dead man's thoughts

trusting those whom i know not to.
i have always been a trusting guy. always giving others the benefit of the doubt, no matter their track record. Tarrance Sr has, yet again, reminded me of why this act came to an end. he often reminds me why i no longer trust anyone.
he promised me a car
he promised me a room in his house
he promised me freedom
none of these he can deliver.

i am upset. no. im beyond that...but the word for extreme and suppressed anger escapes me. i got my hopes up. i trusted him. i was excited. after fighting so valiantly, i realized that i wanted Tarrance in my life. i needed to know what my Foster roots were like. for once in my life, i desired for a man. some one to talk with, to swap sex stories with, someone to ride downtown with, someone to fill the void that my female friends couldnt. i needed to embrace the source of my anger. i was excited. i thought that maybe living with him would help me change. make me a better person.
but like always, encountering him has only made me worse.

he has promised me $1500 so i can find my own car for hum to buy. i wont get my hopes up.

my body runs on auto-pilot. not much thinking is required to interact with my "family". i will begin to work soon, but i will not disclose where at. my "mother" tries to get me to tell her by asking daily, or asking how im going to get there, or asking how far it is, or threatening to turn off my phone. hopefully i can receive my first check before she can. i dont eat in this house and i have no car. so i hardly eat at all. i am losing weight. i feel as though i am dying. my mind is hungry and cannot be fed. mentally, im withering away. there is nothing left for me here.

my predictions often hold more truth than i wish.

though our relationship has changed and our love strengthened, i still feel...forgotten. not forgotten completely for she does call regularly and texts daily but often forgotten momentarily. it could be that because i am not completely busy all the time or maybe i have grown TOO attached, or maybe im just selfish. but i feel as though moments when i need her the most, when i have reached my limit or am ready to break down...she is busy. too busy for a broke city boy. this...neglect (for lack of a better term) often leaves me bitter and standoffish towards her. in addition to that, my frustration and sorrow lead me to become a recluse in my own relationship. always tending to her needs, but hardly listing my own. i am pushing her away...and i hate it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------fear-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

i believe that is what fuels me now. before the hate, the rage or the love; it is the fear. the fear of being stuck here. the fear of not being able to provide. the fear of losing. the fear of being lost. the fear of life. i continue to keep to myself (save for this blog and its few readers)out of fear. i am so on edge, so close to nothingness that im afraid that if i tell all., if i vocally express my issues...i could lose composure. i might cry

i accept death because i am afraid of life

but i once heard that any man who accepts death...is already dead