dried wells

"and here we go."

how do i feel right now...
there isn't a word that can encompass the totality of these feelings.

but through my swarm of emotion my brain is functional...fully.
i can no longer think with my heart or emotions as my cancer nature permits.

the relationship i had
is nothing more than a sweet memory now.

as she has played with the flock of penis having vultures
giving them false hopes and sky high dreams
she has managed to neglect me further.
the heart has called for her
the soul has longed for her

and she has rejected them both
but invited others in
all while pushing me out.

i'll admit:
my...jealousy of her new object of affection has altered my judgment on many a night.
but...i wanted her time. her attention. her txt. her calls..that actually consisted of conversation.
but i recieved none of those.
lorenzo did. and now she likes him..."alot alot."

things she used to say to me she says to him.
"pumpkinhead"
and i'm "irrelevant"

i read these things.
was i wrong for reading them.?
yes.
was she wrong for saying them.?
no. not if she would have told me the same thing.
did she.?
no.

whats the point, tarrance?

the point is:
our entire relationship i have blamed myself for all of our issues.
a. she was miserable at school because i was too needy and tried to be selfish all the time.
b.she was too busy for me because i had too much free time for her
c.she had to play the "man" because i was too broke to do so.
d.she woulda went to maryland and made our relationship harder because i couldnt get back to howard.
e.she hates me now because im too focused on how much she likes lorenzo.
the list goes on and on.
i always took the blame. and i changed myself to fix all of that.

i made myself busy. i got a job. i got a vehicle. i tried to stop caring.
but
the fact is...its her fault.

she barely waited for us to break up to find a new fling.
she kept busy because she had no clue about what she wanted to do.
she decided to still go to maryland and put our relationship on the back end even though i had planned on enlisting to provide for her.
i thought about us she thought about her.
i gave everything i had. she gave money.

but i loved her anyway.
and i always will. my heart is stubborn. i'm ok with that.

she selfishly let me go.
but has the aducity to mention marriage.
there is no common ground. and marraige is based on such.
at the end of the day...
shanika rena veal simply doesnt want me.
she claims not to want anyone..but that matters not.

she said something interesting.
she said i didnt know her.
..thing is...she doesnt either.
no one does.

she doesnt exist because she is everything and then she is nothing.
"walking contradiction"

she has walked away from me.
leaving me cold. hurt. wet. broken.
she has moved on though she will deny it.

i must do the same.
in my own twisted way.
a way i fear might hurt more than help.

she has moved on.

and though the well of love i have for her has been used up.
though my heart is dry.
though my bucket empty and hers full
there is still a reserve.

because i still love her. and i probably always will no matter how many times she kills me.
i'm a fool.

and my foolishness is hurting another.

[[i had more to say. but i've calmed down much since reading that i am irrelevant and the lowkey sex talk and the "like you"s. i'm thinking logically. and logically i'm still very upset. hurt. angry. confused. i've been played. punk'd. duped. whatever you want to call it. i've smoked more in the past week than i have in my life. i can feel the asthma weighing down my breathing. i havent slept in three days. i'm a mess(anthony hamilton). but like a toy solider, my face will not crack from behind my shades. my eyes tell a story. a sad story. the story of my soul...and i cannot name many that will see my eyes ever again. they do not deserve that story. and if they do...i do not trust them with it. as i will trust no being with this slow beating organ. the great wall of china has been erected and it is being protected by every weapon korea has and a japenese army.]]

love is dead.
my ample amout of that substance is deathly short.
the well has dried.
as have my eyes.

how can i ever love again (also anthony hamilton)
i cant.

-fin