the ultimatum.

i haven't the correct song for the moment.
well...i did but it wont give me the full song.
"hope she'll be happier" bill withers.

so i question myself:
can i make her happy.? can i bring a smile again.?
i thought: yes. and i will.

that was at 5am. i had broken through my insecurities and was ready to do something.
and when i told this to her she did what i should have expected:
shot me down.
i'm actually too [insert word here] to repeat what she said.

but basically, after her verbal lashing, if i decided to give up on my plan to make her smile again she'd leave for good.

lets ponder on that for a second.
tarrance has plan
tarrance gets excited
tarrance shares excitement with shanika
shanika shoots tarrance down
shanika doubts tarrance
shanika stomps on tarrance
shanika demands tarrance to carry out his plan.
makes sense right.?

fucking wrong.
so i left her house. went to walmart for an oil change.
i just needed air. space.
then i needed to pack for myrtle beach...

side note: i'm not excited for this trip anymore. its a lost cause. i skipped out on a Kid Cudi concert with a wonderful friend to indulge in the long awaited trip. but now...i already know how its gonna go. Kolen and his girl are gonna be booed up. Shanika and her phone are gonna be doing the same. Tarrance will indulge in the moonlit beach alone.
oh joy. wtf.
end side note.

sigh.
i'm not even angry anymore. it hurts. it sucks. but im not mad. nor sad.
disappointed. yeah.
but i knew it would be something. its always something. either its her or i'm simply being overlooked due to the romantic/sexual passes of the members of her phone book.
right.


8pages.
eight pages of pictures on facebook of us together.
and this is what its come to.

an ultimatum.

fuck you.

the more i get my hopes up.
the more i get let down.
"the wisest men know better than to have high hopes."

i always factor in worse case probability. i always include it. think about it. dwell on it.
and still i find the gall to hope. or i reduce myself to an ignorance beneath myself.

ignorance. thats all hope is.
the shear desire for something highly unlikely to happen though it is almost certain the the opposite will.
the same goes for faith. ignorance at its most bliss

i am disappointed.
i was high with hope. and that particular bad drug has given me the worst headache.
i musnt indulge any longer.
i musnt reduce myself to the low life of an hope addict.
i simply musnt.

so to hope.
to those who believe in hope.
to those who shatter mine time after time.
to those who give me false hope.
to those i once had faith in.

fuck you.

the doors.

the sun has just begun to peek over the Gary, Indiana apartment buildings.

my breath still taste like weed. and my ability to read haunts me.



recently, things have been looking up. going the direction i wanted, for once.

but two days ago that door slammed in my face. surprise, right.? (of course not.)



(the text messages start. one from a girl who claims to think she loves me though she has a boyfriend that shes quite happy with. and the other from a female who i would date if we weren't both carrying so much baggage.)
so as my daily texters make their entrances into my day i inspect each one.

one has a boyfriend so what progression is to be made.? "friend" is fine. i dont want anything more.

another is slightly bipolar. one wrong txt sends her off the deep end. i dont have the patience.

a third is a stripper. enough said.

this one has just as many emotional ties to their ex as i do. i could be wrong, but that doesnt seem like a good combo.

lastly, my least avid txter seems to only be interested when its convinent for her and otherwised interested in many of other fellas. of course, i only come to this conclusion from what my cursed eyes have told me.

so. as i close a few doors. or leave some cracked. or have them closed on me, i reacall my sister saying something.
"dont deal with none of them bitches. take time for you."
interesting. no women.? that means no dates...no sex...no late night convos.
(sounds something like the last half of my previous relationship.)

so this is what i've decided: i will let my emotions remain stale. those who will be interested will stay. some will leave. i've already placed my bets on who will do what and its not looking good. in the end...only my first two loves remain...music and writing.

the sun peeks its way inside for its last glance past these doors..