decision made.

last night.
i sat and evaluated my life. my failure of a life.

i had come to the conclusion that i would stay in georgia and work this new job...get back into saint leo and work my way up to being the teacher i want to be. done with college by 25...master's degree. working on a PhD. i could...can still do it.

i even wrote a story about that life.
hated it. trashed it.
dorian called me...and i had to call her back.

it was a little after midnight.
and i was content with my decision.
so i called shanika. a few times actually.
no answer. not even a "goodnight."
i wanted to tell her my plan. make her a part of it.
but no.

then i began to wonder...i began to think harder.

i began to think of the sacrifices.
i began to think of everything.
i got angry. but i didnt let it show. i bottled it up and put it in the deep freezer with all the other bottles of couped up emotion.
i'm getting better at not showing emotion at all. positive or negative.

i figure the best way to deal with life is to show that you have no weakness.
maybe this is called getting over.
sorry...
so yea...i thought. and thought. and pondered. and brewed. and fumed. and clenched my teeth.

every emotion in my body was spilled on the bedroom floor.
i mopped it up and called dorian back.
we vented to eachother as we often do.

her ex makes her feel no better. i find it interesting...
she soon fell asleep. i let her rest.

the song "wait in vain" came on.
and i reneged on my decision.

so.
sunday. i leave for orlando. if not. wensday night.
i'll go. i'll leave. escape this world. start anew. redeem myself. be who i want.
because...i believe i deserve it.

i mean.
i'm a pretty decent person.
i dont hate without reason.
i love strongly.
i care dearly.
i sacrifice often.
i deserve to live.
and so i will.

i'm going to orlando. i'll stay for a week or two. enjoy myself. and do these job interviews.
and if i get one...i'll quit this job here and move into a motel until i can get an apartment.

thats it. thats my decision.

i did what to see her one last time. but she made it clear that it wouldnt matter much.
she hasnt asked me to...and im tired of throwing myself to her to be greeted with rejection.
...she wouldnt even tell me that she missed me.
...this must be what its like to be the "other" man.

and so my mind has been made. nothing will stop me.
no tears. my own or otherwise. nothing.
and sadly...i dont think she'd even try.

all i need is a good 2oo$. and i'm out.

a new start.

so.
they say God works in mysterious ways. maybe this is true.

maybe i had to lose everything to consider this:
i have a friend who wants to set me up with a job in florida.
of course, if i get the job(s) orlando will be my new place of residence.
that means letting go of everything that i've grown fond of.
this city. these people. this love.

but.
i need to be a man.
i need to get out on my own.
gain my independence.
fight on my own.
and, for once, fight for myself.
and no one else.

maybe in the midst of doing that i can kill my insecurities.
and maybe...just maybe...

its hard to say goodbye.
but maybe i need to.

maybe its time to walk away from all that i know.
its what i'm used to. i've done it so much that its no big deal.
but...with a few things leaving too...whats left to keep me here.

so like i said.
maybe its a good thing that everything has been stripped from me.
had everything still been intact i'd probably be reluctant to go.
like i was with the air force...

but maybe this
this new start...maybe it'll do something positive.

what do i have to lose.?
i'm rambling.

ya kno.
sometimes i get brave.
i feel like i can take on the world.
i believe nothing can hurt me and that im at my best.

for a split second today
i had that feeling.
..a real split second.

but a few things changed that.
i wont say what
and we all know who.

i thought i was strong.
i thought i could handle this.
i thought being the good friend would be easy.

even though she still calls me "loml"...i feel like i've been replaced.
like i've lost the war.

the good news is
im used to it now. so it doesnt hurt as bad.
ultimately the happiness of others will always come before mine.
so i swallow my pain and handle it with a calm face.

its hard.
but i will forever stand tall.

dried wells

"and here we go."

how do i feel right now...
there isn't a word that can encompass the totality of these feelings.

but through my swarm of emotion my brain is functional...fully.
i can no longer think with my heart or emotions as my cancer nature permits.

the relationship i had
is nothing more than a sweet memory now.

as she has played with the flock of penis having vultures
giving them false hopes and sky high dreams
she has managed to neglect me further.
the heart has called for her
the soul has longed for her

and she has rejected them both
but invited others in
all while pushing me out.

i'll admit:
my...jealousy of her new object of affection has altered my judgment on many a night.
but...i wanted her time. her attention. her txt. her calls..that actually consisted of conversation.
but i recieved none of those.
lorenzo did. and now she likes him..."alot alot."

things she used to say to me she says to him.
"pumpkinhead"
and i'm "irrelevant"

i read these things.
was i wrong for reading them.?
yes.
was she wrong for saying them.?
no. not if she would have told me the same thing.
did she.?
no.

whats the point, tarrance?

the point is:
our entire relationship i have blamed myself for all of our issues.
a. she was miserable at school because i was too needy and tried to be selfish all the time.
b.she was too busy for me because i had too much free time for her
c.she had to play the "man" because i was too broke to do so.
d.she woulda went to maryland and made our relationship harder because i couldnt get back to howard.
e.she hates me now because im too focused on how much she likes lorenzo.
the list goes on and on.
i always took the blame. and i changed myself to fix all of that.

i made myself busy. i got a job. i got a vehicle. i tried to stop caring.
but
the fact is...its her fault.

she barely waited for us to break up to find a new fling.
she kept busy because she had no clue about what she wanted to do.
she decided to still go to maryland and put our relationship on the back end even though i had planned on enlisting to provide for her.
i thought about us she thought about her.
i gave everything i had. she gave money.

but i loved her anyway.
and i always will. my heart is stubborn. i'm ok with that.

she selfishly let me go.
but has the aducity to mention marriage.
there is no common ground. and marraige is based on such.
at the end of the day...
shanika rena veal simply doesnt want me.
she claims not to want anyone..but that matters not.

she said something interesting.
she said i didnt know her.
..thing is...she doesnt either.
no one does.

she doesnt exist because she is everything and then she is nothing.
"walking contradiction"

she has walked away from me.
leaving me cold. hurt. wet. broken.
she has moved on though she will deny it.

i must do the same.
in my own twisted way.
a way i fear might hurt more than help.

she has moved on.

and though the well of love i have for her has been used up.
though my heart is dry.
though my bucket empty and hers full
there is still a reserve.

because i still love her. and i probably always will no matter how many times she kills me.
i'm a fool.

and my foolishness is hurting another.

[[i had more to say. but i've calmed down much since reading that i am irrelevant and the lowkey sex talk and the "like you"s. i'm thinking logically. and logically i'm still very upset. hurt. angry. confused. i've been played. punk'd. duped. whatever you want to call it. i've smoked more in the past week than i have in my life. i can feel the asthma weighing down my breathing. i havent slept in three days. i'm a mess(anthony hamilton). but like a toy solider, my face will not crack from behind my shades. my eyes tell a story. a sad story. the story of my soul...and i cannot name many that will see my eyes ever again. they do not deserve that story. and if they do...i do not trust them with it. as i will trust no being with this slow beating organ. the great wall of china has been erected and it is being protected by every weapon korea has and a japenese army.]]

love is dead.
my ample amout of that substance is deathly short.
the well has dried.
as have my eyes.

how can i ever love again (also anthony hamilton)
i cant.

-fin