11th day

lay in my bed.7:00 pm. once i heard that if one is aware of their depression for thirteen days, then they are truly depressed. this is day 11. so i lay and watch the sun fall from behind closed blinds.

i watch time pass. its dark outside now and within the past eleven days i have cried more than i have in 18 years. 9:10, a phone call. the only one that will get answered. i pick up, "Hello?"
"Heller??" the woman on the other line replies.
"Mmmhum," conversation follows, most of which i strain my voice to mask my uneasiness. i mask the tears in my voice. i mask the fact that the tears wont stop, cant stop. i keep my composure , and when i cant i dont speak. this almost impossible task last for about an hour until she must go.

i continue to lay

i have enough time to let my eyes dry and let the cold stare return. i have reached homeostasis. when another woman enters my room. the woman who birthed me and thus has me eternally in her debt. i owe her for a life i am not happy with. i owe her for a life i didnt ask for. but i owe her. she has only appeared to give her next order that i must fulfill. its her second one today as this is my second time seeing her. its a simple order. "Wash the dishes," as she leaves the room. "I owe her," i remind myself as motivation to complete the task at hand.

i feel my body get up without my command. auto-pilot. emotionless, it walks downstairs and begins to work. my ipod is in sync with my mind and plays a more melancholy list of songs, many of which i havent heard in some time. a single light remains on above my head, the rest of the world is dark. i look up to see my reflection in the window.
its funny. instead of showing me whats ahead, what i desire, what isnt here...all i see is myself. thats how my life has always been.

i hate this life...that is the conclusion i have drawn.
my mother left me for a Navy man. the same Navy man who has implemented a 10 o' clock curfew for a 19 year old male. the same 19 year old who he so desperately wants out of his house.
my father never had me to leave. i have hated him for as long as i have been making my own mind. and now, when i could use that much more stress, he decides he wants to mend our relationship. my father is dead. i am a bastard child with no dad. i have a Tarrance sr and a financial provider.
the one person who gave me peace is escaping. she has found her way out and is taking it, leaving me behind.
i am stuck...with a life i didnt ask for. with a life i dont want. i am not happy

and in two days i'll be officially depressed.