i've gone insane.
i dont know what more to say than that.
each day things get worse.
more vivid.
more real.
more painful, at times.
theres no stopping it.
i feel as though God is giving me the mindset of one of my characters from my book.
but i've gone numb.
searching for something more.
something fulfilling.
something...else.
the mind set of another character.
all the while...i'm totally content.
i dont need anything more than what i have.
and that is nothing.
but i'm content in finding the beauty of depravity.
the mindset of the final character.
all leading back to the fact that i've gone insane.
i have nothing. but i have it all.
"enjoy the chaos."
Monday, November 30, 2009
shattered.
its amazing how things fall apart.
random thought.
i told my mother of my plans to depart. she was oddly at peace with it. i was expecting her to be more hysterical.
good.
same with her husband. they were both pretty cool with the thought. maybe its because i caused so much turmoil in the past.
told shanika.
she didnt take it as well. and to see her so bent out of shape about it was...refreshing.
felt like she cared.
but shes an actress, as she often reminds me.
she was only home for a few days. she only managed to see me once (and for an hour the night before). but she made time for sheldon and his possee. of course, drinks were involved [as if i didnt have any to give]. i'm convinced that shes more interested in the possibilities of others than the possibility of a reality with me.
yea.
then, of course, me being who i am, i found out that she just ignores most of what i say because we "been done." and shes got a new "boo" on the rise. hum.
am i upset.? nah. i expect this from her. thus, i'll bring what she said to reality. "we're done."
period.
shatter.
someone broke into my truck last night.
stole a suitcase and a shoebox. both of which were full of things shanika gave me.
i was quite upset about it earlier. -now- eh.
after living a good month on a non-induced high, i'm finally coming down. i hate it but i've found the key to my happiness. and i will use that key to unlock the closet used to store my smiles.
i dont mean to sound cliche or immature but fuck everything else.
this time will be spent writing my book.
my life is still in shambles.
shattered.
but i'm calmly picking up the many pieces and getting ready to weld them back together.
random thought.
i told my mother of my plans to depart. she was oddly at peace with it. i was expecting her to be more hysterical.
good.
same with her husband. they were both pretty cool with the thought. maybe its because i caused so much turmoil in the past.
told shanika.
she didnt take it as well. and to see her so bent out of shape about it was...refreshing.
felt like she cared.
but shes an actress, as she often reminds me.
she was only home for a few days. she only managed to see me once (and for an hour the night before). but she made time for sheldon and his possee. of course, drinks were involved [as if i didnt have any to give]. i'm convinced that shes more interested in the possibilities of others than the possibility of a reality with me.
yea.
then, of course, me being who i am, i found out that she just ignores most of what i say because we "been done." and shes got a new "boo" on the rise. hum.
am i upset.? nah. i expect this from her. thus, i'll bring what she said to reality. "we're done."
period.
shatter.
someone broke into my truck last night.
stole a suitcase and a shoebox. both of which were full of things shanika gave me.
i was quite upset about it earlier. -now- eh.
after living a good month on a non-induced high, i'm finally coming down. i hate it but i've found the key to my happiness. and i will use that key to unlock the closet used to store my smiles.
i dont mean to sound cliche or immature but fuck everything else.
this time will be spent writing my book.
my life is still in shambles.
shattered.
but i'm calmly picking up the many pieces and getting ready to weld them back together.
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