wake up

i am standing alone, outside as the sun begins it's ascent.

the sky is still damp and dark. the air is murky. it is the most unpleasant time to be awake.
nothing good comes forth during this hour. ghosts haunt, people begin to wake up for work, the "heat of the moment" dies down and one sobers up.

but i've stood outside for such a long time. waiting. just waiting.
the hours lost no longer mean anything to me. failures and D minuses are trashed and burned.

Batman knew that both darkness and light can only last but for so long. that is why he had two identities. but even he had troubles keeping the two separate.
one must experience both and watch the light grow into dim depression.

and now, the sun must finally rise.
as its rays pierce the sky, warning the night to make way, still i stand.
waiting. watching.

black turns to purple. purple to orange. and, soon, orange to blue.

i've stood still, complacent, confused, depressed, furious and needy in this darkness for so long.
it is time to let such feelings pass like the night.

the sun is rising.

i hear my inner self asking, "what time is it?"

i let the question sit for a moment, knowing time is running short.
with closed eyes, i sigh one last time. the road ahead is no longer the easy one i've grown accustomed to walking. but now it is illuminated with the light unknown, yet, to mankind for my will and determination and desperation have been lit.

again, inner-self ask, "what time is it?" this time, they sound more distant. less close.
the journey has already begun when i reply without the usual cocky smile, or enlightened wisdom, with nothing more than simple focus,
"its time to go."

life narrative.

its been some time since the introspective question, "who am i?" crossed my mind.
but we're past that now. i know who i am.

the real question is, "how does who i am trump the challenges i go through?"
more simply put: how do i get ahead?

honestly, i regret all 22 years of my life. every last one. without exempt or exception.
and they, whoever "they" are, say that you haven't lived a full life until you have a few regrets.

but i have a full life of regrets (maybe thats why i always feel so old..)
i've made all the wrong decisions. i've loved all the wrong people. said the wrong things. so on and so forth.

the only thing worth while that i've managed to do was learn. 22 years worth of hardcore trial and error learning. thus, wisdom. or something of such nature.

i look at the mirror and i see the past.
i see past me in his roughest state. hair uncut, wispy whiskers, tired eyes.
and in the same frame, i see the me trying to get past the past me.

its a silent struggle.

i look here at these words now and see that i can no longer make the same mistakes.
i cant keep telling the same stories. i'm not tyler perry.
i am tarrance foster. thats who i am.
what does that mean? well, what does that matter?
i am who i am. and i must use what little i know to outsmart myself.

things won't happen in my favor if i don't hold the gun to the dealer's head.

so here i am. sitting in silence on my day off. wondering.

standing isn't the problem. its moving thats hard.

if anybody reads this.
hell, if anybody understands,

watch out.

signed,
a new man.
(but whats that matter?)