hurricane season

i believe i love this time of year. the beginning of the academic year. when it is still hot enough to wear shorts and beaters to the pool but often windy enough to don a hoodie. it is often gloomy, grey clouds, light showers, thunderstorms. fitting of my personality, sadly. i have come to the conclusion that i am something of an "emo". i often wear black, i walk alone more so than with a group, my favorite songs are somber ones, "hate" rolls off my tongue like "love" should and i prefer darkness to light (i am only a few nerves short of cutting myself).

i dont think im happy. im not sure what all happiness consist of, but i'm pretty sure it lacks in my life. she remedies that, but only for short periods of time (which are now shorter cause shes gone). i even believe that my unhappiness is spilling over effecting my relationship. sometimes i need an escape, and no longer can she provide that for me. between her friends, social life and school work, i find little area to squeeze my hoggish ways into her life. i may text to receive a response many minuets or hours later when i forget the initial text in the first place. i choose not to bring this to her attention for i wish not to seem too...greedy. she has her own life and must live it. thus, i must do the same.

this is possibly a call to arms. a poem rings over and over in my head, to remind me of my refusal to be defeated.
"thank whatever gods may be for his unconquerable soul [...] though my head may be bloody it remains unbowed"

i do not enjoy my life. each day i let death know that i am ready. each day i wish i was elsewhere. each day i curse this life. each morning i curse my mother, who lays her hand on me as though she cares, for this life. each day, i curse myself for allowing myself to become a failure. each day...each and every fucking day i remember how much i hate this life.

and more sadly than knowing that i hate this life is knowing that i have to continue to live it.
that is my truth. i must live this out...i must remain on this island until hurricane season ceases.