up the road

for so many years now, i have kept a journal/diary. "The diary of a sinner", "Enter Tarrance Foster pt.1",Enter Tarrance Foster pt.2", and now this one. the majority of my previous entries in my previous journals have been about my "love life". immature, i know, but it was all i knew. as i have matured i can find many things to write about (we all have to start somewhere, right?)
but at 4:01am on this Saturday morning, i will return to my previous self.
as i have begun this journey of life after college failure, i find the road not only rocky but simply unbearable. the many negative emotions that swell within this already scorn soul keep me on edge. i am not a happy person. i find it hard to smile, harder to laugh and impossible to forgive. and still, i managed to find love. love in a person much like myself. love for a person nearly as troubled as myself. love. a love that cannot be torn by time or distance as it is soon to be tested by both. which is the EXACT reason for this entry.
my entire life i have encountered people who make living easier for me, only to lose them soon after accepting them: Tarrance sr., a few cousins, good friends in middle school, better friends in high school, and the best friends in college but more importantly, my current girlfriend. she is soon to continue her college lifestyle in Jackson, Mississippi whereas i am to begin my adulthood here in atlanta.
returning home after experiencing college has been nothing less than hell itself, she has made the regression easier with her late night words of encouragement and admiration. many a night, i have watched this woman drive from my presence and still it has not been easy. one would think i would get used to it...and simply knowing that in two weeks time i will watch her leave for longer than just a few days or a week. she will be leaving for an entire year (coming back only for weekend visits(once a month)). the very thought of her departure keeps me up at night. i can feel the burden of my life getting heavier already.
i love this woman, dearly. and knowing that i cant see her when i want or need to is hard enough but then add to the equation the many...things (for lack of better terms) that a college campus can provide. the two of us discussed this earlier, it isn't that i dont trust her but one cant help but get a little concerned. drugs, drinks, clubs, men, boys hell the work itself can all serve as factors to keep her from me...or even take...i dare not finish. maybe i am wrong for worrying and thinking such thoughts, but i would be inhuman if i didnt. simply put, im scared that her college life will strip me of what i need most: her. in the midst of all that she will be surrounded with, who's to say that this beautiful country girl wont easily forget a little city boy trying to make a name for himself(meaning that im broke as hell).
it seems as though whenever i need someone the most, when i need to be looked into my cold eyes and told "I believe in you," the most, whenever i simply need somebody touch my hand and smile at me, no one is there. i hate to blame anyone but myself but it seems as though God likes me to be alone when i can hardly bare to be. and if there was ever a time in life where i needed support, it is now. as the moore family make it known that there is no room for a single Foster in their house and force me into the "real world", i find myself more alone than my first weeks in a strange city.
at the end of this entry, i realize: this isn't just about the departure of person close to me, its about being alone...again. i have never been too fond of change but that was a change that i truly enjoyed...not being alone. and now history repeats itself, time overlaps as yet again i am left standing in the street watching the one person i desire, the one person i trust, the one person i love, drive off into their future. into success. into life.
all the while, i am stuck. in a rut of failure, depression, arguments, hate, hungry and sleepless nights and headache filled days. this life i live, yes it could be ALOT worse, but still not a single thing makes me happy.

as a man with a past that can be erased
as a boy with no family
as a child who experienced hate more so then love
as a person too familiar with failure
i sling my bag over my arm and begin to walk.
into my future
into my success
in my life

i know it wont be easy. there will be many more hungry nights and headache filled days but having only known failure, one will do anything for success...