decision made.

last night.
i sat and evaluated my life. my failure of a life.

i had come to the conclusion that i would stay in georgia and work this new job...get back into saint leo and work my way up to being the teacher i want to be. done with college by 25...master's degree. working on a PhD. i could...can still do it.

i even wrote a story about that life.
hated it. trashed it.
dorian called me...and i had to call her back.

it was a little after midnight.
and i was content with my decision.
so i called shanika. a few times actually.
no answer. not even a "goodnight."
i wanted to tell her my plan. make her a part of it.
but no.

then i began to wonder...i began to think harder.

i began to think of the sacrifices.
i began to think of everything.
i got angry. but i didnt let it show. i bottled it up and put it in the deep freezer with all the other bottles of couped up emotion.
i'm getting better at not showing emotion at all. positive or negative.

i figure the best way to deal with life is to show that you have no weakness.
maybe this is called getting over.
sorry...
so yea...i thought. and thought. and pondered. and brewed. and fumed. and clenched my teeth.

every emotion in my body was spilled on the bedroom floor.
i mopped it up and called dorian back.
we vented to eachother as we often do.

her ex makes her feel no better. i find it interesting...
she soon fell asleep. i let her rest.

the song "wait in vain" came on.
and i reneged on my decision.

so.
sunday. i leave for orlando. if not. wensday night.
i'll go. i'll leave. escape this world. start anew. redeem myself. be who i want.
because...i believe i deserve it.

i mean.
i'm a pretty decent person.
i dont hate without reason.
i love strongly.
i care dearly.
i sacrifice often.
i deserve to live.
and so i will.

i'm going to orlando. i'll stay for a week or two. enjoy myself. and do these job interviews.
and if i get one...i'll quit this job here and move into a motel until i can get an apartment.

thats it. thats my decision.

i did what to see her one last time. but she made it clear that it wouldnt matter much.
she hasnt asked me to...and im tired of throwing myself to her to be greeted with rejection.
...she wouldnt even tell me that she missed me.
...this must be what its like to be the "other" man.

and so my mind has been made. nothing will stop me.
no tears. my own or otherwise. nothing.
and sadly...i dont think she'd even try.

all i need is a good 2oo$. and i'm out.