someone once asked me why i was so negative.
later they reminded me of the reason.
this has happened twice in my life. once was last night.
everything goes wrong. always.
im not going to ga state b/c of my gpa.
so in june [a few weeks] i wont have a place to live.
i am no longer in an relationship.
and instead of cherishing the things that we loved as a couple, this person would rather set boundaries as to what is "ok".
i have, yet again, failed.
in all areas of life.
i have watched as my ex's relationship with on particular male has blossomed.
he adores her.
she claims the feeling isnt mutual.
but
they txt all day.
comment eachother's each and every status.
instant message each time they're both online.
talk on the phone often.
all the comforts and smiles she once gave me...she gives him.
but hes "just a friend."
and i simply have to "get it" that she wants me and not him regardless of her actions.
but im trying to be the friend she needs to make her happy. to give her time to figure "things" out.
i do have one advantage over him: distance.
since her return to ga, i live closer than he does...so driving to see him wont be something that happens often...hopefully.
so im jealous. fucking sue me.
but more than that...im hurt.
with each day that we're not together, the heartache settles more.
the more it settles, the more used to it i get.
she claims we'll get back together...i feel differently.
so i watch as her exes flock back to her
as this new guy clings to her
and as she draws away from me.
all i can do is watch. if i struggle it gets worse.
ironically: my pastor said something the sunday we broke up. "cease struggle."
i struggled to keep what i knew was going to happen from happening..it happened.
im struggling to find a smile. to keep a love alive. to understand "happy". im failing at all of those.
what will be will be.
watching "DejaVu" has reminded me of that. no matter how you try to change things...they will always remain the same. forching change only leads to the same outcome that youtried to avoid.
no matter what: she would have left.
no matter what: she would have him
no matter what: i wouldnt have gotten into gsu
no matter what: i'll still be alone.
there is no real victory for a hero. nor a villian.
this iis why i'm so negative.
and i havent found a person that can give me a reason not to be.
