stab.

as i drove to class today, Shanika and i had a textual conversation.
she thinks this is the end. or it "maybe", rather.

it was raining, not hard. just enough to have to turn the windshield wipers on medium.
i didnt mind though. because as the clouds cried, i did too. i told myself in tenth grade i'd never cry over a female again.
but it hurts so bad. to see nearly a year's worth of sacrifice, time, money, memories, love, arguments, laughs and sweet kisses all go down the drain...really really sucks.

my heart is heavy. my body weak. my mind clouded. nothing is right. but everything is as it should be...otherwise it wouldn't be.
never have i loved so fiercely. with such passion and determination.
it hurts so bad.

but i cant cry anymore. my last tears have fallen. now i grin this painful, halfhearted, sorrowful smile.
i play with the necklace and ring of hers dangling around my neck. i grin.
i remember our first kiss. i grin.
i remember valentines day, christmas, new years, my birthday, her birthday, her sister's birthday. i grin.
i remember missing her while i was in dc. i grin
i remember asking her out so childishly. i grin.
i remember her driving from villa rica to camp creek just to take me home from work. i grin.
i remember how often i gave her my last 20 dollars for gas money. i grin.
i remember how hard it was to save for and make both her build-a-bears. i grin.
i remember how much harder it was to find and save for her purple ipod. i grin.

now the memories are just that. memories, to be written down and soon forgotten with the coming of her next love.
now missing her, simply isnt enough.
now the money is gone.
now the build-a-bears will be tossed into her pile of acquired stuffed animals from over the years.
now her ipod will not hold memories of me...only music.
and soon, it will all be over.

though it is a sad story, indeed, the silver lining MIGHT be: i can finally focus on me (oh joy. how fun that'll be)
i could go into the air force without a second thought.
i could take out a huge loan and go back to howard without feeling like im leaving somebody behind.
i could have more sex.
but
what is a career without somebody to celebrate it with.?
what is a degree in another state without somebody to come home to.?
what is sex without the passion.?

all these thoughts...
its like running a blade through my chest into the very depths of my being.
and i bleed these words.