it has been some time since i've poured my soul onto this blog. i miss it. it has been my release from things that i cannot talk to my girlfriend about. i will neglect it no longer.
lately, i have been caught in a writing spell. but i can never write about myself. my stories contain my emotion, pieces of my persona but never the full me. so here i am, finally.
thought 1. my classes start soon. im not excited. between working almost 12 hours every m/w/f and then having class on t/th for five hours, and still making time for who matters most, my stress level is going to skyrocket. but its a change i must endure. my plan is to knock these classes against the wall retrieving an A in both. transfer to Georgia State then apply to Howard for next fall. yeah...thats the plan
thought 2. college students should only return home for summer and leave again. NEVER longer than two months. i am still at wits ends with my "parents". my mother has made it clear that she has chosen her husband over her son. though it may hurt, i will live. i need not their moral support or thumbs up on any of my decisions. staying at home while everyone has left is hard. its lonely. many a night i want to go to the club or maybe skating and i'm forced to go alone if at all. i need more friends. my weekend nights consist of writing depressing stories and waiting on her to get back from the club or other outings to talk her to sleep (which sometimes only takes twenty minuets).
thought 3. long distance relationships suck ass. temptations follows me like my shadow. recently i have found myself wanting to indulge in sexual pleasures but, of course, i cannot for she is not here. but temptation...she follows me. it seems that everyday i get another naked picture, another "i miss you" txt and another "i love you" txt from another girl. never have i been so faithful in not responding. never have i turned down so much sex. never have i wanted it so bad. i am a sex addict, in rehab. my love for this woman is strong. my will is strong and i will not fail in my relationship. everyday i have to go without kisses and physical attention. physically, i feel single but mentally i know i'm almost engaged. its so frustrating and i hate it. i hate even more that while she is out other men fell the urge to try and spit game at her. mainly those who she used to deal with. they seem to think that our love is either nonexistent or false and that they can touch her like they may have once before. some try to talk her out of her commitment just so they can fuck. though i deal with some of the same issues, it irritates me more when it happens to her. i believe that i have become the jealous type. im jealous that they can see her...and i cant.
thought 4. our relationship has grown, though. the daily arguments simply got old and tiring. i honestly felt the end nearing. i'm not sure when the change occurred but i know it was within the last two weeks. i know i have grown. her past (being engaged and cheating on her boyfirend/to-be-husband multiple times) often made me question her actions. it was the reason i needed to always be txting her or talking to her. i wanted to know where, when and with who all the time. now, though i still care, i dont have to know. she was recently in the same room with one of the guys she used to "do" on a regular basis and it hardly phased me. maybe it was because there were more than just the two of them in the room or maybe my trust has truly grown. i'm not as worried about her going to the club and dancing on other guys. im not concerned if they text her phone asking for her time. because now i know where her heart is. i may sound naive and foolish but a relationship must revolve around trust and with this new found trust, i believe that we will continue to grow. its too late for me not to get my hopes up. either i'm headed for the worst heartbreak in my history of heartbreaks or im headed to a bright and happy future.
thought 5. T.I.'s new album "Paper Trail" is great, surprisingly.
thought 6. i have almost completely let go of my ninja turtle fetish. but i keep hearing of people trying to pick up where i left off, it tempts me to make an appearance in all of my tmnt apparel and show these rookies the business.
thought 7. i need sex and intoxicating drinks.
thought 8. i'd like to go to a party soon.
thought 9. i wonder why i still write when i KNOW nobody still reads this.
thought 10. there is no thought ten...fuck it
