12th day

i just stood there, watching her. watching the tears fall down her cheeks. her eyes had long since turned red. goodbye couldn't have been harder. car door closed, window up, all she had to do was pull off. but she couldnt, and i could tell. she demanded that i walk into the house, to make her departure easier. i couldnt. the goddess of love herself kept me in that spot on the hot pavement.

i would not open her door and kiss her for i had just closed the same door just moments ago. it would only bring more tears. she fought with the ignition, battled with the steering wheel and lost to her own will. the past few days were filled with sorrow and memories. sorrow for her departure. the memories that would have to hold us over until we met again.

i walked onto the driveway in front of my house, checked the mail, and remained in front of the woman i hold so dear. in front of her white jeep which i was supposed to wash. she pulled up, inching past my stick-like body.
windows still up she mouthed, "I love you."
i mouthed the same back, "and i'll be right here when you come back."
she rolled her window down, "pinky swear." i met her curled pinky with my own, a custom we had developed during some of our more somber moments. the same custom that was first laughed at by her.
"Pinky swear." our hands struggle with each other and fingers find themselves gridlocked loosely.

ironically, we held hands the same way as she left the day we called ourselves a couple.
"Five, fourteen, oh eight," in reference to the picture of our hands taken that day.
the memories flooded my mind. from that day forward: our first outing, her first time at Atlantic station, meeting her family and friends, her doing the same for me, my birthday, the sleepover, our first sexual experience, public sex, our last sexual experience. all of which started from that day.

the laughs we have shared, the tears we have shed,the troubles we have endured and the love we have all have created this warm sensation that i am told is love. but it goes much deeper than just love...much, much deeper.

before i can allow myself to indulge in such memories, i watch as the world around me starts to blur. the rivers of memories well up in my eyes but i told myself i would not cry today. i was done crying last night. my hand slips away and i step back. she wipes her tears, states that shes ok now. that that was all she needed. she gains control of the steering wheel and slowly inches up , throwing me the peace sign. i return the gesture.

just as i save the tears from gravity and look back up, she is halfway up the street. i watch her in disbelief. watch her drive to her future, her success, her other life. my heart becomes heavy. my soul grows weak. my body, numb. she turns the corner and is gone...gone. and i am alone. all friends, off to college. my "family", is my problem. and my escape, gone.

i find myself alone.

i drag my feet back into the house. throw the mail on the table, slam my head on the table and let the memories fall. i cry. i told my self i wouldn't and i lied.

with one final sigh, realizing that there is noting i can do, i stand to my feet and begin life. while my friends work for a better tomorrow, i will work for a better today. i will make good use of my time. for in three short years...i will have a family.
but in less than twelve hours she will be gone
and it will be my 13th day
i will be officially depressed..