twilight zone.

time moves so slow here.
i've only been here a week and two days...and i feel like its been forever.
my body wakes up at 9 every morning.

i reach for my phone.
then my laptop
and i remember that neither work at the moment.

the only people i talk to are:
The LasVegas Hustler - Tarrance Sr.
The Almost Smart Enough Slickster - Keisha ______
&
The Doped-up Pill-popping Good-kid Gone Goon - Tyler _____ (a.k.a. tykee)

enter.
The New Kid - Tarrance Jr.


everything plays out in movie format. overly dramatic and mostly weird.
nothing happens. i think i got a job already. i'm not too sure.
i'll be back in school soon too. i think i might be out here for a while.
something about being in the same room as him brings me peace.

but something else keeps me out here.

viva las vegas

this is it guys.

my new life has started.

its odd. very movie/esque. i want to write a series of books based off this transition.

it feels like im visiting. like im gonna go home in a day or two..then i realize...i'm here for good.

its a very serene place. 

ride one way to reach the mountains. i watch the clouds gently sit right above the brown cliffs. i'll climb one someday.

ride the other way to reach the strip. lights. party. the fast life. its all in that direction. i find myself driving slow along the strip in the wee hours of the morning. not looking for anything, but just enjoying the freshness of this air. 

i own the nights here.

all these people do is smoke and sit around. no one works. i cant get stuck in that vacuum.

looking for a job and soon to enroll into the local university. i need to get back to writing more. i have a book(s) to produce.

i think i'm content. i might come to really enjoy this place. i'm adapting.

i own the car. i'm comfortable. 

i'm ready to start.

viva las vegas.

madness

i've gone insane.
i dont know what more to say than that.
each day things get worse.
more vivid.
more real.
more painful, at times.
theres no stopping it.
i feel as though God is giving me the mindset of one of my characters from my book.

but i've gone numb.
searching for something more.
something fulfilling.
something...else.
the mind set of another character.

all the while...i'm totally content.
i dont need anything more than what i have.
and that is nothing.
but i'm content in finding the beauty of depravity.
the mindset of the final character.

all leading back to the fact that i've gone insane.

i have nothing. but i have it all.
"enjoy the chaos."

shattered.

its amazing how things fall apart.
random thought.

i told my mother of my plans to depart. she was oddly at peace with it. i was expecting her to be more hysterical.
good.
same with her husband. they were both pretty cool with the thought. maybe its because i caused so much turmoil in the past.

told shanika.
she didnt take it as well. and to see her so bent out of shape about it was...refreshing.
felt like she cared.
but shes an actress, as she often reminds me.
she was only home for a few days. she only managed to see me once (and for an hour the night before). but she made time for sheldon and his possee. of course, drinks were involved [as if i didnt have any to give]. i'm convinced that shes more interested in the possibilities of others than the possibility of a reality with me.
yea.
then, of course, me being who i am, i found out that she just ignores most of what i say because we "been done." and shes got a new "boo" on the rise. hum.
am i upset.? nah. i expect this from her. thus, i'll bring what she said to reality. "we're done."
period.
shatter.

someone broke into my truck last night.
stole a suitcase and a shoebox. both of which were full of things shanika gave me.
i was quite upset about it earlier. -now- eh.

after living a good month on a non-induced high, i'm finally coming down. i hate it but i've found the key to my happiness. and i will use that key to unlock the closet used to store my smiles.
i dont mean to sound cliche or immature but fuck everything else.

this time will be spent writing my book.

my life is still in shambles.
shattered.
but i'm calmly picking up the many pieces and getting ready to weld them back together.

a change of heart.

i have alot to say. 

my mind wreaks with a plethora of emotions, thoughts, anger, frustration and the like.

i have changed. totally. 

my ego has grown beyond measure. i'm no longer the kid i was in high school. nor am i the same person that i was a year ago. seven months ago i began to change. i lost the naivety that once was. the ability to love blindly and trust foolishly. its gone. never to return possibly. 

mentally: i see the world differently. i see everything differently. 

nothing is the same.

nothing is worth keeping. as of this moment i have decided to drop everything. 

i havent the hope nor strength nor faith that anything will work in my favor. thus, i've quit making plans. nothing will go accordingly. i will only make action. 

with that being said--i'm leaving georgia. i'm going to start anew in a new land. on a new coast.

i'm leaving everything behind. friends from high school. family. those who claim to love me. all of it. 

none of it has done anything but hold me back---so i break the chains and walk into my destiny. 

i have enjoyed these past few weeks, though. freedom from obligation of people. phone calls. text. not having or needing to answer to a single person. 

i have lived for me and me only, most nights. and after my move, i will continue to do the same. 

no one has shown themselves deserving of my constant struggle. thus, i cease. 

i had planned to stay and fight for what i loved. this city. that person. such. 

but i've had a change of heart. 

"you dont equal school or work or any of the other stuff i'm trying to accomplish," is what i was told by someone i sacrificed going back to howard sophomore year for. 

its a 10/90 love. well i'm taking my and walking.

i'm buying my ticket as we speak.

let it be.

here i am again.

fighting for the past. for what was.

for six long months i've fought this fight. it was one thing i can say i really gave my all to.

but

it was to no avail.

never love someone who cant love you more.

i have loved this woman with every inch of my persona.

i sacrificed. i gave.  and i'm sure they did too.

six months.

14 months before that.

all of which i devoted to her. all of which i gave everything.

but it was to no avail.

it seems that even though i've given my all...they cant do the same.

so in an "all or nothing" world, this person has decided to be nothing.

logical, is it not.?

i will not succumb to being in an sometimey relationship again knowing i will give all and receive some. and they will not be in a relationship with the burden of giving all. instead they'll roam this world looking for a love that they probably wont find elsewhere. an understanding that might not exist.

i dont judge this person for their ill choices. 

i dont hate them for their contradictions of love.

but i am disappointed. 

it seems that even now the title "failure" follows me.

but unlike before...i embrace it.

am i deeply hurt and saddened, yes. but it will not destroy me. 

i will not let it. i've got too many other deamons to fight to allow myself to give in to this one.

in a matter of a day and a half i will be homeless.

but i have a plan.

a master plan. only a few random ears have heard this scheme and none others will until it is implemented. 

though my heart weeps and my skies grey i am not depressed.

i find my peace in these words and in my weed.

yes. 

i am lonely. i sleep and wake up to an inactive phone in an empty bed.

and i know, through it all, my nomadic nature of nonstop moving will help me move away from this dark time.

everything is as it is

and i plan to let it be.

the calm.

i am faced with adversity.

and much of it.

i received a thousand dollar plus check not long ago.

900 of those dollars were supposed to go to paying off my saint leo bill.

it would have left me with roughly three hundred dollars. 

until spring.

lets not forget that i have to eat daily. drive daily. i dont work. and i hardly "shop"

this being said---300 dollars wouldnt last me much longer than three weeks.

so i didnt pay the bill. 

so i wont be able to enroll for another semester until i do.

sigh.

oh. and my landlord has decided to lend the bed i currently sleep in to her cousin.

understandable, right?

of course...it WOULD be if i had another place to go or if he didnt have anywhere else to go.

neither is the case. hes leaving his house to stay here and i have to leave my house so he can.

this means that i'll be homeless, yet again.

and in the midst of trying to get back into howard--my only options are

1.fight my way back into the university

2.air force/army

3.las vegas

only one of these is ideal. i feel my return to hu is very possible. i just cant lose hope.

but i am losing what little i had.

i feel like a maggot next to a wobbling jenga wall.

and i still wake up alone

and go to sleep alone.

the events that i do enjoy, i mostly indulge in alone and still some find fault.

but the Beatles said "let it be" so i will.

there isnt much i can do so i wont fret.

instead i'll let the shit hit the fan and watch where it lands.

i will remain calm.

progress.

i am a plethora of thoughts at the moment.

not emotions. 

"emotion is negro. logic is greek."

i've successfully detached myself from the emotional wreck that was the former me. though they still exist they remain well in check.

this being said, i read something just now that shocked me and prompted me to feel something i havent felt in some time.

ironic. "some time" when this feeling is impatience. 

i've waited for months on end for you to act. months. i've sat. idle. hoping.  and to be frank, i've hated every second. maybe its my impatient nature maybe its your inactive way of taking action. either way i'm sick of waiting. period. 

the camel's back has broken. the last straw pulled. 

i have grown used to this single life. enjoyed, even, what it has to offer. i have lived this life long enough to know what i want. and because of your inactivity, i will finally act on it.

that is my progress.

the book i have long needed to write is well underway. 

chapter three, i believe. a story at heart and the words in mind. i'm very much excited to get back to it and deliver it to you.

that is my progress.

i have grown content in myself to be comfortable in my solitude.

that is my progress.

but i have grown up enough to stop waiting for shit to happen.

that is my progress.

though a portion of my progress has come about through frustration. 

that is my regress. 

i realize that i am all and nothing.

i am something like clay. i can mold to whatever you want me to be and nothing more but if not upheld i will slump to become everything less.

what you see is what you get...but you'll only get what you're willing to see.

this came about from a conversation with an old somebody from howard. they claimed to think i only used them for sex. not true. i used them for nothing. they only came to me for sex and they got what they came for. i had to explain to them that if they had come for wisdom or advice, they would have received just that. you have not for you ask not.

im not the kind of guy to give anything without prompt.

you want a listening ear; talk.

you want a friend; befriend

you want a fuck; be fuckable

you want wisdom; give wisdom

you want a boyfriend; be a girlfriend.

its all very simple people.

just fucking keep up. i'm getting highly annoyed with having to slow down for you. seriously.

this is my progress.

dumbass.

another return.

one of the places i've been most comfortable is on stage.

in front of a crowd.

today i met with this old friend again.

it was an odd reunion. 

i did my part.

received applause. 

all that shit. 

but i wasnt comfortable.

 

and i didnt know why until i left the homeless shelter.

last time, i felt such a connection with the homeless because i thought i was soon to be one.

and now...i know im not.

but thats not important.

the important part is...im getting people saved through a ministry that i hardly practice.

i dont go to church.

i dont pray.

im a heathen. 

and i dont plan on changing.

the minister wants all the people who are in the drama thing to become members of the church and take these classes to do so.

i refuse.

thus, this might be the end of my short lived acting career. 

sigh. oh well.

in other news.

i'm HIGHLY disappointed in some of my fellow bloggers.

seems that the pastime that we shared with one another isnt important enough to keep indulging in. 

people suck.

strike 3.

these past few weeks have a reoccurring theme.

being the literal person i am, i tend to overlook the metaphors of life.

so looking back--i could slap myself for having missed it.

im going to cease struggle.

im not fighting for friendships.

im not begging for support.

i will do with my life as i see fit for me and me alone.

today has shown me that no matter how much you:

forgive

trust

love

hate

confide

need

any person, the only one who can keep your dreams alive is yourself.

for a long time i lived without a dream.

without hope. 

and recently i have found my dream. and even more recently i found a way to acquire that dream.  

of course, it was soon shot down.

but i refuse to let this dream get deferred. even if i have to live out this dream in solitude.

if friends are lost.

if family vanishes.

if all human interaction with anyone i ever cared about is lost.

i'll be just fine.

and this is something i will do for me.

those who want to be

will.

period.

yes.

i feel the need to say something to you.

no, dear love, i do not hate you.

you were there when i needed you and that is something i can never forget.

but we have grown.

i, into more of myself.

and you, into more of your own entity.

but we have grown possibly apart.

this doesn't mean my love for you has faded

nor does it make my longing for you any easier

but i cannot have you in the ways i wish

due to our roadblock named "distance"

sigh.

but as you enjoy your freedom of me

as you lavish in the world without my constant pessimistic voice

i know you have enjoyed our time apart.

thus i must admit,

in my growth, i have grown to enjoy my solitude

long days in my room

meditation

music

a pen

and pad.

i wont say i no longer need you

but i will confess that i will live without you if ever we shall part for good.

do not take this letter as a goodbye

or take its contents and confuse them with "he love me not"s.

for neither are the case. you have my heart. and my thoughts.

oh dear blog, how it pains me to say these words to you.

but, once again, i must bid thee adieu.

adieu.

-your once avid blogger.

pushed in a freezing pool of water.

i had a dream.

well two. 

1.i was in a horrible car accident. knocked off the highest level of a building and fell to what should have been my death. out of three people...only i lived.

i guess its interpretation could be how i live through  things far out of my control.

but.

2. i walked with who seemed to be a professor to some kind of meeting. we get there and it seemed like i was some sort of great mind that many listen to. so as we are leaving i realize how cold it is. freezing in the London town. so cold, in fact, that there are frozen puddles of water in the street. some of which aren't frozen solid but have large blocks of ice floating in them.

the british man i was walking with pushes me in one. but my heavy jackets and snowpants keep me from hypothermia. i look back at the man and he stands nude in front of me and jumps in.

our conversation begins.

i soon wake up having all the answers to the problems that troubled me.

i asked what might the subliminal message had been.

a friend told me that the dream was telling me to relinquish my need for security (my jacket).

there was nothing i could do after my push into the pool so why fight it.?

there is nothing i can do to undo my troubles in life...so why am i fighting.?

the words "cease struggle" replay in my mind.

i have. or will, rather.

somethings i want to happen more than likely wont.

things that i dont want to happen are definitely going to

and i cant control neither.

so i'm going to enjoy my dip into deathly waters.

and thus far, it looks like i'm gonna have to enjoy them alone.

change of p.o.v

i wake up every morning with the sun beaming on my face.

i reach out next to me, no one is there. my eyes open to the white brick wall in front of me.

check my phone. its still early, no text. no missed calls.

i roll over. my reflection stares back at me. our eyes meet.

its a sad story.

they're full of many emotions. 

the flame..the ambition that used to run me. the dancing fire that used to live in my eyes has died.

the unhappiness usually swells and festers for hours. i fall back asleep and wake up sometime after noon. i find a few "good mornings" and maybe a facebook message.

then, most of my day is spent in solitude. 

the night is spent the same. maybe a phone call here or there. 

but mostly, somber movies ease me to sleep.

all to wake up and do the same nothing all over again.

the point of this entry shares the same point of my life currently: none.

realism.

tarrance sits and recaps on a conversation with his bestfriend.

he recalls the hurtful but very true words of this ever wise and ever rational person.

"tarrance, you have to see things as they are. take your damn shades off and stop seeing the world in a darker tint BUT keep everything in perspective. realistically, most things wont go your way. realistically, people are going to hurt you, disappoint you, and kill you on the inside. you know this. so why the hell are you so surprised when it keeps happening.? records show where the majority of your pain comes from. records show that you keep opening yourself up to it. look, its ok to let people in. its ok to be human. but only a fool makes the same mistake multiple times. you're a fool. a damned fool at that. i'm not telling you to let anyone go. but i am telling you that if you keep certain people around, they will...i repeat, they WILL hurt you yet again. lets be frank here my nigga: if she wanted you like she says, she'd have you. if she loved you like she says, you wouldn't have to question it. and, simply put, things will clearly NEVER be as they once were. hell, you two probably wont get back together. so why set yourself up for the okedoke...again.? stop being a dumbass. wake up. she doesnt want you. period. stop being a pessimist with words and a optimist with actions. you're causing your own demise. remain netural, step back, analyze the situation and understand your position. you're the old anomaly in her fresh new life. you're old news to be tossed in the wind like a read newspaper. in the year of Obama, you're 9-11. still monumental but not to be dwelled upon. understand.?"

he understood.

so, yet again, he has undergone change. 

not for anyone but himself.

self preservation is his goal now. the virtue of selfishness as Ayn Rynd taught him.

and his mentality, neutral. 

how else is he to live.?

thus, he embarks on a journey of realism.

in other news, he has begun his book.

it was somewhat post-poned because he didnt know how it would end.

and now, sadly, he does.

it is a bittersweet occasion. he only hopes that his pain can translate into dollar signs.

the filler.

a flustered tarrance sits and thinks to himself late one night, 

"you dont need me. you say you do but the truth is...i'm just an extra in your black book.

if i were to disappear you'd miss me for a while. possibly cry. but we both know its what you want. what do you want.? its not me. it never really was. no matter what you say. me as a person. nah. maybe the smug emotions i have to offer. maybe the soul i so willingly bare. but not me. not Tarrance Bernard Foster II. and in due time, you'll prove to yourself how right i was. how right i've always been. its only a matter of time until you can find someone else to keep your attention. a few weeks. a month maybe. all the while you drag me along on this horrible and annoying ride. and as you've known me to wait before, i dont think my clock is on pause anymore."

he grimaces with disgust and walks away from his mirror

though...it wasn't his own face he stared at. 

search begins.

Tarrance sits in a booth in chick-fil-a.

he festers on his loneliness. his hermit life.

he hates it. but he lives it.

he realizes that hes sick of posting the same thing reworded.

so he continues to put off his duties towards his blog.

he searches for a new outlook on life.

he searches for a reason to smile.

he searches for company.

he searches for companionship. 

he searches for the purpose behind his endlessly troublesome life.

depression session.

it was something our young blogger had grown used to doing: waking up and not finding any motivation to move.
so he didnt. he rolled around in his new room all day.

instantly, he knew what this was. and he knew he couldn't fight it.
he searched his phone desperately for a savior..but they had all gone on with their lives.
lives to be lived without him. lives where his value would slowly dwindle.

he was at the mercy of his depression.
and he had to face it; alone.
he became so desperate that he grabbed something he hadnt touched in over a year: a tv remote.
old cartoons entertained him. x-men. 2 stupid dogs. swat kats. static shock. avatar.
for hours he numbed himself by means of this idiot box.

it was 9.37 at night and the bottoms of Tarrance's feet hadnt even touched the ground so he decided to change that.
the sun had risen and fallen by now and everything was dark. yet, he managed to stumble into the kitchen to salvage week old chinese food. after nearly gagging to death, he tossed the food and returned to his bed making a pitstop in the bathroom.

he looked into the mirror. he saw a face he recognized.
stale. cold. angry. numb. sad.
he knew why his face betrayed these emotions. before, he couldnt tell.
but now he knew and he planned to do something about it. hiding his emotions had already become second nature, he realized after seeing Shanika for the last time and not shedding a tear.

he had changed. but it was necessary to live the life he has.
he wondered if anyone would understand. if anyone would see beyond their own selfishness to care. if he could see beyond his own selfishness to change back.

the recovering failure dressed himself.
true religion jeans. v-neck shirt. nike blazers. shades.
he drove around the corner to the club "figure 8".
a place he despised but almost gravitated to. there was no line...he walked right in.

it was packed. hot. musty. coon music. he grimaced to himself.
he saw bitches bent over. picked up. screaming. laughing. drinking. smoking.
he saw niggas bending bitches over. standing behind them. enjoying themselves.
nothing interested him. not even the music. standing with folded arms amidst a swarming crowd, he attracted more than the attention he wanted.
bitches bent over in front of him. thongs showing. tits out. he wasn't impressed.

"oh, you gay huh?" one ass showing female asked him.
"no. i just dont think i'd like to dance with you." he responded calmly.
"huh. speak up nigga its loud in here."
he laughed at her. she was a decent looking female. nice body pratically naked. cleavage. thigh. stomach. she bagan to jump to the song playing in the background. her tits tried to keep up.

"and she wants to be respected. every male in this club only want to put his dick on her and touch her, but she wants respect. respect this hoe, tarrance. respect her." he looked at her face and not her body. "foolish. i bet she think shes sexy. you dont have to be naked to be sexy dumbass. cover yourself up. leave some mystery. what the hell am i gonna buy a whopper for if i can have half of it now.? you're not sexy broad. sit down." he shook his head at her while thinking these thoughts.

"what chu shakin yo head for.? you dont like this song.?"
"no. i dont."
"fuck wrong with you.? how you not like gucci and oj.?"
"easy."
"ugh. goodbye."
"i never said hello."
she walked off. her ass followed.
"this is why i hate the club," he reminded himself. he left.

driving. he reminded himself of the past two weeks. why he was angry with people. why he hated them. and he didnt have the energy to hate them or forgive them. he was indifferent about everything.
"will it work.? why did she...? the fuck was she thinking...? why would he? i wonder...? i didnt mean to...but. what if...how could..."
but every question he could ask himself ended with the same answer: "does it matter now.? does my anger, or sorrow, or regret, or anguish.? fuck it."

he realized he wasnt over things he claimed he was.
he realized he was still very angry.
he realized he was hurt.
he realized he was jealous.
he realized he was sad.

but he didnt care.
and his depression session began to end.

dela rosa.

our young writer closes his eyes.
he envisions himself walking a path. trees surround him. the road is unpaved and rocky.
carnivorous beast surround him but do not attack.
he walks alone...even his shadow has refused to follow. God has forsaken him.

he is unarmed. only his thoughts serve as weapons.
he walks the path untraveled.
the road less beaten.
everyone told him to go the other direction.
except one.

but he ignored their warnings.
he did as he saw fit..not for anyone else. but for himself.

he recalled a conversation with a distant friend

"why would you do that.? thats so stupid, tarrance. i know you know that."
"you're right. but Jesus walked the dela rosa to clean your shortcomings. to erase your fuck-ups. wasn't that stupid too.?" he replied.

it made sense.
and thus he began his journey.

the end. or. the beginning.

thoughts swarm as the young writer sits in a Wendy's to begin the first entry of his "new" blog.

"where to start.? how.? why bother.? i haven't the strength."

anger engulfs him as he sighs heavily. he makes a phone call for some reassurance but hangs up before it rings. no one can help him now. no one.
it is a fact that he has long known but has refused to acknowledge.
he wonders how he got here. clenching his teeth he relives the past year of his life.

"its got to be my karma. thats the only reason."

he begins.
he has regained his spartan reserve. blank face. hidden eyes. hair matted.

things had begun to look up for our hero. he was finally content with life. not happy but content.
besides from the fact that by the end of the month he'd be totally alone again, he was okay.

he began to look for other things to do. putting off this very blog...trying to tuck away his emotions. he realized that he had no escape.

he began.
and then...a phone call came.
a call he expected but didnt want.
a call he wanted but didnt expect.
a call that made him angry and smile simultaneously.
a call that he almost rejected.

"tabula rasa" repeated in his head. it means new start in sawhili. clean slate.
he answered. silence.
he knew what it meant. the call spoke for itself.

thoughts rushed to his head.
"is it possible for someone to hate and love the same person. not a playful hate but to seriously hold disdain for them.? is it possible for one to hate and love with the same heart.? what matters beyond one or the other.?"

then stevie wonder sings, "what am i supposed to do? sit up waiting for you...but if you really love her..."

love: its such a fragile thing. if it exist at all. it doesnt.
"so what makes me stay? ignorance. foolishness. no...its not those. i know who i am.
Tarrance Bernard Foster II. better than the first but worse than the next. not the man i want to be but not the boy i was. i live an unfair life. i live a painful life. but what makes me stay to endure.? is it love? is it compassion? is it cause i do have the very vessel that makes the strong strong and the weak weak? no.
its none of this. what makes me love, what makes me endure is the fact that i am weak. i cannot make it alone so i leach onto others. and my weakness has given me more heartache than anything else. i am a man. but i am weak."

and with these words he wondered if his next endeavor would be the way of the weak or the way of the strong. to let the beginning reset or let the end remain.
strong or weak.
only time will tell...

shift.

[distractions are coming from every direction]
focus.

ok.
within the past few days i've grown tired.
and in my exhaustion i've found my strength.

this fall should be good for me.
everyone is leaving...again.
i'll be alone...again.
giving me time to really focus on the only person that matters: me.


that leads me to wonder...
who am i.?
well. i know who i am
i dont think you, the readers, do.
none of you do.
none of you know how much i despise you.
or how much i love you.
or how much i might need your support.


speaking of which: i received some much needed words of support.
not from who i had wish it was but nonetheless.
it was the motivation i needed.
it was the smile i needed.

life isn't yet "ok"
its still dark in the daytime
but
i'm managing.
i'm learning to deal with things in a different way.
loss. heartache. hate. disdain.
things that could lead to depression no longer have a hold on my emotions.
people who have thrown me into this hole no longer have a hold on my emotions.
possibly because i'm forcing emotions out of my life.
"think logically," i often hear myself saying under my breath.

its a shift that i need.
something thats almost impossible for a cancer such as myself but...i'm trying.
and its working.

this fall should be interesting.
seeing who really wants to be a part of my life
and who lets things slip away.

thoughts are weapons. im using them.
words only go so far.
actions are deceiving.
seeing as how i can only read my thoughts...i can only trust myself.

a shift well received.

something new.

i went to my high school today.
spoke to a few teachers.
a few words stand out in my mind.

"sometimes a man has to be a man."
"YOU MOVED OUT?!?!"
among other things.

a man who i consider to be very insightful told me i should switch up the writing style of my blog.
less emo so to speak.
i've been wanting to do so for a while; now i have my chance.

this past week was spent in myrtle beach.
soon as i get the pictures i'll change the background to this old depressing site.
yea. time for something upbeat.

(sorry imposed a.d.d.)
but yea, myrtle beach was wonderful.
sun. sand. waves. friends. all wonderful.

i'm kinda scatterbrained.
so i'll take my time and come back later with my thoughts in order.

the ultimatum.

i haven't the correct song for the moment.
well...i did but it wont give me the full song.
"hope she'll be happier" bill withers.

so i question myself:
can i make her happy.? can i bring a smile again.?
i thought: yes. and i will.

that was at 5am. i had broken through my insecurities and was ready to do something.
and when i told this to her she did what i should have expected:
shot me down.
i'm actually too [insert word here] to repeat what she said.

but basically, after her verbal lashing, if i decided to give up on my plan to make her smile again she'd leave for good.

lets ponder on that for a second.
tarrance has plan
tarrance gets excited
tarrance shares excitement with shanika
shanika shoots tarrance down
shanika doubts tarrance
shanika stomps on tarrance
shanika demands tarrance to carry out his plan.
makes sense right.?

fucking wrong.
so i left her house. went to walmart for an oil change.
i just needed air. space.
then i needed to pack for myrtle beach...

side note: i'm not excited for this trip anymore. its a lost cause. i skipped out on a Kid Cudi concert with a wonderful friend to indulge in the long awaited trip. but now...i already know how its gonna go. Kolen and his girl are gonna be booed up. Shanika and her phone are gonna be doing the same. Tarrance will indulge in the moonlit beach alone.
oh joy. wtf.
end side note.

sigh.
i'm not even angry anymore. it hurts. it sucks. but im not mad. nor sad.
disappointed. yeah.
but i knew it would be something. its always something. either its her or i'm simply being overlooked due to the romantic/sexual passes of the members of her phone book.
right.


8pages.
eight pages of pictures on facebook of us together.
and this is what its come to.

an ultimatum.

fuck you.

the more i get my hopes up.
the more i get let down.
"the wisest men know better than to have high hopes."

i always factor in worse case probability. i always include it. think about it. dwell on it.
and still i find the gall to hope. or i reduce myself to an ignorance beneath myself.

ignorance. thats all hope is.
the shear desire for something highly unlikely to happen though it is almost certain the the opposite will.
the same goes for faith. ignorance at its most bliss

i am disappointed.
i was high with hope. and that particular bad drug has given me the worst headache.
i musnt indulge any longer.
i musnt reduce myself to the low life of an hope addict.
i simply musnt.

so to hope.
to those who believe in hope.
to those who shatter mine time after time.
to those who give me false hope.
to those i once had faith in.

fuck you.

the doors.

the sun has just begun to peek over the Gary, Indiana apartment buildings.

my breath still taste like weed. and my ability to read haunts me.



recently, things have been looking up. going the direction i wanted, for once.

but two days ago that door slammed in my face. surprise, right.? (of course not.)



(the text messages start. one from a girl who claims to think she loves me though she has a boyfriend that shes quite happy with. and the other from a female who i would date if we weren't both carrying so much baggage.)
so as my daily texters make their entrances into my day i inspect each one.

one has a boyfriend so what progression is to be made.? "friend" is fine. i dont want anything more.

another is slightly bipolar. one wrong txt sends her off the deep end. i dont have the patience.

a third is a stripper. enough said.

this one has just as many emotional ties to their ex as i do. i could be wrong, but that doesnt seem like a good combo.

lastly, my least avid txter seems to only be interested when its convinent for her and otherwised interested in many of other fellas. of course, i only come to this conclusion from what my cursed eyes have told me.

so. as i close a few doors. or leave some cracked. or have them closed on me, i reacall my sister saying something.
"dont deal with none of them bitches. take time for you."
interesting. no women.? that means no dates...no sex...no late night convos.
(sounds something like the last half of my previous relationship.)

so this is what i've decided: i will let my emotions remain stale. those who will be interested will stay. some will leave. i've already placed my bets on who will do what and its not looking good. in the end...only my first two loves remain...music and writing.

the sun peeks its way inside for its last glance past these doors..

thought.

dont trust people.

i mean. trusting one or two with a few things is understandable.
but trusting one with everything. or more than one with anything at all is pure foolishness.

i made the mistake of taking someone around the people i considered "friends".
guys i've known for six years.
2 out of 3 have gond behind my back to make a move. i found out and simply made my knowledge known.
the third (who i've foolishly trusted with everything) has turned against me with the assumption that i've been "talkin' shit" about him.

there is only one other person who i trust with everything.
a person who will not only remain nameless but will also be punished because of the mistakes of these others.

i have no reason to return to "Walden Park"
and i dont plan on doing so for the sake of "friends"

...i hope i can say the same for a few others.

4.31

in the morning that is.
i sit poolside, once again.
ready to endure the storm ahead.

though my vacation was somewhat turbulent, i have found calm skies.
if only i could reach them....

i have alot of mending to do upon my return.
friendships to renew. hearts to mend.

being away was nice.
made people miss me. made people want me. made people vocal about both.
the vacation itself. 4.5 stars. orlando is a wonderful place [minus its drivers.]
i find myself wanting to stay out of georgia and still wanting to start anew.

the opportunity to do so is well within sight.

reading "atlas shrugged" i see the person i want to be.
its really a wonderful book...after the first 1oo pages...and before the other thousand. [smh]
but its an endeavor i'm totally enjoying. learning is fun.
i wish i had a deeply philosophical mind to share this knowledge with.

4.4o.
i must go.
"time waits for no man. no woman wants a man with time on his hands.

lets see.

i haven't had internet for the past couple of days. but that hasnt stopped me from blogging...just posting.
re-reading my last intended post...i've decided against it.
too many emotions. too many possibly hurt feelings.

so i sit poolside at trudy's apartment watching the sun quickly disappear behind black clouds which quickly produce rain.
its relaxing. the water hitting the water. the danish i just ate. the orange juice.
everything is oddly serene. and...i'm at peace even in the midst of a downpour. while others panic and run for cover....i remain..i chill.

my life is nothing but chaos. move here. go there. job elsewhere. come here. pay this. get that. you need other...
but...right now...i'm ok. i dont know where my next meal is gonna come from. or where i'm gonna live...though i hate the instability...i'm managing.

i'm single and hating it. even the attention from those that want to be in is a nucience.
i can barely finish a txt before i get another one coming in.
some of them demand CONSTANT attention.
but being that i'm lonely so much these days i dont mind giving for the constant return.

shanika and i have finally made amends. its safe to say things are back on the right track.
the "others" hardly matter anymore. i think we've accepted the fact that our lives might stay filled with other people forever just because of who we are.
we're the guy/girl that everyone likes.
our relationship started with it being just us. a few close friends..but hardly that.
just D!va & iPod. who could tell us anything..? nobody. we were the best. period.

but things have changed.
people have changed.

the storm has ceased since i began typing this...
maybe my life will look up in the same way...such is life.
and i'm at peace with that now. it hurts...but i'm dealing.

so lets just see.
((this post took over 3 hours. smh))

the fuel.

yet again. smirnoff in hand.

bottle 5, i believe.
depression keeps me more coherent than i'd like to be.

i think about everything.
and realize..i have no motivation.

once, anger fueled me.
then, love kept me going.
then determination
then rebellion.
but now...nothing.

i have nothing to rebel against.
i have no determination.
i have no love.
i have no anger.

all i have is sorrow and forced emotionlessness.

i try to help everyone.
to be the shoulder/ear for every person in the world.
because everyone needs that.

but the same people i listen to, never listen.
i have issues. plenty.
more than most.

but i listen.
and am never heard.

people see that i'm depressed and say
"oh, you can talk to me about anything..."
"i'll always be there for you."
"i really do care."

and they might. but they'll never understand.
and if they do...they'll be hurt by the words that i say....sadly, i'm no longer the person who can hurt others in such a way.

i've changed.
and it wasnt a good change.

with no ears.
no shoulders.
and no motivation outside of these bottles...

i find myself on the side of the highway
with no fuel.

looks like i'm hitchhiking again.

depression drinking.

i sit here. smirnoff in hand.
brain tingling. alone. but my music had kept me company.

i have given chase for far too long.
and i thought. rabbits are chased by hunters.
kids are chased by dogs.
criminals are chased by police.

none of those being chased want to be caught...so why am i still pursuing.?
an even better question would be: why am i being eluded in the first place.?

both are questions i have no answer to. and both are highly infuriating.

"i know you love me still..." i txted to her
"No." she responded.
"...you dont love me anymore.?"
"..."

so it seems her love for me has been forgotten.

and this is the woman who once swore her everlasting love for me.
interesting, right.?

who knows where this will go.?

with each word i type...
with every sip i take...
the more i feel my soul bubbling.
the more i feel my heart choking.
this is my life.

sigh.
here's to you heartache.

pimpin is easy.

i awake in an unfamiliar place. but im comfortable. im relaxed.

i met a woman last night. i believe she was 21 or 22. she stated that she loved fucking skinny guys.
"they're easier to ride."
she knew i was listening. she even smiled at her friend while saying so.
and i realized, "i could lay her on the floor right now and fuck her until her boyfriend comes to get her."
i was tempted to do just that. but i refrained.

my mind takes me back to the mall where i was just hours before hand.
it reminds me of all the women (and men =/) that stared me down as i passed them.
and...i got annoyed. so annoyed that i took a few numbers with me.

i left the mall with a total of eight numbers...some of which belonged to two girls...and more of which wanted to "hang out"that night..within that hour.
then it hit me: being single is too easy. i can grab any female out of the mall...fuck them...send them home to their men..and do it again. whenever i want.

most men would love to live like that..we all know i'm not most men. i enjoy the challenge of a relationship. the fights. the love. the emotions. i miss it. i've been single for 3months. and i'm bored already.

and though i could be with somebody...right now...i know i'm not ready. i'd kill the relationship before it even got off the ground. comparing them to her. hell, i do it now.
and even with all her flaws...she still manages to topple most of the competition.

and yet.
enter the real potential. the two i believe can really stand their ground and produce a relationship that could match the one i was in.

i'm going to mGm today. should be fun.
where all the hoes at.?

options.

i have thoughts.
though they may be altered by the night
their basis and foundation is quite stable.

1.people are easily understandable. but, with this being said it can be understood that people do things to be misunderstood...you know, to keep their motives unknown. lying is a great example of this... i've encountered many lies recently. and even more deceit. but i ignore things or simply leave them be. in many cases, i simply dont have the strength to bring it up...i'll snap one day.

2.i'm a pretty decent guy. according to quite a few people, i'm great. since i've been single quite a few "options" have made themselves known. crushes. exes. "friends". and it makes me wonder...i know shes not comin back...so how do i move on.? how do i live.? or do i remain as close as possible hoping to reconnect...knowing of him...and the things i know.?

3.love is foolish. love is blind. love is evil. and as a good friend of mine once said "love isn't real."

i want to write a sacrifice story. i've done quite a bit of it...
i want sex. i dont think i'll be waiting any longer.

i probably shouldnt be thinking of these things on my vacation...


for now, my mind will rest. i think.
though, it is troubled.
thanks love.

the reader.

i see things.
things people dont think i do.
things i probably shouldnt.

paranormal things.
lies.
souls of the living.

i can read.
people.
it comes from my extreme note of details.
i know when i've hurt somebody.
i know when someone has been hurt.

but not many can say the same about me.

but as i said.
i can read.

and what i've read contradicts what she has said.
lies. deceit.
she once told me that whens shes in an intimate setting of one or two more people she hates to txt because its rude.
but when its just us, what i believe to be the most intimate of settings, she responds to everything he says.
-contradiction-

whats worse.
i know thats shes going to mississippi to see him. and when she does i doubt she'll respond to anything i say.
hopefully she'll go while im in orlando so i wont be so upset with the neglect.

i can read.
people.
souls.
and your character says i've lost my place in your book.
sometimes...it matters not what the author says behind that.

decision made.

last night.
i sat and evaluated my life. my failure of a life.

i had come to the conclusion that i would stay in georgia and work this new job...get back into saint leo and work my way up to being the teacher i want to be. done with college by 25...master's degree. working on a PhD. i could...can still do it.

i even wrote a story about that life.
hated it. trashed it.
dorian called me...and i had to call her back.

it was a little after midnight.
and i was content with my decision.
so i called shanika. a few times actually.
no answer. not even a "goodnight."
i wanted to tell her my plan. make her a part of it.
but no.

then i began to wonder...i began to think harder.

i began to think of the sacrifices.
i began to think of everything.
i got angry. but i didnt let it show. i bottled it up and put it in the deep freezer with all the other bottles of couped up emotion.
i'm getting better at not showing emotion at all. positive or negative.

i figure the best way to deal with life is to show that you have no weakness.
maybe this is called getting over.
sorry...
so yea...i thought. and thought. and pondered. and brewed. and fumed. and clenched my teeth.

every emotion in my body was spilled on the bedroom floor.
i mopped it up and called dorian back.
we vented to eachother as we often do.

her ex makes her feel no better. i find it interesting...
she soon fell asleep. i let her rest.

the song "wait in vain" came on.
and i reneged on my decision.

so.
sunday. i leave for orlando. if not. wensday night.
i'll go. i'll leave. escape this world. start anew. redeem myself. be who i want.
because...i believe i deserve it.

i mean.
i'm a pretty decent person.
i dont hate without reason.
i love strongly.
i care dearly.
i sacrifice often.
i deserve to live.
and so i will.

i'm going to orlando. i'll stay for a week or two. enjoy myself. and do these job interviews.
and if i get one...i'll quit this job here and move into a motel until i can get an apartment.

thats it. thats my decision.

i did what to see her one last time. but she made it clear that it wouldnt matter much.
she hasnt asked me to...and im tired of throwing myself to her to be greeted with rejection.
...she wouldnt even tell me that she missed me.
...this must be what its like to be the "other" man.

and so my mind has been made. nothing will stop me.
no tears. my own or otherwise. nothing.
and sadly...i dont think she'd even try.

all i need is a good 2oo$. and i'm out.

a new start.

so.
they say God works in mysterious ways. maybe this is true.

maybe i had to lose everything to consider this:
i have a friend who wants to set me up with a job in florida.
of course, if i get the job(s) orlando will be my new place of residence.
that means letting go of everything that i've grown fond of.
this city. these people. this love.

but.
i need to be a man.
i need to get out on my own.
gain my independence.
fight on my own.
and, for once, fight for myself.
and no one else.

maybe in the midst of doing that i can kill my insecurities.
and maybe...just maybe...

its hard to say goodbye.
but maybe i need to.

maybe its time to walk away from all that i know.
its what i'm used to. i've done it so much that its no big deal.
but...with a few things leaving too...whats left to keep me here.

so like i said.
maybe its a good thing that everything has been stripped from me.
had everything still been intact i'd probably be reluctant to go.
like i was with the air force...

but maybe this
this new start...maybe it'll do something positive.

what do i have to lose.?
i'm rambling.

ya kno.
sometimes i get brave.
i feel like i can take on the world.
i believe nothing can hurt me and that im at my best.

for a split second today
i had that feeling.
..a real split second.

but a few things changed that.
i wont say what
and we all know who.

i thought i was strong.
i thought i could handle this.
i thought being the good friend would be easy.

even though she still calls me "loml"...i feel like i've been replaced.
like i've lost the war.

the good news is
im used to it now. so it doesnt hurt as bad.
ultimately the happiness of others will always come before mine.
so i swallow my pain and handle it with a calm face.

its hard.
but i will forever stand tall.

dried wells

"and here we go."

how do i feel right now...
there isn't a word that can encompass the totality of these feelings.

but through my swarm of emotion my brain is functional...fully.
i can no longer think with my heart or emotions as my cancer nature permits.

the relationship i had
is nothing more than a sweet memory now.

as she has played with the flock of penis having vultures
giving them false hopes and sky high dreams
she has managed to neglect me further.
the heart has called for her
the soul has longed for her

and she has rejected them both
but invited others in
all while pushing me out.

i'll admit:
my...jealousy of her new object of affection has altered my judgment on many a night.
but...i wanted her time. her attention. her txt. her calls..that actually consisted of conversation.
but i recieved none of those.
lorenzo did. and now she likes him..."alot alot."

things she used to say to me she says to him.
"pumpkinhead"
and i'm "irrelevant"

i read these things.
was i wrong for reading them.?
yes.
was she wrong for saying them.?
no. not if she would have told me the same thing.
did she.?
no.

whats the point, tarrance?

the point is:
our entire relationship i have blamed myself for all of our issues.
a. she was miserable at school because i was too needy and tried to be selfish all the time.
b.she was too busy for me because i had too much free time for her
c.she had to play the "man" because i was too broke to do so.
d.she woulda went to maryland and made our relationship harder because i couldnt get back to howard.
e.she hates me now because im too focused on how much she likes lorenzo.
the list goes on and on.
i always took the blame. and i changed myself to fix all of that.

i made myself busy. i got a job. i got a vehicle. i tried to stop caring.
but
the fact is...its her fault.

she barely waited for us to break up to find a new fling.
she kept busy because she had no clue about what she wanted to do.
she decided to still go to maryland and put our relationship on the back end even though i had planned on enlisting to provide for her.
i thought about us she thought about her.
i gave everything i had. she gave money.

but i loved her anyway.
and i always will. my heart is stubborn. i'm ok with that.

she selfishly let me go.
but has the aducity to mention marriage.
there is no common ground. and marraige is based on such.
at the end of the day...
shanika rena veal simply doesnt want me.
she claims not to want anyone..but that matters not.

she said something interesting.
she said i didnt know her.
..thing is...she doesnt either.
no one does.

she doesnt exist because she is everything and then she is nothing.
"walking contradiction"

she has walked away from me.
leaving me cold. hurt. wet. broken.
she has moved on though she will deny it.

i must do the same.
in my own twisted way.
a way i fear might hurt more than help.

she has moved on.

and though the well of love i have for her has been used up.
though my heart is dry.
though my bucket empty and hers full
there is still a reserve.

because i still love her. and i probably always will no matter how many times she kills me.
i'm a fool.

and my foolishness is hurting another.

[[i had more to say. but i've calmed down much since reading that i am irrelevant and the lowkey sex talk and the "like you"s. i'm thinking logically. and logically i'm still very upset. hurt. angry. confused. i've been played. punk'd. duped. whatever you want to call it. i've smoked more in the past week than i have in my life. i can feel the asthma weighing down my breathing. i havent slept in three days. i'm a mess(anthony hamilton). but like a toy solider, my face will not crack from behind my shades. my eyes tell a story. a sad story. the story of my soul...and i cannot name many that will see my eyes ever again. they do not deserve that story. and if they do...i do not trust them with it. as i will trust no being with this slow beating organ. the great wall of china has been erected and it is being protected by every weapon korea has and a japenese army.]]

love is dead.
my ample amout of that substance is deathly short.
the well has dried.
as have my eyes.

how can i ever love again (also anthony hamilton)
i cant.

-fin

change.

i'm still not sure how i should catergorize this phenonom.
i hate it
i need it.
i want it..

but it only comes in the areas where i dont need it to be.

this place.
it hasnt changed.
at all...except for the addition of an "ingles".
i heard stories of my old friends.
all either expecting, with child or married.
none of them left.

girls i used to date
are married.
girls that used to crush on me
are fat.

it was surreal.
i've been gone so long.
changed so much.
evolved.
and this place hasn't been touched by time.

i laughed my shock
and disappointment off.
my heart sank.

something that change should have raped.
was left unmolested.

but something that was once considered "pure" and "everlasting"
has changed. drastically.
though it is said to still be the same.

this is called a lie.
a false reality.
a parallel world.

for change has defaced something that was beautiful.
tokyo. paris.
lights gone. tower destroyed.
change. change. change.
clearly has bad aim.
and a worse choice in judgment.

the change.
the one who once lived in this once beautiful land.
moved. found something new.

and what am i to do?
like Robert Nevelle in "I Am Legend"
i stay.
and endure.
and fight my demons.
alone.

change.
actually. that previous statement is regression. return to something that i thought i had escaped.
right.

change.
fuckin thanks obama.

the circle.

initially, i had planned on doing something new.
i was gonna post some celebrity gossip. and pictures of all the failing relationships in the media.

i got bored with the idea...quickly.

instead. i'll tell you about my night.
i went around the corner to see an old friend.

a friend who also thought he had escaped this hell.
this black hole that not many have escaped.

i left for six years. only to fall back here on my ass.
he was gone for five. had his own apartment. but one of the inhabitants of this hell found him and forced him back, being the cause of his eviction.

so here we both are.
in front of his house.

me with black in hand: indulging in cancer
him vividly acting out the fights hes been in.

the sky was dark but often flashed a bright white
a sign? or an omen?

i left this place knowing there was no reason for me to return.
yet...here i am.
three dollars to my name.
half a tank of gas.
no job.
no family.

i often wondered throughout the night if i am doomed to stay here.
if i'll be stuck in one of these bland houses
or worse
a mobile home

working a back breaking job
or two.

i wondered if this is where i'm destined to be.
destiny.

i laugh at the term.
fuck that.
the circle has been complete.
i have returned to that which i've come.
my demons have seen me one last time.

but i will not stay.
i refuse.
i've always hated shapes.
circles and squares more specifically.

how about we stick with a straight line
where i can continue to progress forward...

fuck a circle.
fuck this place.
fuck it all.

i feel like Houdini.
and a dash of fifty cent.

my life depends on my escape from this death trap.
so escape or die trying.

bitch.

these past 13 months, you have given me more than i could have ever asked for, Shanika.

for this, i thank you.

and
i must apologize.

so thank you. and im sorry.


i had so much more to say..but the words escape me in fear of rejection.

in the wind.

...i didnt let her go.

i let her live.

yeah.

i tell myself that to save face.

i love her enough to...force her away i guess.

letting her live. hopefully she'll come back.

but...when have any of my hopes/wishes come true?

right.

life is great. thanks god.

i'll always remember....

discouraged.

i realize.
people tell you what they want you to hear.
they never want you to have the truth. not the whole truth.
not the pain.

truth is:
truth is pain.

i'm not pointing the finger...i'm victim of this too.
and still...i wont get used to it.

example:
she went on a date with the dude who clearly loves her. something you just dont do when you're working on a relationship...but of course whe went..and almost tried to hide it. then wouldnt tell me how it went.

the secrets build..as does my irritation.

i've spent the last three nights at her house..but does she speak to me..?
of course not. she txt chris and lorenzo.
right...cause they're tryn to get at her...and she clearly likes it.

so what do i do?

quit.

i'm at a weird stage in life.
a clown's juggling act comes to mind.
im juggling being a decent and bearable person to a new family. trying to get the love of my life back with me. and not totally shutting out my old family.
those are the three...balls so to speak.
as i toss all three in the air at once...i find myself in a sticky situation.

how to catch them all..and keep them in rotation.
if i let one fall...it'll explode leaving me scared for life.

i had a pretty horrible night. i wont go into detail.
no matter how you try to dress it...rejection hurts.
even if you choose not to call it rejection.

but in this day..i've learned a few things.

1. forgive..or become what you grow to hate.
2. when you change for people, they'll always want you to change back.
3. those who want to be there; will.
4. i freestyle way better when im angry.

so. even tho im totally miserable. even tho my life sucks

but no longer will i burden others with my woe is me party.
i'll keep it for this blog and notes maybe.

though the road is dark now...
streetlights guide me.
and i know i will reach my destination.

even if i must do so alone.

void.

i owe you an update.
much has transpired. but i haven't the words just yet.
nor the strength.

i find that i have motivated some to start blogs.
i love that i can share something so intimate with those close to me.
it makes me smile that others can vent in such a way that has helped me through so many years.

hum.
i'd like to say that the sun i rising...but i fear that as soon as i let the thought escape my day will end.

i havent fully unpacked.
so my room is cluttered. and i cant relax. yet alone focus.
but im alive. and somewhat well. in a place i never wanted to see again.
sacrifices must be made.
hopefully...i will finally meet success and can bid failure adieu.

goodbye.

today has come.
june one.
my eviction.

cynthia came to me the other morning. tears in her eyes and good in her heart.
in my spite, i turned her away only listening when i say her eyes melting pearls.

she wants me to stay in touch. she wants me to know that this isnt easy. she wants me to know she tried. she offered me a place to stay until august but she also told me that i was a factor in her lingering divorce...something i want no part of.
apparently, i am "ten percent" of the their problems. so i decided to leave anyway. if they divorce, it will not be because of me.

so
i've been spending time with people who have meant something to me over the years.

wenseday: Shanika came over. we talked, joked and tried to come to terms with my situation. she had[has been] missing a lot of things going on due to our lack of conversation. [our texting conversation offically sucks b/c of one word responces and the like and phone calls dont exist.] so i filled her in telling her about my air force plan. if i ever felt like she was still mine, that was it. [yet right now, im not as confident.] she left not long after she came..but our conversation was needed and apperciated.

friday: i went to the ELHS graduation. saw some old oh7 grads that i havent seen since we walked across the stage. hung with Ariel, her younger sister and montez. me up with killa later that night. ate at tadzy's. laughed. gave advice. took advice. all until about 2am.

saturday: i met up with neighbor, joel. went to the pool. helped another friend do some work. went back to the pool. drank some "moonshine". got a buzz. smoked some ganja. relaxed my nerves.
for the entire day, i forgot about my problems. i went numb. and i loved every second. more friends came. Jessica Ridgley, Britni...etc. smoked more. drank more. before we knew it, a small get together was a semi party. i was drunk/elevated. and, again, i loved it. it was a night i needed. the only thing missing was some good sex.

sunday: woke up at joel's house. Britni cooked[again, actually]. ate. pool. chill. nap. chill. eat.
and finally, around six, i left to go see somebody i almost dreaded seeing. i didnt dread seeing this person because of who she is but because of how hard saying "goodbye" might be. this person has helped me cope with..everything. she has been what i lacked and did it all just to help me ease my worries. a real friend to say the least. she had a wonderful gift waiting for me. a picture frame with 13[my fav number] pictures of us, the name of our blogs and our government names. we went to get frosties...and after that..we talked. long. and deep.
and to my surprise, it wasn't sad. well not like i thought it was gonna be. it was nice. relaxing. soothing. reassuring. calming. and i loved it.

every person i came in concact with this weekend will be missed.

i dont know how things will go from here.
or where they'll go.

but i'm pretty much at the rock bottom now...[and the cliche goes...]

hopefully, this optomistic shit works...for everything.

t minus 5

yes friends.
only five days left before i will be dropped from this nest prematurely.
i haven't yet learned to fly...but i can coast along the winds.

ironically. the air force will teach me to flap my wings.
[enter heavy sigh here]

my life has become everything i didnt want it to.
...seriously.
now that i've sulked. and moped. and cried. and regretted.

i can finally move on. and i will.

shanika and i are still working on getting things together.
but...we had a talk today. and i was forced to speak on my fear of losing her.
though i dont want her as only a friend. i know thats what i might become.
another ex who is just a friend.

but. knowing that im not the only one scared.
knowing that she still has plans for us.
that she still considers us together[ish].

[[of course i'd still like to get rid of this chris character. but hes her "friend" so i'll leave him be.]]

i have a place to live for the time being.
im a tad worried about what'll happen after i enlist...
hopefully something even more fulfilling will come along first. but if not...
lets just hope that i'm not sent to the middle east.

all in all.
for the moment.
i'm optomistic.

im ok. for now.

clogged.

my words are in a knot.
my brain is constipated.

hence the lack of posts.
i've been going through quite a bit.

with one week left under the roof of my mother/step.father
with 2 weeks of being single after nearly a year of being "married"
with no one to turn to.
with no tears to cry.
with no place to run.
with nothing...at all.

all i can do is let the world turn
and realize:
by shanika,
cynthia
and god...
i have been forsaken.

mister negative.

someone once asked me why i was so negative.
later they reminded me of the reason.


this has happened twice in my life. once was last night.

everything goes wrong. always.
im not going to ga state b/c of my gpa.
so in june [a few weeks] i wont have a place to live.
i am no longer in an relationship.
and instead of cherishing the things that we loved as a couple, this person would rather set boundaries as to what is "ok".

i have, yet again, failed.
in all areas of life.

i have watched as my ex's relationship with on particular male has blossomed.
he adores her.
she claims the feeling isnt mutual.
but
they txt all day.
comment eachother's each and every status.
instant message each time they're both online.
talk on the phone often.

all the comforts and smiles she once gave me...she gives him.
but hes "just a friend."
and i simply have to "get it" that she wants me and not him regardless of her actions.
but im trying to be the friend she needs to make her happy. to give her time to figure "things" out.

i do have one advantage over him: distance.
since her return to ga, i live closer than he does...so driving to see him wont be something that happens often...hopefully.
so im jealous. fucking sue me.

but more than that...im hurt.
with each day that we're not together, the heartache settles more.
the more it settles, the more used to it i get.
she claims we'll get back together...i feel differently.

so i watch as her exes flock back to her
as this new guy clings to her
and as she draws away from me.
all i can do is watch. if i struggle it gets worse.

ironically: my pastor said something the sunday we broke up. "cease struggle."
i struggled to keep what i knew was going to happen from happening..it happened.
im struggling to find a smile. to keep a love alive. to understand "happy". im failing at all of those.

what will be will be.
watching "DejaVu" has reminded me of that. no matter how you try to change things...they will always remain the same. forching change only leads to the same outcome that youtried to avoid.

no matter what: she would have left.
no matter what: she would have him
no matter what: i wouldnt have gotten into gsu
no matter what: i'll still be alone.

there is no real victory for a hero. nor a villian.
this iis why i'm so negative.
and i havent found a person that can give me a reason not to be.

...

i'm pretty angry.
not quite infuriated...yet.

but well beyond pissed.

angrier than i previously thought.
and emotionally disconnected.
so much so that nothin i've written recently has been...even decent.

i can blame plenty of things.
but i wont.
i wont blame nothing more than my own stupidity, needy nature and inquisitiveness.

grey clouds have shown themselves.
and the sun has made its leave.
i have nothing left.
but this anger that runs me.

the plethora.

im not all the way sure what to title this post.
...its a mix of emotions. anger.sadness.confusion.blah.blah.blah.

i looked in the mirror today. and the face i saw. it was one i hadn't seen in quite some time. it was cold. frozen. stiff with anger. a faux anger used to cover the initial pain.

this relationship that i have been in is starting to not only confuse me but annoy me.
one moment she wants a break, the next she wants to leave, then shes crying, then shes mad, then its all nothing.
add that on top of the fact that we hardly ever speak anymore and you have a very tiring situation.
last night she decided she was tired of me. so this morning she initiated a "break" (what i like to call the prelude to the end). hours later she wanted me back.
this up-and-down situation and never knowing what to expect but always getting the short end of the stick has grown old.

she hangs with these guys that we both know have an infaution with her...or had relations with her..and im supposed to be ok with it all. im not supposed to ask questions. i shouldn't be concerned, even though if i dont ask a question she'll never bring up another subject and we'll be left holding a silent phone.hardly do i let my jealously of these particular lucky men even excret from my soul into my inquiries. but i spark conversation asking about her day, the minor details...and i'm at fault.

i cant win.

no matter the predicament, i always lose.
she wants a break...i lose.
she wants to stay but needs space...i lose.
she wants to stay but is still leaving for maryland in months...i lose.
she leaves...i lose.
its not fair...its never been fair.
but i've grown numb. after her theatricals last night. after the neglect from prior times. after the bashing of last week. i'm numb. i wont say that i want her to leave..i dont. still, it feels like i've been doing nothing but enduring. enduring her sporatic fits of unexplained emotion.
i've endured. so when do i get to be happy again? when will my love be recprociated? its been too long.

during my neglect someone has come along to ease the pain. a person who knows my situation, understands and only wants to help. they have. many a night when Shanika has decided to stay out or simply not call or txt for her eversomany reasons, this person has called and kept me company. their all day texting and sweet words have remined my face of my smile. i am grateful.

...then again. there have been many to keep me company in this time. i thank all my wonderful friends.

i keep hearing something. that i'm a great person/son/boyfriend. so why am i at the recieveing end of torment?
i wonder.
i had more to say...this whole post was formulated differently in my mind.

but, it still rings true. with bit of each emotion attached and pain downsized greatly.

i look to the west as the sun sets...and remember my ephiphany.

stab.

as i drove to class today, Shanika and i had a textual conversation.
she thinks this is the end. or it "maybe", rather.

it was raining, not hard. just enough to have to turn the windshield wipers on medium.
i didnt mind though. because as the clouds cried, i did too. i told myself in tenth grade i'd never cry over a female again.
but it hurts so bad. to see nearly a year's worth of sacrifice, time, money, memories, love, arguments, laughs and sweet kisses all go down the drain...really really sucks.

my heart is heavy. my body weak. my mind clouded. nothing is right. but everything is as it should be...otherwise it wouldn't be.
never have i loved so fiercely. with such passion and determination.
it hurts so bad.

but i cant cry anymore. my last tears have fallen. now i grin this painful, halfhearted, sorrowful smile.
i play with the necklace and ring of hers dangling around my neck. i grin.
i remember our first kiss. i grin.
i remember valentines day, christmas, new years, my birthday, her birthday, her sister's birthday. i grin.
i remember missing her while i was in dc. i grin
i remember asking her out so childishly. i grin.
i remember her driving from villa rica to camp creek just to take me home from work. i grin.
i remember how often i gave her my last 20 dollars for gas money. i grin.
i remember how hard it was to save for and make both her build-a-bears. i grin.
i remember how much harder it was to find and save for her purple ipod. i grin.

now the memories are just that. memories, to be written down and soon forgotten with the coming of her next love.
now missing her, simply isnt enough.
now the money is gone.
now the build-a-bears will be tossed into her pile of acquired stuffed animals from over the years.
now her ipod will not hold memories of me...only music.
and soon, it will all be over.

though it is a sad story, indeed, the silver lining MIGHT be: i can finally focus on me (oh joy. how fun that'll be)
i could go into the air force without a second thought.
i could take out a huge loan and go back to howard without feeling like im leaving somebody behind.
i could have more sex.
but
what is a career without somebody to celebrate it with.?
what is a degree in another state without somebody to come home to.?
what is sex without the passion.?

all these thoughts...
its like running a blade through my chest into the very depths of my being.
and i bleed these words.

anger, revisited

for as long as i could remember, anger has all but totally ruined my life.

but after finding love i was able to put my anger aside and think more with my head as opposed to my rage.

upon recent introspection, i found that i was a lot calmer when i was run by anger. and a few recent events have...upset me to say the least.

but im tired. God knows im tired. im tired of letting a select few people say and do whatever it is that they please about, towards and to me.

my relationship is on its last legs. i know she wants to leave. for the past so many days shes hardly even spoken to me. maybe its this needing space thing i hear people say. we have somewhat smothered eachother with txt and phone calls for the past 10 almost 11 months. BUT one would think...well, at least i think that the few states between us is space enough. but who am i to say? im the little bad boyfriend with too many questions and too many insequrities.

my "home" life. fuck it. fuck them. all.
i have planned my escape and once it is enacted. i will not be returning. i will vanish.

my quest for happiness has been postponed. re-routed rather. i had hoped my love would help me to find happiness. it seems as though she is no longer interested. thus, i will embark alone. hoping to find something to ease the bubbling infuration.

until next time. adieu.

maturity.

i have come to find something:
in life, you are not an adult until you stop blaming everyone else and start "taking responsibility" for your own actions/predicament.

i spent all my money therefore i am broke.
i ask too many questions therefore my girlfriend hates me and avoided me all night.
i am a horrible son/student/person therefore my parents want me out of their house
so on and so forth...

...talk about adding salt to an open wound.
depression settles.again.

depression comes

life has knocked me off my small donkey.
back to the ground i go..

what do i have to lose...?
more motivation.

eternal darkness looks wonderful.

because nothing gold can stay.

i feel some kind of way.
deff not happy.
kinda not sad.
indifferent? but i care.
idk...emotions are stupid and should be ignored. yet, im run almost solely off these things.

i had the play today. did ok i guess. i felt better in practice. not sure why.
we performed for the homeless. got a lot of em saved. it felt really good to be a part of something so pivotal in someone's life. possibly the best thing i've ever given a homeless person.
the sad thing is...when i looked into the faces of the audience...all i could see was myself. with every glance, i saw a future me.. a failure. a struggling nameless nobody, too down and out to pick myself up and fix my life.
maybe its a good thing i could relate to my crowd...but i hated it.
bittersweet experience.

and of course, the girlfriend set everything off.
but because i don't want to bore you with my emotional and illogical babble, i'll keep it short:
i think she wants to be single again.
also, i think, she thinks she is.

im not sure because shes not returning my text...

so it seems grey turns back into black.

hypocritical ways

can an actor be a hyprocrite?
can someone whose purpose is to portray someone else be accused of being something they're not?

i feel this way. but maybe its my "divine calling". i mean, i didnt search for this opportunity. i kinda fell in my lap

story: my sister been doin this church play thing for a few months now [again trying to be like her big brother.]. she needed a ride to the church one day. of course, my parents being the people they are, i was volunteered. get there sit down, halfway listen to whats going on. some guy writes a play about a man with baggage (his sinful ways) but he cant get the ending. me being the guy that i am, i decide to use my talents to help the old man. i write an ending. they love it. eat it up. used it.
so we go back next week. not by choice of course. so im there, incognito. session ends.
this is where shit starts to happen...the next week, i decide to go of my own free will. i was late tho. so the head lady decided to punish me by throwing a random part at me. of course, with my previous acting expirence (thanks Kirk), i surprise her. she gives me the part. [wtf..i didnt ask for it]. so blah blah blah. we perform for the head guy...he loves my part. he loves how i portray the charcter i was given. but i can give my delievery so well....because i deal with my character everyday. i am pride.

problem: i feel horrible participating in this play because im, truthfully, a horrible person.
i lie.
i steal.
i devieve.
i bad mouth ptople.
i hurt people.
i wish death on people
i wish sickness on people.
i can be totally heartless and void when it comes to others.
and yet, here i am trying to minister to people through drama. ((though i actually dont give a fuck, i just like to act.))
ugh.

beyond that. im broke...again somehow. but i need $40 by next wensday. and i cant work monday because of this play.
the life high that i was on has suddenly ended leaving me broken from the fall.

streetlights.

i had so many thoughts earlier.
so many painful words to type.
so much to fill you in on.

but its all gone now...so you'll have to accept the short version.

this is...well was Shanika's spring break.
a year ago today, we met...remet rather. she came home this week and i've seen her everyday. called off of work and damn near skipped class to give her every waking moment of my life.

shopped. ate. sex. got another tattoo. shopped. went broke. and shopped.

but like all good things, you know the cliche.

and the ending always sucks.

in less than twentyfour hours, she will be back in mississippi and i will struggle against the distance once again.
but its different now.
before it was: "i understand you have to go, im not mad and i'll be here when you come back."
then: "yes its hard and it hurts but i support you so i'll wait."
later: " i know, i know, just come back."
but now...im angry. im pissed. im tired of being left. im tired of having my happiness arrive on cp time. its some bullshit. and i hate it. and to add insult to injury, shes going even further for even longer next semester....

as i watched her drive away at 2:1o this morning...a thought came to me. a horrible thought...that might be an even worse revelation...

!!!

...closed minded people irritate me.
simply put. is it really that hard to accept someone of different religious background, sexual orientation, ethnicity or neighborhood?

honestly people, all of our shit stinks.
we all shit sitting down, we all put our pants one one leg at a time and we're all doomed to meet our maker one day.


just a thought.

reparations

as long as i could remember, i've never thought twice about giving somebody money.
guy rolls up saying hes on E and needs two dollars to get home, sure.
homeless guy asks for any help at all, here.
friends need a few dollars or a meal, why not.

my girlfriend says im too nice. but i like to think either i'll get it all back or that i've influenced that person to do something for the greater good.

i've hardly believed in the old church saying that if you "give and it shall be given unto you...good measure, pressed down, shaken together and runneth over."
hell, i dont even know what the last part of that even means. [multiplied i guess].
nor have i really believed in karma, good or bad.
i always just figured that you do things out of the goodness or evil from your heart. maybe i got some good down there somewhere.

point is: i been waiting on a check for about two months. it was only supposed to be 2 maybe 3 hundred dollars. and another one at the end of this month for maybe 9 hundred.
well today, i got a check. but not for either of the amounts i was expecting.

lets do some math. it i was expecting eh, 300. and at the end of this month 900. 3+9=12. so by now i should of had 12oo dollars, right?
so how...why did i get one that was double that?!

karma?
God and His shaking together stuff?
i'm not sure. i'm curious but not willing to ask any questions.
its already in my bank waiting to be spent...and saved. i figure i can keep at least 1ooo for this summer and other stuff. maybe 15oo if i'm feeling really good.

now, i can go get my tattoos and skates...and shoes...and clothes. =)!

oh happy day!

...and i wonder

if it will all end soon. one can only hope.
i seem to use that word a lot lately. sign of change? or desperation.

i've been off since friday. thats 6days, so far. and who knows when i'll get to go back into work.
besides check facebook, download mixtapes, blog, write [sorta], watch anime...i've done nothing but sleep.
[sidebar: well, besides go to class too. and today i had an interview for a new job...but we know how that shit goes.]

i think i know why i've been in the bed so much. but i refuse to admit it. i refuse to be back in the rut i always find myself in. depression: i'm only 19 and i know more about that word than i know about happiness. whoever said teenage years are the most fun, lied. i BEEN ready for these years to end.


then again, i been ready for a lot to end lately...

"i'm going on"

because i'm tired of waiting. for as long as i could remember, this is all i have done. its all im doing.
waiting to go back to work. waiting for a check to come. waiting to finish school. waiting to get evicted. waiting for her return. [sidebar: the song which shares the same name as this entry just came on...omen?]

"i'm going on/ and i'm prepared to go it alone."

i am. i have to. this static way of life has grown old. irritating even. i'm tired. i want to quit.
death beckons, but i ignore her. i continue to live with little reason. i have to move. i have to move on.

hopefully, things will work out. hopefully, everything will be fine.
but i was never one to hope. i don't believe in much anymore. only a fool would allow himself to get his hopes high.

i am no fool.

"i'm going on/ and i promise i'll be waiting for you."

!!

i LOVE this video.
Kanye has truly captured my fanship with this last album and its videos. [[do not adjust your screen]]

new thought.

cliche as it may be:
as i leave this era of total darkness. one might say that i've come "to the end of the tunnel."
you know, where the light is.
but if the light is a train, my ultimate demise.
or if the light is only a figment of my imagination.
how much longer can i travel? how much further can i walk?
how much more can my already defeated soul take before i completely give up and write books from under the overpass?

hope. i have some.
optimistic. i am not
i can only hope.

ah yes.

it feels great to, once again, spill my soul onto this neglected site.
oh how i have missed thee.
much has occurred. much has remained the same.

but all in all things are...well...things are. they simply are. i am not yet happy (since i have, finally, begun my search for such an intangible possession) but i'm not as miserable as i once was. complacent. i believe thats the word.

things in the family have gotten worse: my stepfather and i do not speak, even if in the same room or at the same table. childish as it may seem, it is the way of two stubborn men both of which cannot seem to respect the other. my mother and i are up and down. my sister and myself get along quite nicely most of the time. life here is hardly bearable but i must endure. in june, they are planning to kick me out (regardless of the fact that im in school AND working). hopefully i can get into a summer school program on a campus. West GA? smh. (whats funny is that i KNOW they're gonna want to call me and talk to me for my birthday in july, the very next month. they will get the same response tarrance, sr gets: none. but being in West ga will allow me to be THAT much closer to Shanika...

speaking of...she gave me the absolute best valentine's gift i could have asked for: her. being that she schools in mississippi and is there more than she is home it was quite the pleasant surprise to wake up from a slightly irritated sleep to see her unexpected face. she tricked me into believing that she was still in Mississippi when she was really on her way home. made cupcakes and everything. we spent the weekend together. walmart.mall.out to eat. after so many arguments and being on the verge of breaking up it was exactly what we needed to put us back where we want/need to be. previously, i hated all holidays. now, thanks to her, i can no longer say such a thing.

today, i heard Dr.Cornell West give a lecture. he is quite the eccentric man. his views are very well noteworthy, though i took none. [typical]. but more so than his wondrous words of wisdom, he gave me something that i needed. something i did not expect. something, im sure, he didn't mean to give. something that i don't understand. he gave me confidence. i, finally, have a plan. a goal. something worth working towards and in some odd and unknown way Cornell West made me believe that it truly is worth perusing. [i really wish i could remember some if his words, i'm sure they'll come to me later] it was truly a great experience. i was honored enough to shake his hand and exchange dialogue. thus, i believe i will thank him once my book gets published.

speaking of that book...i trashed it. yea...i know. i have a lot of friends begging and rushing me to produce one. seriously, not in a "ha ha, yea this is good," kind of way. in a "no, seriously, write a fucking book," kind of way. so my previous work which only made it to chapter five has been deleted. fret not, i have a new idea and have begun putting it together. i will begin writing by march. and i think an autobiography might be nice. from my graduation, to my year at howard, until now with the underlying fact that i have been nothing more than a failure the majority of those times being the pushing force. it should evoke plenty of emotion, if done correctly.

well...until next time my loyal readers. let us hope next time will not take two months.