it was something our young blogger had grown used to doing: waking up and not finding any motivation to move.
so he didnt. he rolled around in his new room all day.
instantly, he knew what this was. and he knew he couldn't fight it.
he searched his phone desperately for a savior..but they had all gone on with their lives.
lives to be lived without him. lives where his value would slowly dwindle.
he was at the mercy of his depression.
and he had to face it; alone.
he became so desperate that he grabbed something he hadnt touched in over a year: a tv remote.
old cartoons entertained him. x-men. 2 stupid dogs. swat kats. static shock. avatar.
for hours he numbed himself by means of this idiot box.
it was 9.37 at night and the bottoms of Tarrance's feet hadnt even touched the ground so he decided to change that.
the sun had risen and fallen by now and everything was dark. yet, he managed to stumble into the kitchen to salvage week old chinese food. after nearly gagging to death, he tossed the food and returned to his bed making a pitstop in the bathroom.
he looked into the mirror. he saw a face he recognized.
stale. cold. angry. numb. sad.
he knew why his face betrayed these emotions. before, he couldnt tell.
but now he knew and he planned to do something about it. hiding his emotions had already become second nature, he realized after seeing Shanika for the last time and not shedding a tear.
he had changed. but it was necessary to live the life he has.
he wondered if anyone would understand. if anyone would see beyond their own selfishness to care. if he could see beyond his own selfishness to change back.
the recovering failure dressed himself.
true religion jeans. v-neck shirt. nike blazers. shades.
he drove around the corner to the club "figure 8".
a place he despised but almost gravitated to. there was no line...he walked right in.
it was packed. hot. musty. coon music. he grimaced to himself.
he saw bitches bent over. picked up. screaming. laughing. drinking. smoking.
he saw niggas bending bitches over. standing behind them. enjoying themselves.
nothing interested him. not even the music. standing with folded arms amidst a swarming crowd, he attracted more than the attention he wanted.
bitches bent over in front of him. thongs showing. tits out. he wasn't impressed.
"oh, you gay huh?" one ass showing female asked him.
"no. i just dont think i'd like to dance with you." he responded calmly.
"huh. speak up nigga its loud in here."
he laughed at her. she was a decent looking female. nice body pratically naked. cleavage. thigh. stomach. she bagan to jump to the song playing in the background. her tits tried to keep up.
"and she wants to be respected. every male in this club only want to put his dick on her and touch her, but she wants respect. respect this hoe, tarrance. respect her." he looked at her face and not her body. "foolish. i bet she think shes sexy. you dont have to be naked to be sexy dumbass. cover yourself up. leave some mystery. what the hell am i gonna buy a whopper for if i can have half of it now.? you're not sexy broad. sit down." he shook his head at her while thinking these thoughts.
"what chu shakin yo head for.? you dont like this song.?"
"no. i dont."
"fuck wrong with you.? how you not like gucci and oj.?"
"easy."
"ugh. goodbye."
"i never said hello."
she walked off. her ass followed.
"this is why i hate the club," he reminded himself. he left.
driving. he reminded himself of the past two weeks. why he was angry with people. why he hated them. and he didnt have the energy to hate them or forgive them. he was indifferent about everything.
"will it work.? why did she...? the fuck was she thinking...? why would he? i wonder...? i didnt mean to...but. what if...how could..."
but every question he could ask himself ended with the same answer: "does it matter now.? does my anger, or sorrow, or regret, or anguish.? fuck it."
he realized he wasnt over things he claimed he was.
he realized he was still very angry.
he realized he was hurt.
he realized he was jealous.
he realized he was sad.
but he didnt care.
and his depression session began to end.
