in the wind.

...i didnt let her go.

i let her live.

yeah.

i tell myself that to save face.

i love her enough to...force her away i guess.

letting her live. hopefully she'll come back.

but...when have any of my hopes/wishes come true?

right.

life is great. thanks god.

i'll always remember....

discouraged.

i realize.
people tell you what they want you to hear.
they never want you to have the truth. not the whole truth.
not the pain.

truth is:
truth is pain.

i'm not pointing the finger...i'm victim of this too.
and still...i wont get used to it.

example:
she went on a date with the dude who clearly loves her. something you just dont do when you're working on a relationship...but of course whe went..and almost tried to hide it. then wouldnt tell me how it went.

the secrets build..as does my irritation.

i've spent the last three nights at her house..but does she speak to me..?
of course not. she txt chris and lorenzo.
right...cause they're tryn to get at her...and she clearly likes it.

so what do i do?

quit.

i'm at a weird stage in life.
a clown's juggling act comes to mind.
im juggling being a decent and bearable person to a new family. trying to get the love of my life back with me. and not totally shutting out my old family.
those are the three...balls so to speak.
as i toss all three in the air at once...i find myself in a sticky situation.

how to catch them all..and keep them in rotation.
if i let one fall...it'll explode leaving me scared for life.

i had a pretty horrible night. i wont go into detail.
no matter how you try to dress it...rejection hurts.
even if you choose not to call it rejection.

but in this day..i've learned a few things.

1. forgive..or become what you grow to hate.
2. when you change for people, they'll always want you to change back.
3. those who want to be there; will.
4. i freestyle way better when im angry.

so. even tho im totally miserable. even tho my life sucks

but no longer will i burden others with my woe is me party.
i'll keep it for this blog and notes maybe.

though the road is dark now...
streetlights guide me.
and i know i will reach my destination.

even if i must do so alone.

void.

i owe you an update.
much has transpired. but i haven't the words just yet.
nor the strength.

i find that i have motivated some to start blogs.
i love that i can share something so intimate with those close to me.
it makes me smile that others can vent in such a way that has helped me through so many years.

hum.
i'd like to say that the sun i rising...but i fear that as soon as i let the thought escape my day will end.

i havent fully unpacked.
so my room is cluttered. and i cant relax. yet alone focus.
but im alive. and somewhat well. in a place i never wanted to see again.
sacrifices must be made.
hopefully...i will finally meet success and can bid failure adieu.