yes i did just write an entry, but my mind cannot stop. i'm lost in a sea of emotions trying to stay afloat on this raft of words. i feel it slowly sinking.
nothing in this world of mine is going in the right direction. i see failure quickly approaching. i am destined to live the life of a bum under the overpass. what do i want out of life? i want to write. i want people to enjoy my poetry as they do on facebook and myspace. but poetry isnt "in the market now", as i was told by a publisher rep. "everyone thinks they can write poetry," and they are fucking my dream up. he suggested i write a series, so i tried a little experiment. on facebook, i wrote a little trapped in the closet/zane/ignorant nigga story. and as i expected, the niggas ate it up and begged for more. i gave. the series is a three part set, and still they beg for a fourth and fifth and sixth. in my favorite book 'ERAsure' (thank you Z-co), the main character hides behind an alias in order to write a book that will satisfy the leeching critics and public, a book that is completely different from his norm. i took a walk in his shoes with this series. my poems are usually dark and somewhat suicidal where as this series (entitled "Oh God" (his book was called "FUCK")) was just a bunch of coonery: sex, guns, adultery, drama. the series has gotten so much publicity amongst my friends that its annoying. if i have to write garbage to even be noticed...what lows will i have to stoop to to even be recognized in the published world? thus, i have given up on my dream of becoming a writer. i will settle for a desk job and not being an author of a book inducted into Oprah's book club or whatever.
the owners of the house i currently stay in have (for many years) told me that i am in a constant "woe is me" type of thing. i thought about it...and still i disagree. now, i am king pessimist but i never want any kind of attention and damn sure no sympathy. which adds to the many reasons why we dont get along. they simply dont understand. they haven't the slightest clue about any thought, goal, inspiration, feeling, emotion or anything that goes on in my world. but they construe everything to fit the way they want it to which just so happens to be the exact opposite of what they WANT it to be. so, how i see it, in their lack of knowledge, in their sheer ignorance, they have twisted me into this unmotivated, lax , rude, uncaring asshole.(ill give them the rude asshole part). being so far misunderstood by people who you cant avoid can lead to unmeasurable amounts of frustration. one can only imagine why we dont get along now.
lately, i have been pondering: what is the purpose of life and why do we fear death? is this entire charade just a test, or a show to please God. to convince him that we are good enough to be let into his pearly gates. and if heaven is such a better place then why do so many fear death? i dont. i believe once you have understood that life is actually completely pointless and realize that death is not only inevitable and inescapable but also the gateway to a better being, fear becomes a thing of the past. if God controls all, then he also controls when, where and how the end will come. no bother trying to take the long road home or staying far from the seemingly "bad" parts of town for if God wants you to die, you will. fear is a pointless emotion, as pointless as tears. and still as a human, i am burdened with this bullshit. i do not fear death. i do not fear physical harm. i do not fear much, except failure.
i believe i have reached a shore. and these words have carried me safely through the dangerous sea of thoughts. having reached a place where i can almost enjoy the high tide, i believe i can put an end to this rambling.
sometimes
i just need to face the dangers of the drink
only to see
how deep i can get
Saturday, August 9, 2008
up the road
for so many years now, i have kept a journal/diary. "The diary of a sinner", "Enter Tarrance Foster pt.1",Enter Tarrance Foster pt.2", and now this one. the majority of my previous entries in my previous journals have been about my "love life". immature, i know, but it was all i knew. as i have matured i can find many things to write about (we all have to start somewhere, right?)
but at 4:01am on this Saturday morning, i will return to my previous self.
as i have begun this journey of life after college failure, i find the road not only rocky but simply unbearable. the many negative emotions that swell within this already scorn soul keep me on edge. i am not a happy person. i find it hard to smile, harder to laugh and impossible to forgive. and still, i managed to find love. love in a person much like myself. love for a person nearly as troubled as myself. love. a love that cannot be torn by time or distance as it is soon to be tested by both. which is the EXACT reason for this entry.
my entire life i have encountered people who make living easier for me, only to lose them soon after accepting them: Tarrance sr., a few cousins, good friends in middle school, better friends in high school, and the best friends in college but more importantly, my current girlfriend. she is soon to continue her college lifestyle in Jackson, Mississippi whereas i am to begin my adulthood here in atlanta.
returning home after experiencing college has been nothing less than hell itself, she has made the regression easier with her late night words of encouragement and admiration. many a night, i have watched this woman drive from my presence and still it has not been easy. one would think i would get used to it...and simply knowing that in two weeks time i will watch her leave for longer than just a few days or a week. she will be leaving for an entire year (coming back only for weekend visits(once a month)). the very thought of her departure keeps me up at night. i can feel the burden of my life getting heavier already.
i love this woman, dearly. and knowing that i cant see her when i want or need to is hard enough but then add to the equation the many...things (for lack of better terms) that a college campus can provide. the two of us discussed this earlier, it isn't that i dont trust her but one cant help but get a little concerned. drugs, drinks, clubs, men, boys hell the work itself can all serve as factors to keep her from me...or even take...i dare not finish. maybe i am wrong for worrying and thinking such thoughts, but i would be inhuman if i didnt. simply put, im scared that her college life will strip me of what i need most: her. in the midst of all that she will be surrounded with, who's to say that this beautiful country girl wont easily forget a little city boy trying to make a name for himself(meaning that im broke as hell).
it seems as though whenever i need someone the most, when i need to be looked into my cold eyes and told "I believe in you," the most, whenever i simply need somebody touch my hand and smile at me, no one is there. i hate to blame anyone but myself but it seems as though God likes me to be alone when i can hardly bare to be. and if there was ever a time in life where i needed support, it is now. as the moore family make it known that there is no room for a single Foster in their house and force me into the "real world", i find myself more alone than my first weeks in a strange city.
at the end of this entry, i realize: this isn't just about the departure of person close to me, its about being alone...again. i have never been too fond of change but that was a change that i truly enjoyed...not being alone. and now history repeats itself, time overlaps as yet again i am left standing in the street watching the one person i desire, the one person i trust, the one person i love, drive off into their future. into success. into life.
all the while, i am stuck. in a rut of failure, depression, arguments, hate, hungry and sleepless nights and headache filled days. this life i live, yes it could be ALOT worse, but still not a single thing makes me happy.
as a man with a past that can be erased
as a boy with no family
as a child who experienced hate more so then love
as a person too familiar with failure
i sling my bag over my arm and begin to walk.
into my future
into my success
in my life
i know it wont be easy. there will be many more hungry nights and headache filled days but having only known failure, one will do anything for success...
but at 4:01am on this Saturday morning, i will return to my previous self.
as i have begun this journey of life after college failure, i find the road not only rocky but simply unbearable. the many negative emotions that swell within this already scorn soul keep me on edge. i am not a happy person. i find it hard to smile, harder to laugh and impossible to forgive. and still, i managed to find love. love in a person much like myself. love for a person nearly as troubled as myself. love. a love that cannot be torn by time or distance as it is soon to be tested by both. which is the EXACT reason for this entry.
my entire life i have encountered people who make living easier for me, only to lose them soon after accepting them: Tarrance sr., a few cousins, good friends in middle school, better friends in high school, and the best friends in college but more importantly, my current girlfriend. she is soon to continue her college lifestyle in Jackson, Mississippi whereas i am to begin my adulthood here in atlanta.
returning home after experiencing college has been nothing less than hell itself, she has made the regression easier with her late night words of encouragement and admiration. many a night, i have watched this woman drive from my presence and still it has not been easy. one would think i would get used to it...and simply knowing that in two weeks time i will watch her leave for longer than just a few days or a week. she will be leaving for an entire year (coming back only for weekend visits(once a month)). the very thought of her departure keeps me up at night. i can feel the burden of my life getting heavier already.
i love this woman, dearly. and knowing that i cant see her when i want or need to is hard enough but then add to the equation the many...things (for lack of better terms) that a college campus can provide. the two of us discussed this earlier, it isn't that i dont trust her but one cant help but get a little concerned. drugs, drinks, clubs, men, boys hell the work itself can all serve as factors to keep her from me...or even take...i dare not finish. maybe i am wrong for worrying and thinking such thoughts, but i would be inhuman if i didnt. simply put, im scared that her college life will strip me of what i need most: her. in the midst of all that she will be surrounded with, who's to say that this beautiful country girl wont easily forget a little city boy trying to make a name for himself(meaning that im broke as hell).
it seems as though whenever i need someone the most, when i need to be looked into my cold eyes and told "I believe in you," the most, whenever i simply need somebody touch my hand and smile at me, no one is there. i hate to blame anyone but myself but it seems as though God likes me to be alone when i can hardly bare to be. and if there was ever a time in life where i needed support, it is now. as the moore family make it known that there is no room for a single Foster in their house and force me into the "real world", i find myself more alone than my first weeks in a strange city.
at the end of this entry, i realize: this isn't just about the departure of person close to me, its about being alone...again. i have never been too fond of change but that was a change that i truly enjoyed...not being alone. and now history repeats itself, time overlaps as yet again i am left standing in the street watching the one person i desire, the one person i trust, the one person i love, drive off into their future. into success. into life.
all the while, i am stuck. in a rut of failure, depression, arguments, hate, hungry and sleepless nights and headache filled days. this life i live, yes it could be ALOT worse, but still not a single thing makes me happy.
as a man with a past that can be erased
as a boy with no family
as a child who experienced hate more so then love
as a person too familiar with failure
i sling my bag over my arm and begin to walk.
into my future
into my success
in my life
i know it wont be easy. there will be many more hungry nights and headache filled days but having only known failure, one will do anything for success...
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
how villains are made
everyone has a story. those who oppose the light have reasons for their dark ways, many of which wish they could serve the light: Harvey Dent, Anikin Skywalker. those who serve the dark have been rejected by the light. in an expected turn of events, i have followed the same fate. the walls that have created this person have begun to close. and yet, unlike any creature with sanity, i do not panic. i coolly look for an escape while already accepting death.
Tarrance Sr. is pushing himself back into my life. all these many years i have rejected him and still i cannot escape. for now he has my mother's support. i have chased this very man, begging him to love me. now that i have stopped caring, my mother attempts to force me to Indiana in order to meet him. i refuse. if he would like to meet, he will meet me where i am. i have grown tired of their feeble attempts to get me to meet him. fuck him. but if it will shut these people up, i will meet with this bastard. only on my turf though. i will not waste my weekend to fly to the midwest to meet him. i will meet him at chick-fil-a fifteen minuets up the street. only there.
he is wall number one
James Moore has reached his breaking point. he knows not i cannot speak to him. he knows not why i hate him and Tarrance as one even though he has tried so hard to be everything Tarrance isnt. why? i hate him as a person. he is not a person i would ever want to be around. i cannot stand anything about him. his imposing nature, his downward diatribes, his high-and-mighty persona or his "i can relate" facade. i feel as though he has taken my mother from me and i hate him for that (although she has now walked away from me). i hate him for not wanting to be my friend to talk to. i hate him for making me sleep with weapons well within reach. i hate him for believing that because he has "supported" me for so long, that he has earned my love. you cannot buy respect, you cannot buy love, and he doesnt understand that. his being colorblind has effected the way he thinks.
he is wall number two.
Cynthia Moore has shown that she no longer desires a son. the man in her life has changed her and she only needs one in her life. she has no need for a struggling man when she has one who can provide. who has provided. my rebellion against her husband (which was partially for her heart and undying love) has only turned her against me. so enraged and sick of me, she has thrown the person i am becoming, at me. my father. her doing this has shown me that there is no love between us. people say that a bond between a mother and her son cannot be broken. but the Titanic was unsinkable. we have begun our decent into the ocean of hatred and despair.
she is wall number three.
wall number four is a wall that i wish could stay. with her departure from my grasp, the rest of these walls will collapse on top of me. killing me...no metaphor intended. Shanika Rena' Veal has been the only person to give me hope. her presence is the equivalent of twelve blunts. with her i am so high that i forget the troubles of this world. in less than two weeks, she will no longer be here. as an addict, i will go through withdrawals until i return to my other addiction: alcohol. the only escape is for me to physically escape. leave and never return. i will not disclose my potential future location, but the longer i stay here, the more i know i need to go. if everything i want to forget is here in Georgia, why would i stay?
i am trapped
but i am also trapped within myself.
they say anger destroys you. it does. it slowly and painfully eats at your soul until you can feel it right under the flesh. it has devoured me whole. i am not angry for no reason as my caretakers would like to believe, but now it is second nature. to hurt comes as second nature. even when i try not to, my hand is forced. i am asked about how i feel, and when i give the painful truth, tears fall. i cannot help how i feel. it is ingrained within my foundation.
but i would like to heal
i would like to find a place i belong
something i have wanted all along.
more than i hurt others,
i hurt.
but of course, this matters not. the villain receives no sympathy.
escape
"i've tried everything but sucuide...but its crossed my mind." -Cee-Lo
a quote that replays in my mind
Tarrance Sr. is pushing himself back into my life. all these many years i have rejected him and still i cannot escape. for now he has my mother's support. i have chased this very man, begging him to love me. now that i have stopped caring, my mother attempts to force me to Indiana in order to meet him. i refuse. if he would like to meet, he will meet me where i am. i have grown tired of their feeble attempts to get me to meet him. fuck him. but if it will shut these people up, i will meet with this bastard. only on my turf though. i will not waste my weekend to fly to the midwest to meet him. i will meet him at chick-fil-a fifteen minuets up the street. only there.
he is wall number one
James Moore has reached his breaking point. he knows not i cannot speak to him. he knows not why i hate him and Tarrance as one even though he has tried so hard to be everything Tarrance isnt. why? i hate him as a person. he is not a person i would ever want to be around. i cannot stand anything about him. his imposing nature, his downward diatribes, his high-and-mighty persona or his "i can relate" facade. i feel as though he has taken my mother from me and i hate him for that (although she has now walked away from me). i hate him for not wanting to be my friend to talk to. i hate him for making me sleep with weapons well within reach. i hate him for believing that because he has "supported" me for so long, that he has earned my love. you cannot buy respect, you cannot buy love, and he doesnt understand that. his being colorblind has effected the way he thinks.
he is wall number two.
Cynthia Moore has shown that she no longer desires a son. the man in her life has changed her and she only needs one in her life. she has no need for a struggling man when she has one who can provide. who has provided. my rebellion against her husband (which was partially for her heart and undying love) has only turned her against me. so enraged and sick of me, she has thrown the person i am becoming, at me. my father. her doing this has shown me that there is no love between us. people say that a bond between a mother and her son cannot be broken. but the Titanic was unsinkable. we have begun our decent into the ocean of hatred and despair.
she is wall number three.
wall number four is a wall that i wish could stay. with her departure from my grasp, the rest of these walls will collapse on top of me. killing me...no metaphor intended. Shanika Rena' Veal has been the only person to give me hope. her presence is the equivalent of twelve blunts. with her i am so high that i forget the troubles of this world. in less than two weeks, she will no longer be here. as an addict, i will go through withdrawals until i return to my other addiction: alcohol. the only escape is for me to physically escape. leave and never return. i will not disclose my potential future location, but the longer i stay here, the more i know i need to go. if everything i want to forget is here in Georgia, why would i stay?
i am trapped
but i am also trapped within myself.
they say anger destroys you. it does. it slowly and painfully eats at your soul until you can feel it right under the flesh. it has devoured me whole. i am not angry for no reason as my caretakers would like to believe, but now it is second nature. to hurt comes as second nature. even when i try not to, my hand is forced. i am asked about how i feel, and when i give the painful truth, tears fall. i cannot help how i feel. it is ingrained within my foundation.
but i would like to heal
i would like to find a place i belong
something i have wanted all along.
more than i hurt others,
i hurt.
but of course, this matters not. the villain receives no sympathy.
escape
"i've tried everything but sucuide...but its crossed my mind." -Cee-Lo
a quote that replays in my mind
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