for that, i shant complain.

one foot in the door.

mike posner created a mixtape that resonated with my soul recently. 

the "one foot out the door" mixtape.

i found myself singing/playing this song often to remind myself of the new life i walked into.

i always had one foot out the door.

once that foot met solid ground, the other followed suit and found itself in the doorway of the place i need to be: in a book.

yes, i have finally managed to have some of my works published (for a profit at that).

excited? yes. but no.

this is only a small stepping stone. my next project will have to be a solo effort.

and it has to be great.

like seriously great. ...it has to be. 

this is my road. this is my journey. i cannot fall and i cannot falter. 

i must succeed. 

i must succeed.

i must succeed.

i cant wait to see my name on the cover or hear the reactions. 

i am excited. 

but this is still only a stepping stone. i'm trying to reach my platform. my stage. my arena.

here is the link to the book.

you can order it here or wait for it to hit barns and noble. 

https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.aspx?bookid=70834

ibi-ann, thank you for this opportunity.i am beyond words with my appreciation (if you ever read this)

i've been talked down to and ignored long enough.

so just let me speak.

but you gotta walk and listen

i'm still on the move.

be somebody.

power of prophesy

i hate my job.

i really fucking do. 

i'm not complaining, at all. but thats a fact that you must keep in mind for the remainder of the post.

i work for a telecomm center. 

the current project we're working on forces us to call around the US asking people to donate money for "Master Prophet E. Bernard Jordan"

yes. thats his title. master.

at first, the script starts pretty holy-like, asking for a testimony and blazeeee.

then it goes off to ask, "can you donate one weeks salary called, 'you cant beat God's giving' which represents 'the end of slave wages and the beginning of daily bread.'"

you gotta be fucking kidding.

one weeks salary? $300? 

 

well what do you get for giving? a nice CD full of this man taking random guesses at shit and calling it prophesy. -_- 

THEN, we go on to ask if they want to have a member of the prophetic circle speak to them personally...through a virtual prophesy room...for a small donation of 3000 dollars. 

right.

and of course, there are several ways to counterattack someone who doesnt want to donate. almost to the point where it sounds like begging.

and people give. they really fucking cough up 300 dollars for this shit. 'resurrection season' or not three hundred dollars is a lot of money.

but a lot of people complain. 

"nothing he said to me has come true."

"i didnt get my package"

"you keep calling me"

and my favorite

"tell the prophet that HE should sow into MY ministry so I can help the community, unlike HIM"

most of these people have no contact to this man, at all and still they idolize him. they believe him. they give their checks to this man (same man who plans on selling these same people $13000 tables at his birthday banquet. with $300 plates.) yeah. mhum. 

i spoke with a lady today who said she saw the prophet in a dream while she was asleep under the knife. she thinks he saved her life. she cried to me and i wanted to scream, "you're being duped, lady."

i didnt.

instead, i did what i've been doing for the past two weeks, play minister.

i put on my best holy (or sexy) voice and "speak the word of the Lord."

and they listen.

people began to assume i was a prophet, and then, his son.

they began to pray for me.

one lady told me my prophesy. 

do i believe in what she said? hardly.

but i do believe that i heard what i heard for a reason.

Anyone who knows me or has kept up with me knows that me and my God's relationship has grown. though, not enough for me to believe in this character.

after 40 hours of this nonsense, i began to feel bad for taking these people's money (someone really pledged to give three thousand dollars). my conscious began to nip at my soul

BUT

then i remembered the money.

so at the end of the day money > my own soul. smh. how sad am i?

hurry

things are piling up. 

a lot faster than i was hoping too.

But i'm tarrance foster ii : son of a hustler and an intellectual. 

i'll make a way. losing is not an option and failure isn't in my dictionary.

my physical aloneness, i guess you could call it, keeps me sidetracked but no more. if there isn't green involved, money mostly, then i wont be around. how else am i to keep my pockets fat, eh?

jaden's birthday, my birthday, pop's birthday, bills, new car : i have to be ready for all these things.

i see myself in a nice shirt and tie get-up eating under the paris balloon or in the belliago, for no real reason other than because i want to. and of course, this is after i've taken myself to see the beatles show, also just because i want to. mhum.mhum. i can feel it. 

i'm going to be somebody. 

that is my anthem for life- seriously.

i'm a laser and soon, you'll see me beaming.

semicolon , closed parenthesis.