life narrative.

its been some time since the introspective question, "who am i?" crossed my mind.
but we're past that now. i know who i am.

the real question is, "how does who i am trump the challenges i go through?"
more simply put: how do i get ahead?

honestly, i regret all 22 years of my life. every last one. without exempt or exception.
and they, whoever "they" are, say that you haven't lived a full life until you have a few regrets.

but i have a full life of regrets (maybe thats why i always feel so old..)
i've made all the wrong decisions. i've loved all the wrong people. said the wrong things. so on and so forth.

the only thing worth while that i've managed to do was learn. 22 years worth of hardcore trial and error learning. thus, wisdom. or something of such nature.

i look at the mirror and i see the past.
i see past me in his roughest state. hair uncut, wispy whiskers, tired eyes.
and in the same frame, i see the me trying to get past the past me.

its a silent struggle.

i look here at these words now and see that i can no longer make the same mistakes.
i cant keep telling the same stories. i'm not tyler perry.
i am tarrance foster. thats who i am.
what does that mean? well, what does that matter?
i am who i am. and i must use what little i know to outsmart myself.

things won't happen in my favor if i don't hold the gun to the dealer's head.

so here i am. sitting in silence on my day off. wondering.

standing isn't the problem. its moving thats hard.

if anybody reads this.
hell, if anybody understands,

watch out.

signed,
a new man.
(but whats that matter?)