another return.

one of the places i've been most comfortable is on stage.

in front of a crowd.

today i met with this old friend again.

it was an odd reunion. 

i did my part.

received applause. 

all that shit. 

but i wasnt comfortable.

 

and i didnt know why until i left the homeless shelter.

last time, i felt such a connection with the homeless because i thought i was soon to be one.

and now...i know im not.

but thats not important.

the important part is...im getting people saved through a ministry that i hardly practice.

i dont go to church.

i dont pray.

im a heathen. 

and i dont plan on changing.

the minister wants all the people who are in the drama thing to become members of the church and take these classes to do so.

i refuse.

thus, this might be the end of my short lived acting career. 

sigh. oh well.

in other news.

i'm HIGHLY disappointed in some of my fellow bloggers.

seems that the pastime that we shared with one another isnt important enough to keep indulging in. 

people suck.

strike 3.

these past few weeks have a reoccurring theme.

being the literal person i am, i tend to overlook the metaphors of life.

so looking back--i could slap myself for having missed it.

im going to cease struggle.

im not fighting for friendships.

im not begging for support.

i will do with my life as i see fit for me and me alone.

today has shown me that no matter how much you:

forgive

trust

love

hate

confide

need

any person, the only one who can keep your dreams alive is yourself.

for a long time i lived without a dream.

without hope. 

and recently i have found my dream. and even more recently i found a way to acquire that dream.  

of course, it was soon shot down.

but i refuse to let this dream get deferred. even if i have to live out this dream in solitude.

if friends are lost.

if family vanishes.

if all human interaction with anyone i ever cared about is lost.

i'll be just fine.

and this is something i will do for me.

those who want to be

will.

period.