im not all the way sure what to title this post.
...its a mix of emotions. anger.sadness.confusion.blah.blah.blah.
i looked in the mirror today. and the face i saw. it was one i hadn't seen in quite some time. it was cold. frozen. stiff with anger. a faux anger used to cover the initial pain.
this relationship that i have been in is starting to not only confuse me but annoy me.
one moment she wants a break, the next she wants to leave, then shes crying, then shes mad, then its all nothing.
add that on top of the fact that we hardly ever speak anymore and you have a very tiring situation.
last night she decided she was tired of me. so this morning she initiated a "break" (what i like to call the prelude to the end). hours later she wanted me back.
this up-and-down situation and never knowing what to expect but always getting the short end of the stick has grown old.
she hangs with these guys that we both know have an infaution with her...or had relations with her..and im supposed to be ok with it all. im not supposed to ask questions. i shouldn't be concerned, even though if i dont ask a question she'll never bring up another subject and we'll be left holding a silent phone.hardly do i let my jealously of these particular lucky men even excret from my soul into my inquiries. but i spark conversation asking about her day, the minor details...and i'm at fault.
i cant win.
no matter the predicament, i always lose.
she wants a break...i lose.
she wants to stay but needs space...i lose.
she wants to stay but is still leaving for maryland in months...i lose.
she leaves...i lose.
its not fair...its never been fair.
but i've grown numb. after her theatricals last night. after the neglect from prior times. after the bashing of last week. i'm numb. i wont say that i want her to leave..i dont. still, it feels like i've been doing nothing but enduring. enduring her sporatic fits of unexplained emotion.
i've endured. so when do i get to be happy again? when will my love be recprociated? its been too long.
during my neglect someone has come along to ease the pain. a person who knows my situation, understands and only wants to help. they have. many a night when Shanika has decided to stay out or simply not call or txt for her eversomany reasons, this person has called and kept me company. their all day texting and sweet words have remined my face of my smile. i am grateful.
...then again. there have been many to keep me company in this time. i thank all my wonderful friends.
i keep hearing something. that i'm a great person/son/boyfriend. so why am i at the recieveing end of torment?
i wonder.
i had more to say...this whole post was formulated differently in my mind.
but, it still rings true. with bit of each emotion attached and pain downsized greatly.
i look to the west as the sun sets...and remember my ephiphany.
