hypocritical ways

can an actor be a hyprocrite?
can someone whose purpose is to portray someone else be accused of being something they're not?

i feel this way. but maybe its my "divine calling". i mean, i didnt search for this opportunity. i kinda fell in my lap

story: my sister been doin this church play thing for a few months now [again trying to be like her big brother.]. she needed a ride to the church one day. of course, my parents being the people they are, i was volunteered. get there sit down, halfway listen to whats going on. some guy writes a play about a man with baggage (his sinful ways) but he cant get the ending. me being the guy that i am, i decide to use my talents to help the old man. i write an ending. they love it. eat it up. used it.
so we go back next week. not by choice of course. so im there, incognito. session ends.
this is where shit starts to happen...the next week, i decide to go of my own free will. i was late tho. so the head lady decided to punish me by throwing a random part at me. of course, with my previous acting expirence (thanks Kirk), i surprise her. she gives me the part. [wtf..i didnt ask for it]. so blah blah blah. we perform for the head guy...he loves my part. he loves how i portray the charcter i was given. but i can give my delievery so well....because i deal with my character everyday. i am pride.

problem: i feel horrible participating in this play because im, truthfully, a horrible person.
i lie.
i steal.
i devieve.
i bad mouth ptople.
i hurt people.
i wish death on people
i wish sickness on people.
i can be totally heartless and void when it comes to others.
and yet, here i am trying to minister to people through drama. ((though i actually dont give a fuck, i just like to act.))
ugh.

beyond that. im broke...again somehow. but i need $40 by next wensday. and i cant work monday because of this play.
the life high that i was on has suddenly ended leaving me broken from the fall.

streetlights.

i had so many thoughts earlier.
so many painful words to type.
so much to fill you in on.

but its all gone now...so you'll have to accept the short version.

this is...well was Shanika's spring break.
a year ago today, we met...remet rather. she came home this week and i've seen her everyday. called off of work and damn near skipped class to give her every waking moment of my life.

shopped. ate. sex. got another tattoo. shopped. went broke. and shopped.

but like all good things, you know the cliche.

and the ending always sucks.

in less than twentyfour hours, she will be back in mississippi and i will struggle against the distance once again.
but its different now.
before it was: "i understand you have to go, im not mad and i'll be here when you come back."
then: "yes its hard and it hurts but i support you so i'll wait."
later: " i know, i know, just come back."
but now...im angry. im pissed. im tired of being left. im tired of having my happiness arrive on cp time. its some bullshit. and i hate it. and to add insult to injury, shes going even further for even longer next semester....

as i watched her drive away at 2:1o this morning...a thought came to me. a horrible thought...that might be an even worse revelation...