i feel as though i'm headed for failure. like there is nothing i could do to reach success. i know i have the tools, the training and the ability. but do i have the power...the destiny? what is my destiny? what is destiny? the pre determination of one's life...to be told how one will end before they begin...
earlier this month i spent a week in Myrtle beach. even though i spent it with temptress, a talkative family and a heavy heart i throughly enjoyed myself. never had i been so at peace with myself. often a text message from my mother would appear. knowing that she is the source of many of my stresses (or at least the messenger of such). i spent many nights with my feet in the warm water watching the moon pass through the skies. many poems were written. that week saw the essence of perfection in my eye. returning home was similar to letting a convict enjoy freedom only to lock them up again.
"home is where the hate is," -Common
lately suicidal thoughts have flooded my brain. even while in the perfect place, i often found myself wanting to throw my body into the drink and not come up. never have these thoughts been so vivid. i am somewhat afraid that i might actually go through with one soon. what frightens me even more...is that i fear nothing. death itself is actually just another event...and not "the end". living this way...i dont plan to see past thirty-five. and i dont mind.
so maybe im fucked up
i am a fuck up
and i dont give a fuck
.fuck.
maybe im not meant for greatness like i always dreamed
maybe ill die alone and poor like in my nightmares
maybe this hell will remain my reality
maybe the beach is as close to heaven as i'll get
.maybe.
1 comment:
Interesting.
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