change.

i'm still not sure how i should catergorize this phenonom.
i hate it
i need it.
i want it..

but it only comes in the areas where i dont need it to be.

this place.
it hasnt changed.
at all...except for the addition of an "ingles".
i heard stories of my old friends.
all either expecting, with child or married.
none of them left.

girls i used to date
are married.
girls that used to crush on me
are fat.

it was surreal.
i've been gone so long.
changed so much.
evolved.
and this place hasn't been touched by time.

i laughed my shock
and disappointment off.
my heart sank.

something that change should have raped.
was left unmolested.

but something that was once considered "pure" and "everlasting"
has changed. drastically.
though it is said to still be the same.

this is called a lie.
a false reality.
a parallel world.

for change has defaced something that was beautiful.
tokyo. paris.
lights gone. tower destroyed.
change. change. change.
clearly has bad aim.
and a worse choice in judgment.

the change.
the one who once lived in this once beautiful land.
moved. found something new.

and what am i to do?
like Robert Nevelle in "I Am Legend"
i stay.
and endure.
and fight my demons.
alone.

change.
actually. that previous statement is regression. return to something that i thought i had escaped.
right.

change.
fuckin thanks obama.

the circle.

initially, i had planned on doing something new.
i was gonna post some celebrity gossip. and pictures of all the failing relationships in the media.

i got bored with the idea...quickly.

instead. i'll tell you about my night.
i went around the corner to see an old friend.

a friend who also thought he had escaped this hell.
this black hole that not many have escaped.

i left for six years. only to fall back here on my ass.
he was gone for five. had his own apartment. but one of the inhabitants of this hell found him and forced him back, being the cause of his eviction.

so here we both are.
in front of his house.

me with black in hand: indulging in cancer
him vividly acting out the fights hes been in.

the sky was dark but often flashed a bright white
a sign? or an omen?

i left this place knowing there was no reason for me to return.
yet...here i am.
three dollars to my name.
half a tank of gas.
no job.
no family.

i often wondered throughout the night if i am doomed to stay here.
if i'll be stuck in one of these bland houses
or worse
a mobile home

working a back breaking job
or two.

i wondered if this is where i'm destined to be.
destiny.

i laugh at the term.
fuck that.
the circle has been complete.
i have returned to that which i've come.
my demons have seen me one last time.

but i will not stay.
i refuse.
i've always hated shapes.
circles and squares more specifically.

how about we stick with a straight line
where i can continue to progress forward...

fuck a circle.
fuck this place.
fuck it all.

i feel like Houdini.
and a dash of fifty cent.

my life depends on my escape from this death trap.
so escape or die trying.

bitch.

these past 13 months, you have given me more than i could have ever asked for, Shanika.

for this, i thank you.

and
i must apologize.

so thank you. and im sorry.


i had so much more to say..but the words escape me in fear of rejection.