the fuel.

yet again. smirnoff in hand.

bottle 5, i believe.
depression keeps me more coherent than i'd like to be.

i think about everything.
and realize..i have no motivation.

once, anger fueled me.
then, love kept me going.
then determination
then rebellion.
but now...nothing.

i have nothing to rebel against.
i have no determination.
i have no love.
i have no anger.

all i have is sorrow and forced emotionlessness.

i try to help everyone.
to be the shoulder/ear for every person in the world.
because everyone needs that.

but the same people i listen to, never listen.
i have issues. plenty.
more than most.

but i listen.
and am never heard.

people see that i'm depressed and say
"oh, you can talk to me about anything..."
"i'll always be there for you."
"i really do care."

and they might. but they'll never understand.
and if they do...they'll be hurt by the words that i say....sadly, i'm no longer the person who can hurt others in such a way.

i've changed.
and it wasnt a good change.

with no ears.
no shoulders.
and no motivation outside of these bottles...

i find myself on the side of the highway
with no fuel.

looks like i'm hitchhiking again.