!!!

...closed minded people irritate me.
simply put. is it really that hard to accept someone of different religious background, sexual orientation, ethnicity or neighborhood?

honestly people, all of our shit stinks.
we all shit sitting down, we all put our pants one one leg at a time and we're all doomed to meet our maker one day.


just a thought.

reparations

as long as i could remember, i've never thought twice about giving somebody money.
guy rolls up saying hes on E and needs two dollars to get home, sure.
homeless guy asks for any help at all, here.
friends need a few dollars or a meal, why not.

my girlfriend says im too nice. but i like to think either i'll get it all back or that i've influenced that person to do something for the greater good.

i've hardly believed in the old church saying that if you "give and it shall be given unto you...good measure, pressed down, shaken together and runneth over."
hell, i dont even know what the last part of that even means. [multiplied i guess].
nor have i really believed in karma, good or bad.
i always just figured that you do things out of the goodness or evil from your heart. maybe i got some good down there somewhere.

point is: i been waiting on a check for about two months. it was only supposed to be 2 maybe 3 hundred dollars. and another one at the end of this month for maybe 9 hundred.
well today, i got a check. but not for either of the amounts i was expecting.

lets do some math. it i was expecting eh, 300. and at the end of this month 900. 3+9=12. so by now i should of had 12oo dollars, right?
so how...why did i get one that was double that?!

karma?
God and His shaking together stuff?
i'm not sure. i'm curious but not willing to ask any questions.
its already in my bank waiting to be spent...and saved. i figure i can keep at least 1ooo for this summer and other stuff. maybe 15oo if i'm feeling really good.

now, i can go get my tattoos and skates...and shoes...and clothes. =)!

oh happy day!

...and i wonder

if it will all end soon. one can only hope.
i seem to use that word a lot lately. sign of change? or desperation.

i've been off since friday. thats 6days, so far. and who knows when i'll get to go back into work.
besides check facebook, download mixtapes, blog, write [sorta], watch anime...i've done nothing but sleep.
[sidebar: well, besides go to class too. and today i had an interview for a new job...but we know how that shit goes.]

i think i know why i've been in the bed so much. but i refuse to admit it. i refuse to be back in the rut i always find myself in. depression: i'm only 19 and i know more about that word than i know about happiness. whoever said teenage years are the most fun, lied. i BEEN ready for these years to end.


then again, i been ready for a lot to end lately...

"i'm going on"

because i'm tired of waiting. for as long as i could remember, this is all i have done. its all im doing.
waiting to go back to work. waiting for a check to come. waiting to finish school. waiting to get evicted. waiting for her return. [sidebar: the song which shares the same name as this entry just came on...omen?]

"i'm going on/ and i'm prepared to go it alone."

i am. i have to. this static way of life has grown old. irritating even. i'm tired. i want to quit.
death beckons, but i ignore her. i continue to live with little reason. i have to move. i have to move on.

hopefully, things will work out. hopefully, everything will be fine.
but i was never one to hope. i don't believe in much anymore. only a fool would allow himself to get his hopes high.

i am no fool.

"i'm going on/ and i promise i'll be waiting for you."

!!

i LOVE this video.
Kanye has truly captured my fanship with this last album and its videos. [[do not adjust your screen]]

new thought.

cliche as it may be:
as i leave this era of total darkness. one might say that i've come "to the end of the tunnel."
you know, where the light is.
but if the light is a train, my ultimate demise.
or if the light is only a figment of my imagination.
how much longer can i travel? how much further can i walk?
how much more can my already defeated soul take before i completely give up and write books from under the overpass?

hope. i have some.
optimistic. i am not
i can only hope.

ah yes.

it feels great to, once again, spill my soul onto this neglected site.
oh how i have missed thee.
much has occurred. much has remained the same.

but all in all things are...well...things are. they simply are. i am not yet happy (since i have, finally, begun my search for such an intangible possession) but i'm not as miserable as i once was. complacent. i believe thats the word.

things in the family have gotten worse: my stepfather and i do not speak, even if in the same room or at the same table. childish as it may seem, it is the way of two stubborn men both of which cannot seem to respect the other. my mother and i are up and down. my sister and myself get along quite nicely most of the time. life here is hardly bearable but i must endure. in june, they are planning to kick me out (regardless of the fact that im in school AND working). hopefully i can get into a summer school program on a campus. West GA? smh. (whats funny is that i KNOW they're gonna want to call me and talk to me for my birthday in july, the very next month. they will get the same response tarrance, sr gets: none. but being in West ga will allow me to be THAT much closer to Shanika...

speaking of...she gave me the absolute best valentine's gift i could have asked for: her. being that she schools in mississippi and is there more than she is home it was quite the pleasant surprise to wake up from a slightly irritated sleep to see her unexpected face. she tricked me into believing that she was still in Mississippi when she was really on her way home. made cupcakes and everything. we spent the weekend together. walmart.mall.out to eat. after so many arguments and being on the verge of breaking up it was exactly what we needed to put us back where we want/need to be. previously, i hated all holidays. now, thanks to her, i can no longer say such a thing.

today, i heard Dr.Cornell West give a lecture. he is quite the eccentric man. his views are very well noteworthy, though i took none. [typical]. but more so than his wondrous words of wisdom, he gave me something that i needed. something i did not expect. something, im sure, he didn't mean to give. something that i don't understand. he gave me confidence. i, finally, have a plan. a goal. something worth working towards and in some odd and unknown way Cornell West made me believe that it truly is worth perusing. [i really wish i could remember some if his words, i'm sure they'll come to me later] it was truly a great experience. i was honored enough to shake his hand and exchange dialogue. thus, i believe i will thank him once my book gets published.

speaking of that book...i trashed it. yea...i know. i have a lot of friends begging and rushing me to produce one. seriously, not in a "ha ha, yea this is good," kind of way. in a "no, seriously, write a fucking book," kind of way. so my previous work which only made it to chapter five has been deleted. fret not, i have a new idea and have begun putting it together. i will begin writing by march. and i think an autobiography might be nice. from my graduation, to my year at howard, until now with the underlying fact that i have been nothing more than a failure the majority of those times being the pushing force. it should evoke plenty of emotion, if done correctly.

well...until next time my loyal readers. let us hope next time will not take two months.