13th day

the day marking the official start of my depression. my life had begun to fall apart thirteen days ago and i watched it. the enforcement of a ten o'clock curfew, the threat of being put out, the departure of my girlfriend and escape, the departure of my bestfriend and the reappearance of my "father".

i tried to escape it all. to push it back into a place in my head where nothing really matters. but like a unruly bastard child, it refused to stay put.
as a final attempt to keep depression at bay, i went into downtown Atlanta to look for a job. to at least try and show my "mother" (who shall be referred to as mrs.moore) that i was trying. dressed in slacks, shirt and tie i walked all of corporate Atlanta. asking banks, restaurants, inns, hotels and motels alike if they were hiring. none were, and if i was lucky enough to find a place that said they were, i had to return home to fill out the application online.

sitting on a bench realizing that my entire trip, that my sore feet, sweaty back, headache, aching knees and hunger were all for nothing, i allowed myself to succumb to the omen of my thirteenth day. needing motivation, i texted my girlfriend and waited. no response. i remembered that she was driving to mississippi that day and probably didnt realize her phone rang. i felt defeated.

i walked more under the blazing sun, hearing nothing but rejection. eventually my tired feet stopped listening to where my brain told them to go. they lead me to georgia state university. knowing that i have a few friends attending that college, i began to text them. i met up with people who used to make me laugh and feel good about myself.
Imari who i used to always disagree with on everything from racial issues to good music to women. we could never find a medium but our differences made us best of friends. she would often help me with my female problems as i did the same for her.
Amber who was better known as "Killa Amb" and was even more known for her offbeat humor. there was a unknown connection that we shared. a sense of humor that only quick minds could keep up with. we both were always laughing at something that probably wasnt funny.
Brittany who was considered by the school to be my 11th grade girlfriend, though we hardly dated. still good friends, we shared many a laugh (most of which were derived from stories about the other).
Ashley, someone i met through a mutual friend but having never seen until recently. most of out "talking" was done through text messaging. and still we found a connection.
all of these people helped me forget the troubles of my world.
having walked for ten hours, killa invited me to see her room where we ate apple sauce and watched tv.

upon my departure from gsu, i decided that maybe i could spend my next few years of college there. i tried to crunch the numbers in my head and concluded that i could afford it and still have plenty to eat. with a part-time job i could pay to get my own cell phone in order to complete my escape from the moore family. depression begun its lift as i found a slimmer of hope.

i rode home with my mother who complained about having to pick me up from a certain spot although she had been in her spacious and air conditioned office all day whereas i was outside in the 90 degree weather. walking the hour back to her job was physically impossible at this point.

i long for the day that the owners of this home will come home and live their lives as usual expecting me to be home at ten. i yearn for the moment where i can vanish from the face of the earth without them knowing where or how to find me. i desire for the year that i will randomly mail them a wedding invitation after so many years of not being heard from.

oh how i want escape.
as depression and emptiness roll on, i am attempting to pull myself out of this hole. by the end of this month, something will have happened. either i will be attempting to enroll in school, i will have a job and be working towards an apartment, i will be living with Tarrance sr or i will have enlisted in the military.
those are my escape routes and in ten days, one will have been used.

12th day

i just stood there, watching her. watching the tears fall down her cheeks. her eyes had long since turned red. goodbye couldn't have been harder. car door closed, window up, all she had to do was pull off. but she couldnt, and i could tell. she demanded that i walk into the house, to make her departure easier. i couldnt. the goddess of love herself kept me in that spot on the hot pavement.

i would not open her door and kiss her for i had just closed the same door just moments ago. it would only bring more tears. she fought with the ignition, battled with the steering wheel and lost to her own will. the past few days were filled with sorrow and memories. sorrow for her departure. the memories that would have to hold us over until we met again.

i walked onto the driveway in front of my house, checked the mail, and remained in front of the woman i hold so dear. in front of her white jeep which i was supposed to wash. she pulled up, inching past my stick-like body.
windows still up she mouthed, "I love you."
i mouthed the same back, "and i'll be right here when you come back."
she rolled her window down, "pinky swear." i met her curled pinky with my own, a custom we had developed during some of our more somber moments. the same custom that was first laughed at by her.
"Pinky swear." our hands struggle with each other and fingers find themselves gridlocked loosely.

ironically, we held hands the same way as she left the day we called ourselves a couple.
"Five, fourteen, oh eight," in reference to the picture of our hands taken that day.
the memories flooded my mind. from that day forward: our first outing, her first time at Atlantic station, meeting her family and friends, her doing the same for me, my birthday, the sleepover, our first sexual experience, public sex, our last sexual experience. all of which started from that day.

the laughs we have shared, the tears we have shed,the troubles we have endured and the love we have all have created this warm sensation that i am told is love. but it goes much deeper than just love...much, much deeper.

before i can allow myself to indulge in such memories, i watch as the world around me starts to blur. the rivers of memories well up in my eyes but i told myself i would not cry today. i was done crying last night. my hand slips away and i step back. she wipes her tears, states that shes ok now. that that was all she needed. she gains control of the steering wheel and slowly inches up , throwing me the peace sign. i return the gesture.

just as i save the tears from gravity and look back up, she is halfway up the street. i watch her in disbelief. watch her drive to her future, her success, her other life. my heart becomes heavy. my soul grows weak. my body, numb. she turns the corner and is gone...gone. and i am alone. all friends, off to college. my "family", is my problem. and my escape, gone.

i find myself alone.

i drag my feet back into the house. throw the mail on the table, slam my head on the table and let the memories fall. i cry. i told my self i wouldn't and i lied.

with one final sigh, realizing that there is noting i can do, i stand to my feet and begin life. while my friends work for a better tomorrow, i will work for a better today. i will make good use of my time. for in three short years...i will have a family.
but in less than twelve hours she will be gone
and it will be my 13th day
i will be officially depressed..

11th day

lay in my bed.7:00 pm. once i heard that if one is aware of their depression for thirteen days, then they are truly depressed. this is day 11. so i lay and watch the sun fall from behind closed blinds.

i watch time pass. its dark outside now and within the past eleven days i have cried more than i have in 18 years. 9:10, a phone call. the only one that will get answered. i pick up, "Hello?"
"Heller??" the woman on the other line replies.
"Mmmhum," conversation follows, most of which i strain my voice to mask my uneasiness. i mask the tears in my voice. i mask the fact that the tears wont stop, cant stop. i keep my composure , and when i cant i dont speak. this almost impossible task last for about an hour until she must go.

i continue to lay

i have enough time to let my eyes dry and let the cold stare return. i have reached homeostasis. when another woman enters my room. the woman who birthed me and thus has me eternally in her debt. i owe her for a life i am not happy with. i owe her for a life i didnt ask for. but i owe her. she has only appeared to give her next order that i must fulfill. its her second one today as this is my second time seeing her. its a simple order. "Wash the dishes," as she leaves the room. "I owe her," i remind myself as motivation to complete the task at hand.

i feel my body get up without my command. auto-pilot. emotionless, it walks downstairs and begins to work. my ipod is in sync with my mind and plays a more melancholy list of songs, many of which i havent heard in some time. a single light remains on above my head, the rest of the world is dark. i look up to see my reflection in the window.
its funny. instead of showing me whats ahead, what i desire, what isnt here...all i see is myself. thats how my life has always been.

i hate this life...that is the conclusion i have drawn.
my mother left me for a Navy man. the same Navy man who has implemented a 10 o' clock curfew for a 19 year old male. the same 19 year old who he so desperately wants out of his house.
my father never had me to leave. i have hated him for as long as i have been making my own mind. and now, when i could use that much more stress, he decides he wants to mend our relationship. my father is dead. i am a bastard child with no dad. i have a Tarrance sr and a financial provider.
the one person who gave me peace is escaping. she has found her way out and is taking it, leaving me behind.
i am stuck...with a life i didnt ask for. with a life i dont want. i am not happy

and in two days i'll be officially depressed.