stab.

as i drove to class today, Shanika and i had a textual conversation.
she thinks this is the end. or it "maybe", rather.

it was raining, not hard. just enough to have to turn the windshield wipers on medium.
i didnt mind though. because as the clouds cried, i did too. i told myself in tenth grade i'd never cry over a female again.
but it hurts so bad. to see nearly a year's worth of sacrifice, time, money, memories, love, arguments, laughs and sweet kisses all go down the drain...really really sucks.

my heart is heavy. my body weak. my mind clouded. nothing is right. but everything is as it should be...otherwise it wouldn't be.
never have i loved so fiercely. with such passion and determination.
it hurts so bad.

but i cant cry anymore. my last tears have fallen. now i grin this painful, halfhearted, sorrowful smile.
i play with the necklace and ring of hers dangling around my neck. i grin.
i remember our first kiss. i grin.
i remember valentines day, christmas, new years, my birthday, her birthday, her sister's birthday. i grin.
i remember missing her while i was in dc. i grin
i remember asking her out so childishly. i grin.
i remember her driving from villa rica to camp creek just to take me home from work. i grin.
i remember how often i gave her my last 20 dollars for gas money. i grin.
i remember how hard it was to save for and make both her build-a-bears. i grin.
i remember how much harder it was to find and save for her purple ipod. i grin.

now the memories are just that. memories, to be written down and soon forgotten with the coming of her next love.
now missing her, simply isnt enough.
now the money is gone.
now the build-a-bears will be tossed into her pile of acquired stuffed animals from over the years.
now her ipod will not hold memories of me...only music.
and soon, it will all be over.

though it is a sad story, indeed, the silver lining MIGHT be: i can finally focus on me (oh joy. how fun that'll be)
i could go into the air force without a second thought.
i could take out a huge loan and go back to howard without feeling like im leaving somebody behind.
i could have more sex.
but
what is a career without somebody to celebrate it with.?
what is a degree in another state without somebody to come home to.?
what is sex without the passion.?

all these thoughts...
its like running a blade through my chest into the very depths of my being.
and i bleed these words.

anger, revisited

for as long as i could remember, anger has all but totally ruined my life.

but after finding love i was able to put my anger aside and think more with my head as opposed to my rage.

upon recent introspection, i found that i was a lot calmer when i was run by anger. and a few recent events have...upset me to say the least.

but im tired. God knows im tired. im tired of letting a select few people say and do whatever it is that they please about, towards and to me.

my relationship is on its last legs. i know she wants to leave. for the past so many days shes hardly even spoken to me. maybe its this needing space thing i hear people say. we have somewhat smothered eachother with txt and phone calls for the past 10 almost 11 months. BUT one would think...well, at least i think that the few states between us is space enough. but who am i to say? im the little bad boyfriend with too many questions and too many insequrities.

my "home" life. fuck it. fuck them. all.
i have planned my escape and once it is enacted. i will not be returning. i will vanish.

my quest for happiness has been postponed. re-routed rather. i had hoped my love would help me to find happiness. it seems as though she is no longer interested. thus, i will embark alone. hoping to find something to ease the bubbling infuration.

until next time. adieu.

maturity.

i have come to find something:
in life, you are not an adult until you stop blaming everyone else and start "taking responsibility" for your own actions/predicament.

i spent all my money therefore i am broke.
i ask too many questions therefore my girlfriend hates me and avoided me all night.
i am a horrible son/student/person therefore my parents want me out of their house
so on and so forth...

...talk about adding salt to an open wound.
depression settles.again.

depression comes

life has knocked me off my small donkey.
back to the ground i go..

what do i have to lose...?
more motivation.

eternal darkness looks wonderful.

because nothing gold can stay.

i feel some kind of way.
deff not happy.
kinda not sad.
indifferent? but i care.
idk...emotions are stupid and should be ignored. yet, im run almost solely off these things.

i had the play today. did ok i guess. i felt better in practice. not sure why.
we performed for the homeless. got a lot of em saved. it felt really good to be a part of something so pivotal in someone's life. possibly the best thing i've ever given a homeless person.
the sad thing is...when i looked into the faces of the audience...all i could see was myself. with every glance, i saw a future me.. a failure. a struggling nameless nobody, too down and out to pick myself up and fix my life.
maybe its a good thing i could relate to my crowd...but i hated it.
bittersweet experience.

and of course, the girlfriend set everything off.
but because i don't want to bore you with my emotional and illogical babble, i'll keep it short:
i think she wants to be single again.
also, i think, she thinks she is.

im not sure because shes not returning my text...

so it seems grey turns back into black.