something new.

i went to my high school today.
spoke to a few teachers.
a few words stand out in my mind.

"sometimes a man has to be a man."
"YOU MOVED OUT?!?!"
among other things.

a man who i consider to be very insightful told me i should switch up the writing style of my blog.
less emo so to speak.
i've been wanting to do so for a while; now i have my chance.

this past week was spent in myrtle beach.
soon as i get the pictures i'll change the background to this old depressing site.
yea. time for something upbeat.

(sorry imposed a.d.d.)
but yea, myrtle beach was wonderful.
sun. sand. waves. friends. all wonderful.

i'm kinda scatterbrained.
so i'll take my time and come back later with my thoughts in order.

the ultimatum.

i haven't the correct song for the moment.
well...i did but it wont give me the full song.
"hope she'll be happier" bill withers.

so i question myself:
can i make her happy.? can i bring a smile again.?
i thought: yes. and i will.

that was at 5am. i had broken through my insecurities and was ready to do something.
and when i told this to her she did what i should have expected:
shot me down.
i'm actually too [insert word here] to repeat what she said.

but basically, after her verbal lashing, if i decided to give up on my plan to make her smile again she'd leave for good.

lets ponder on that for a second.
tarrance has plan
tarrance gets excited
tarrance shares excitement with shanika
shanika shoots tarrance down
shanika doubts tarrance
shanika stomps on tarrance
shanika demands tarrance to carry out his plan.
makes sense right.?

fucking wrong.
so i left her house. went to walmart for an oil change.
i just needed air. space.
then i needed to pack for myrtle beach...

side note: i'm not excited for this trip anymore. its a lost cause. i skipped out on a Kid Cudi concert with a wonderful friend to indulge in the long awaited trip. but now...i already know how its gonna go. Kolen and his girl are gonna be booed up. Shanika and her phone are gonna be doing the same. Tarrance will indulge in the moonlit beach alone.
oh joy. wtf.
end side note.

sigh.
i'm not even angry anymore. it hurts. it sucks. but im not mad. nor sad.
disappointed. yeah.
but i knew it would be something. its always something. either its her or i'm simply being overlooked due to the romantic/sexual passes of the members of her phone book.
right.


8pages.
eight pages of pictures on facebook of us together.
and this is what its come to.

an ultimatum.

fuck you.

the more i get my hopes up.
the more i get let down.
"the wisest men know better than to have high hopes."

i always factor in worse case probability. i always include it. think about it. dwell on it.
and still i find the gall to hope. or i reduce myself to an ignorance beneath myself.

ignorance. thats all hope is.
the shear desire for something highly unlikely to happen though it is almost certain the the opposite will.
the same goes for faith. ignorance at its most bliss

i am disappointed.
i was high with hope. and that particular bad drug has given me the worst headache.
i musnt indulge any longer.
i musnt reduce myself to the low life of an hope addict.
i simply musnt.

so to hope.
to those who believe in hope.
to those who shatter mine time after time.
to those who give me false hope.
to those i once had faith in.

fuck you.

the doors.

the sun has just begun to peek over the Gary, Indiana apartment buildings.

my breath still taste like weed. and my ability to read haunts me.



recently, things have been looking up. going the direction i wanted, for once.

but two days ago that door slammed in my face. surprise, right.? (of course not.)



(the text messages start. one from a girl who claims to think she loves me though she has a boyfriend that shes quite happy with. and the other from a female who i would date if we weren't both carrying so much baggage.)
so as my daily texters make their entrances into my day i inspect each one.

one has a boyfriend so what progression is to be made.? "friend" is fine. i dont want anything more.

another is slightly bipolar. one wrong txt sends her off the deep end. i dont have the patience.

a third is a stripper. enough said.

this one has just as many emotional ties to their ex as i do. i could be wrong, but that doesnt seem like a good combo.

lastly, my least avid txter seems to only be interested when its convinent for her and otherwised interested in many of other fellas. of course, i only come to this conclusion from what my cursed eyes have told me.

so. as i close a few doors. or leave some cracked. or have them closed on me, i reacall my sister saying something.
"dont deal with none of them bitches. take time for you."
interesting. no women.? that means no dates...no sex...no late night convos.
(sounds something like the last half of my previous relationship.)

so this is what i've decided: i will let my emotions remain stale. those who will be interested will stay. some will leave. i've already placed my bets on who will do what and its not looking good. in the end...only my first two loves remain...music and writing.

the sun peeks its way inside for its last glance past these doors..

thought.

dont trust people.

i mean. trusting one or two with a few things is understandable.
but trusting one with everything. or more than one with anything at all is pure foolishness.

i made the mistake of taking someone around the people i considered "friends".
guys i've known for six years.
2 out of 3 have gond behind my back to make a move. i found out and simply made my knowledge known.
the third (who i've foolishly trusted with everything) has turned against me with the assumption that i've been "talkin' shit" about him.

there is only one other person who i trust with everything.
a person who will not only remain nameless but will also be punished because of the mistakes of these others.

i have no reason to return to "Walden Park"
and i dont plan on doing so for the sake of "friends"

...i hope i can say the same for a few others.

4.31

in the morning that is.
i sit poolside, once again.
ready to endure the storm ahead.

though my vacation was somewhat turbulent, i have found calm skies.
if only i could reach them....

i have alot of mending to do upon my return.
friendships to renew. hearts to mend.

being away was nice.
made people miss me. made people want me. made people vocal about both.
the vacation itself. 4.5 stars. orlando is a wonderful place [minus its drivers.]
i find myself wanting to stay out of georgia and still wanting to start anew.

the opportunity to do so is well within sight.

reading "atlas shrugged" i see the person i want to be.
its really a wonderful book...after the first 1oo pages...and before the other thousand. [smh]
but its an endeavor i'm totally enjoying. learning is fun.
i wish i had a deeply philosophical mind to share this knowledge with.

4.4o.
i must go.
"time waits for no man. no woman wants a man with time on his hands.

lets see.

i haven't had internet for the past couple of days. but that hasnt stopped me from blogging...just posting.
re-reading my last intended post...i've decided against it.
too many emotions. too many possibly hurt feelings.

so i sit poolside at trudy's apartment watching the sun quickly disappear behind black clouds which quickly produce rain.
its relaxing. the water hitting the water. the danish i just ate. the orange juice.
everything is oddly serene. and...i'm at peace even in the midst of a downpour. while others panic and run for cover....i remain..i chill.

my life is nothing but chaos. move here. go there. job elsewhere. come here. pay this. get that. you need other...
but...right now...i'm ok. i dont know where my next meal is gonna come from. or where i'm gonna live...though i hate the instability...i'm managing.

i'm single and hating it. even the attention from those that want to be in is a nucience.
i can barely finish a txt before i get another one coming in.
some of them demand CONSTANT attention.
but being that i'm lonely so much these days i dont mind giving for the constant return.

shanika and i have finally made amends. its safe to say things are back on the right track.
the "others" hardly matter anymore. i think we've accepted the fact that our lives might stay filled with other people forever just because of who we are.
we're the guy/girl that everyone likes.
our relationship started with it being just us. a few close friends..but hardly that.
just D!va & iPod. who could tell us anything..? nobody. we were the best. period.

but things have changed.
people have changed.

the storm has ceased since i began typing this...
maybe my life will look up in the same way...such is life.
and i'm at peace with that now. it hurts...but i'm dealing.

so lets just see.
((this post took over 3 hours. smh))