lets see.

i haven't had internet for the past couple of days. but that hasnt stopped me from blogging...just posting.
re-reading my last intended post...i've decided against it.
too many emotions. too many possibly hurt feelings.

so i sit poolside at trudy's apartment watching the sun quickly disappear behind black clouds which quickly produce rain.
its relaxing. the water hitting the water. the danish i just ate. the orange juice.
everything is oddly serene. and...i'm at peace even in the midst of a downpour. while others panic and run for cover....i remain..i chill.

my life is nothing but chaos. move here. go there. job elsewhere. come here. pay this. get that. you need other...
but...right now...i'm ok. i dont know where my next meal is gonna come from. or where i'm gonna live...though i hate the instability...i'm managing.

i'm single and hating it. even the attention from those that want to be in is a nucience.
i can barely finish a txt before i get another one coming in.
some of them demand CONSTANT attention.
but being that i'm lonely so much these days i dont mind giving for the constant return.

shanika and i have finally made amends. its safe to say things are back on the right track.
the "others" hardly matter anymore. i think we've accepted the fact that our lives might stay filled with other people forever just because of who we are.
we're the guy/girl that everyone likes.
our relationship started with it being just us. a few close friends..but hardly that.
just D!va & iPod. who could tell us anything..? nobody. we were the best. period.

but things have changed.
people have changed.

the storm has ceased since i began typing this...
maybe my life will look up in the same way...such is life.
and i'm at peace with that now. it hurts...but i'm dealing.

so lets just see.
((this post took over 3 hours. smh))

the fuel.

yet again. smirnoff in hand.

bottle 5, i believe.
depression keeps me more coherent than i'd like to be.

i think about everything.
and realize..i have no motivation.

once, anger fueled me.
then, love kept me going.
then determination
then rebellion.
but now...nothing.

i have nothing to rebel against.
i have no determination.
i have no love.
i have no anger.

all i have is sorrow and forced emotionlessness.

i try to help everyone.
to be the shoulder/ear for every person in the world.
because everyone needs that.

but the same people i listen to, never listen.
i have issues. plenty.
more than most.

but i listen.
and am never heard.

people see that i'm depressed and say
"oh, you can talk to me about anything..."
"i'll always be there for you."
"i really do care."

and they might. but they'll never understand.
and if they do...they'll be hurt by the words that i say....sadly, i'm no longer the person who can hurt others in such a way.

i've changed.
and it wasnt a good change.

with no ears.
no shoulders.
and no motivation outside of these bottles...

i find myself on the side of the highway
with no fuel.

looks like i'm hitchhiking again.

depression drinking.

i sit here. smirnoff in hand.
brain tingling. alone. but my music had kept me company.

i have given chase for far too long.
and i thought. rabbits are chased by hunters.
kids are chased by dogs.
criminals are chased by police.

none of those being chased want to be caught...so why am i still pursuing.?
an even better question would be: why am i being eluded in the first place.?

both are questions i have no answer to. and both are highly infuriating.

"i know you love me still..." i txted to her
"No." she responded.
"...you dont love me anymore.?"
"..."

so it seems her love for me has been forgotten.

and this is the woman who once swore her everlasting love for me.
interesting, right.?

who knows where this will go.?

with each word i type...
with every sip i take...
the more i feel my soul bubbling.
the more i feel my heart choking.
this is my life.

sigh.
here's to you heartache.