yes i did just write an entry, but my mind cannot stop. i'm lost in a sea of emotions trying to stay afloat on this raft of words. i feel it slowly sinking.
nothing in this world of mine is going in the right direction. i see failure quickly approaching. i am destined to live the life of a bum under the overpass. what do i want out of life? i want to write. i want people to enjoy my poetry as they do on facebook and myspace. but poetry isnt "in the market now", as i was told by a publisher rep. "everyone thinks they can write poetry," and they are fucking my dream up. he suggested i write a series, so i tried a little experiment. on facebook, i wrote a little trapped in the closet/zane/ignorant nigga story. and as i expected, the niggas ate it up and begged for more. i gave. the series is a three part set, and still they beg for a fourth and fifth and sixth. in my favorite book 'ERAsure' (thank you Z-co), the main character hides behind an alias in order to write a book that will satisfy the leeching critics and public, a book that is completely different from his norm. i took a walk in his shoes with this series. my poems are usually dark and somewhat suicidal where as this series (entitled "Oh God" (his book was called "FUCK")) was just a bunch of coonery: sex, guns, adultery, drama. the series has gotten so much publicity amongst my friends that its annoying. if i have to write garbage to even be noticed...what lows will i have to stoop to to even be recognized in the published world? thus, i have given up on my dream of becoming a writer. i will settle for a desk job and not being an author of a book inducted into Oprah's book club or whatever.
the owners of the house i currently stay in have (for many years) told me that i am in a constant "woe is me" type of thing. i thought about it...and still i disagree. now, i am king pessimist but i never want any kind of attention and damn sure no sympathy. which adds to the many reasons why we dont get along. they simply dont understand. they haven't the slightest clue about any thought, goal, inspiration, feeling, emotion or anything that goes on in my world. but they construe everything to fit the way they want it to which just so happens to be the exact opposite of what they WANT it to be. so, how i see it, in their lack of knowledge, in their sheer ignorance, they have twisted me into this unmotivated, lax , rude, uncaring asshole.(ill give them the rude asshole part). being so far misunderstood by people who you cant avoid can lead to unmeasurable amounts of frustration. one can only imagine why we dont get along now.
lately, i have been pondering: what is the purpose of life and why do we fear death? is this entire charade just a test, or a show to please God. to convince him that we are good enough to be let into his pearly gates. and if heaven is such a better place then why do so many fear death? i dont. i believe once you have understood that life is actually completely pointless and realize that death is not only inevitable and inescapable but also the gateway to a better being, fear becomes a thing of the past. if God controls all, then he also controls when, where and how the end will come. no bother trying to take the long road home or staying far from the seemingly "bad" parts of town for if God wants you to die, you will. fear is a pointless emotion, as pointless as tears. and still as a human, i am burdened with this bullshit. i do not fear death. i do not fear physical harm. i do not fear much, except failure.
i believe i have reached a shore. and these words have carried me safely through the dangerous sea of thoughts. having reached a place where i can almost enjoy the high tide, i believe i can put an end to this rambling.
sometimes
i just need to face the dangers of the drink
only to see
how deep i can get
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