t minus 5

yes friends.
only five days left before i will be dropped from this nest prematurely.
i haven't yet learned to fly...but i can coast along the winds.

ironically. the air force will teach me to flap my wings.
[enter heavy sigh here]

my life has become everything i didnt want it to.
...seriously.
now that i've sulked. and moped. and cried. and regretted.

i can finally move on. and i will.

shanika and i are still working on getting things together.
but...we had a talk today. and i was forced to speak on my fear of losing her.
though i dont want her as only a friend. i know thats what i might become.
another ex who is just a friend.

but. knowing that im not the only one scared.
knowing that she still has plans for us.
that she still considers us together[ish].

[[of course i'd still like to get rid of this chris character. but hes her "friend" so i'll leave him be.]]

i have a place to live for the time being.
im a tad worried about what'll happen after i enlist...
hopefully something even more fulfilling will come along first. but if not...
lets just hope that i'm not sent to the middle east.

all in all.
for the moment.
i'm optomistic.

im ok. for now.

clogged.

my words are in a knot.
my brain is constipated.

hence the lack of posts.
i've been going through quite a bit.

with one week left under the roof of my mother/step.father
with 2 weeks of being single after nearly a year of being "married"
with no one to turn to.
with no tears to cry.
with no place to run.
with nothing...at all.

all i can do is let the world turn
and realize:
by shanika,
cynthia
and god...
i have been forsaken.